What Say You Lovely Bloggers?

Hello lovely blogging friends!

I had a question, almost a survey of sorts for those of you who are in D/s relationships.

It’s about tasks (for lack of a better word).

Basically what I have been struggling with a lot lately in feeling the need to submit when apart from Sir and not having a way to do that (although truth be told I think just having some freaking patience is an exercise in submission all in itself!) haha

I mentioned in my last post that I didn’t think Sir and I were there yet (or if it will ever be a part of our dynamic due to me not being his primary D/s relationship, or he may not even have any interest in this kind of thing, I don’t know yet) regarding him setting tasks for me.  By tasks I really just mean something for me to do for him so that I can feel as though I am submitting to him even when we are apart.  I feel like this would be hugely comforting for me and ease some of the edginess I feel when more than a week or two goes by in-between dates. Being halfway through a 6 week (or more) period of absence due to crazy busy schedules and travel on both of our parts I am really really struggling with my submission and no where to place it!

I see many of your blogs where your blog in itself is a task set to you by your d-types, for some it is sending a text with specific content or a picture every day, or going to bed at a certain time, others have dietary or exercise rules or restrictions etc. etc.  The list could go on.  I am open to pretty much anything, provided it is something I can do without it interfering with my work or family.  I don’t know if it would help me in these in-between times but I have to think it will.  I know it is something I would like to experience.

My problem is this:  I am too scared to ask.  Part of me feels like if this was something he was interested in doing he would have brought it up already.  (logic says we are still new and he may just not realize that I would be ok with that this early in the game).  I also feel like it must be like, work for the Dom.  I feel like I would be essentially asking him to put yet another thing on his plate by giving me a task and holding me accountable to it.  I certainly do not, in any way, wish to become a chore for him.  I shudder at the thought of that.

What are your thoughts, friends?  I would love to hear the perspective of both s and D types on this if you have a moment.  If this is something you have in your dynamic how did it come about?  If not, have you talked about it?  I am open to hearing other’s experiences 🙂

I kind of put the feelers out by just asking him what his opinion on setting tasks was so once I get a reply maybe that will clear things up a bit.  But actually saying “hey I would love for you to add even more to your schedule and responsibilities by giving me some tasks and them holding me accountable to them.”  I know communication is key, and this is definitely NOT a deal breaker type thing for me – we’ve had some great talks as you all know and are in a really good place.  I just feel a bit…..lost when too long goes by and I have to keep my inner subbie locked in a box.

Thanks for letting me ramble, as always

Frustration Station

Wow.  I am really terrible at this regular blogging thing.

To be fair, I haven’t had much in the way of D/s to write about and that, for me, is the main purpose of this blog.  The rest of my life, while happy and lovely, is not exciting writing material generally lol

Due to unforeseen circumstances on my end my most recent date with Sir was cancelled 😦  But it was a family issue and family always has to come first.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck big time though!  It has now been almost 3 weeks since I have seen Sir and it will be at least another 3.5 weeks until I can see him next.  6 weeks in total.  Seriously how in the hell am I going to last!? LOL I am already super edgy, unsettled.  I just feel….off, when I can’t get my submission on.  LOL.  I think we have well established on this blog that patience is NOT my virtue.  Good thing I have other virtues 😉 haha

I have considered asking Sir if he would be willing to give me some tasks for this time between so that I can have something to sink my subbie teeth into, so to speak.  But I don’t know that that is where our dynamic is yet.  I am hoping that kind of thing can be incorporated in the future but I don’t think we are there yet.  At any rate I haven’t had the guts to ask so I haven’t.

So it looks like a certain sub is going to have to just be patient.  Some how.

I will be throwing myself into my fitness during this time, who knows maybe I can use this pent up energy to make some gains (or losses haha) in that area in the meantime and look extra sexy for when we reunite! haha

What about you my lovely blogging friends?  How do you deal with pent up submissive/dominant/sexual energy when relief isn’t in sight for a long time?  Maybe I’ll get some ideas 🙂

I Call Bullshit On The Past.

Today was a weird day.

I was really battling with the feelings of hurt and betrayal by my ex for some reason today.  It started when I was listening to music at work as I usually do and I listened to a song that many months ago really represented how I felt about him and at that time I sent him the lyrics all hearts and lovey dovey like (sent them then, no way in hell would I send them now!).  It hit me like a boulder in my chest and I really struggled to stay composed.  The feeling passed but has left me with this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I am almost on the verge of a panic attack.  But why!?

I need to be clear.  I have NO intentions of going back to him.  Ever.  Not that I have been in any contact with him for a long time now, but that I know for sure.  Regardless of how conflicted I sometimes feel about it I know that relationship was not a healthy one and that he is quite frankly, not safe.  Emotionally or physically for me.

Things have been going so well with me and Sir.  After that talk and how he has been with me since then, I have been really really happy (strange sub-droppy days aside) and excited about where this could go.  So why the excruciating walk down memory lane?  I’ll be honest it has left me feeling raw today, and like I said almost on the verge of a panic attack.  Is this some kind of strange PTSD?  I mean, I know that a lot of what he put me through could be labeled abuse but I really don’t feel like I have been forever traumatized, even if it has left me with the odd unpleasant trigger reaction.  I’ve been able to logic all of those and move forward.

I hate the thought that he has any kind of power over me still.

I am moving on.  I am happy and excited and “in-like” with Sir, who is the real deal, and everything I could have ever wanted in a Dom.  He treats me with kindness and respect, firmness but gentleness, dominance but care.  I trust him totally to be honest with me and to take care with me and I know he would never ever disregard my feelings or limits or safewords like my ex.  I feel safe with him. Which is no small thing.  But days like today leave me feeling confused.  I don’t love my ex any more and I don’t want him back.  So what the hell?

Argh.  I guess it is too much to ask to just erase years of that without some residual baggage clinging but dammit I really want to.

Not an inspiring post today friends, sorry.  Just had to rant.

I Don’t Like Wartenburg Wheels and Other Surprises

Sorry friends!  It’s been a while since I have written.  Actually I have not come even nearly close to my personal commitment of blogging daily.  Honestly I think I would probably bore you all to tears if I did LOL.  My day to day life is not all that edge-of-your-seat exciting!

I blogged briefly about Sir having me at his feet, head in his lap while he asked about my day.  It was a turning point in my submission.  I can’t quite explain it, but it felt so amazing to be in that position, having his hands stroke my hair with so much tenderness while he expressed interest in the mundane moments of my day.  I felt submissive and so so calm.  Honestly if that was all we did that day that would have been enough for me.  I want to feel very much in my place.  I think that is why I love the poses so much, nothing hammers home my position as something like that.  I feel obedient and on display for him and while it makes me blush from my head to my feet I love every single second of it.

I was away for a week on vacation and received a surprise text from him telling me he was thinking of me and just wanted to say hello.  I had been having a bad day.  I was grumpy and homesick and strangely feeling almost sub droppy. I don’t know why as almost a week had gone by since we played but that is the best way I can describe my mood.  I was feeling insecure in my place with Sir and wondering if I was truly important to him at all.  There was no reason to make me feel this way but I did anyway.  But then, as if he could sense my mood from hundreds of miles away he sent me that message.  And all was right in my world again.

I also got the surprise that I may get to see him this weekend, even though I didn’t expect to for another 2 or 3 weeks.  So I am a very happy subbie at this point!

Last date Sir had me in some very interesting bondage that had me completely immobilized.  And he used a multitude of instruments on me but what had me almost safe-wording surprisingly enough was a wartenburg wheel!  He has used one on me before but I have now learned that there are many different kinds, some much much more evil LOL.  The first time it wasn’t uncomfortable at all, and I remember thinking what is the big deal with these things?  But then this last time OH MY GOD.  It felt like I was being sliced with a hot knife.  Or what I imagine being sliced with a hot knife would feel like.  And try as I might I was not able to squirm away from this now much hated object and it had me almost crying it was so intense.  I had NO idea.  I didn’t safe word, although damn did I come close.  I am pretty sure I don’t like those things.  I am considering telling Sir that maybe he should keep those on the punishment only shelf, lol.  Not that we have a punishment dynamic (I’m a good girl 😉 ) but it is something that won’t make me safeword but I definitely do not like!  That being said I still enjoyed every second of our date because it was new, I learned something about myself and I was proud that I was able to endure it for him without breaking down. Much.

Sir also stayed true to his commitment of spending more time with me, we actually fell asleep all wrapped up in each other afterwards which was a surprise lol, but lovely 🙂

I can’t wait to see him next.  I am definitely becoming attached.  Not in a crazy can’t live without you in love kind of way but in an affectionate, caring, very much ‘in-like” kind of way which is much healthier and lovely for me 🙂

At Your Feet

I finally know what it’s like.

To kneel at your Dom’s feet.

Sir had me kneel, naked at his feet while he sat on the couch.  He guided my head to rest on his lap and he stroked my hair while he asked me all about my day, my submission and myself.

It doesn’t sound like much but it was a profound moment for me.

It set the tone, and I felt small and submissive, safe and cared for.

It was beautiful.

Poses

It’s been waaaaaay too long since I have been able to be lost (and found) in my submission.

I know that many of you are in long distance relationships or for other reasons are not able to see your D-type very often, but for me, 2 weeks is about my max. I respect you so much for that – I am not sure I could do it.  It’s been 3 weeks for me now.  And boy am I feeling it.

The good news is I only have to wait another 2.5 days until I see Sir and I can’t wait. This will be the first time we play since laying all the cards out on the table.  I look forward to being able to play without all of that junk floating around in my brain.  To be able to relax into my submission knowing that all is well, that we are on the same page, and knowing that if I am able to fully let go and end up with possible subdrop as a result that he will be there for me.  I am also really looking forward to this time because it comes with the promise of hang out time afterwards so things won’t be rushed, we can take our time.  Yay!

How does going past your personal no play time limit affect you?

I know for me, I feel restless, antsy and cranky.  The craving for me is visceral.  I can literally almost taste it.  It’s like something is constantly missing.  The princess and the pea effect – no matter how many mattresses you pile up on things you can still feel that damned pea.  And it just makes you….uncomfortable.  That’s how I feel.

As far as “kinks” go I think I miss impact play the most.  From spanking to flogging to caning – impact play is one of my must-have kinks.  I adore it and how it makes me feel.  But I will admit that since seeing Sir the things I crave have changed up a bit – the things that pop into my head and bring me momentarily to my submissive head space are changing.  While yes, I absolutely miss the impact play and the bondage – and I really really want some good lasting marks after next date, that’s not all I miss, or even at the forefront.  Lately, what I find popping into my head are…positions.  Poses.  Now I know that submissive poses are sometimes considered pretty oldschool and I read on fet all kinds of subs who scoff at the idea, but Sir is into it big time, and is teaching me exactly what pose he expects on a word.  And I freaking ADORE this.  I would have never thought that this part of our play would become so important to me, but there is something about the obedience, the formality of posing in a desired way that immediately makes me very aware of my place, and sets the tone of our time together.  At the same time giving me a weird almost embarrassed tingly feeling that I have never experienced before but am really really enjoying.  It has the same effect on me as simply calling him “Sir”.  It is something I have never done before and it gives me a weird but delicious feeling. These are the things incorporated in our play that makes me feel like a sub as opposed to a bottom, which for my personal experience is important. Oh how things have changed for me compared to my last bdsm relationship.

Change.  Change is very very good.

Communication

So this has been a good week for a multitude of reasons.

Work has been going more smoothly than it has in a while thank goodness, so I haven’t had that chicken with it’s head cut off feeling.  We are settling into Summer vacation mode quite nicely too and I am enjoying more time with my family, lots of backyard time, gardening and the like.

Mostly though, Sir and I have had a good talk, face to face and got things out on the table and sorted.  The talk happened a couple of days earlier than expected, which was great (less time to fret and worry!) and all in all I am feeling much calmer.

I was able to lay out exactly what I needed and tried to explain why I had been feeling a bit un-cared for, which he admitted he could totally understand.  He stated that he does indeed care for, like and respect me and that he was very happy to hear the specific things I need to feel cared for so that he can do his best to provide those things – all of which he says he has no problem with providing.  So I think that for the foreseeable future, we are on the same page.  I will get more one on one vanilla time (mostly post play which is when I need it most – but other times as well schedules permitting), and also have the option to let him know any time I am struggling with subdrop or anything else and that he is happy to provide reassurance in those times.  And that he never thought of me as “just a play thing”, hence the reason he has made an effort to introduce me to is friends etc.  I know I won’t have any issues with affection (another one of my “needs”) because he has always been very affectionate when we are one on one.

We both agreed that we probably should have discussed this a few months ago when we started on this journey, but better late than never LOL.  In this case, it has all turned out OK.  But I would definitely recommend those starting out, to discuss not only your limits and kinky compatibility but also what happens when you are not “playing” and making sure your expectations match up.  Doing that would have cause me so much less anxiety and inner turmoil this last month or so.

Talking it out has made me feel a million times better and I am looking forward to continuing to explore my submission fully now that I know that the man I am exploring it with is someone who wants to hear what is going on in my head and is interested and caring for me as a person, both vanilla and submissive.

So yay me!  (Hopefully a more “sexy” post to come soon, fingers crossed!)

Frenzy.

So I have been doing a lot of thinking this past couple of days.  A self professed over-thinker this comes as no surprise, but in light of Sir and I’s upcoming conversation I knew that some delving into myself and trying to figure out what it is that I really want was necessary.

A few things I have discovered.  One, I have been in the throes of sub-frenzy!  Yup, there I said it.  I hate admitting that!  I have to apologize right now to anyone who has ever experienced sub frenzy before.  Historically whenever I heard this term I kind of scoffed to myself.  I always assumed that me, being the mature together woman that I am that it simply indicated a lack of self-control.  That it would never be an issue with me because I was a grown ass woman for crying out loud!  But alas, here I am.  Knowing that this is likely what I have been experiencing though has put perspective on everything and has allowed me to relax now and I feel much more clear headed.

The one thing I miss with my ex is the passion.  That all consuming crazy animal like passion we had for each other.  Now, I would never ever go back to that because that passion came along with so many damaging elements that I can’t imagine willingly going back to but I do miss it.

BUT.  What I failed to realize, is that despite the fact that Sir and I do not have a romantic relationship, when we are playing there IS passion.  There is connection, and energy, synergy, lust and desire.  It’s different, Sir is more controlled and deliberate than my ex, but it is definitely there.  I can feel it in the way he kisses me – you can’t fake a good kiss people.

I also realized that everything I “need” from this relationship can, indeed, be found within the dynamic between two close friends who trust, like and care for each other.  The fact is, Sir has a primary relationship.  I also have a primary relationship.  This is not going to change, and I don’t want it to.  So by keeping the “romance” out of the equation it provides a fun and less….messy way of connecting with someone in that way.

When I wrote to Sir stating that I needed a D/s relationship he, understandably, interpreted that as me wanting a romantic one.  Maybe for a second I thought I did, but I know now that was sub frenzy talking.  I wanted it ALL!  Right now!  Now!  But after reflecting for a bit I realize that all I really want or need is to feel affection, caring, respect, and a general enjoyment of each other’s company.  Sound’s a lot like good friends, doesn’t it?  Yes it does.

So yes, I do need a bit more one on one vanilla time, especially after a play session, to help me transition better back into “real” life and to ensure I feel valued as a person and not just for play – which I plan on letting him know that when we sit down and talk next week, but other than that I think he is perfectly capable of giving me what I need – in fact, I think he has been already, I was just too frantic to notice.

I also realized that what labels he chooses to put on our dynamic doesn’t really matter.  I don’t plan on submitting to another man other than him, I just don’t roll that way personally, so as long as he understands that then I don’t care if he sees me as his “official” sub or not.  He is my Dom. To me.  In my mind.  And outside of that we will be close friends who understand each other and relate to one another in a special and intimate way.  More than “friends with benefits” but not significant others.

In other news, I am craving a spanking (and impact play in general) something fierce.  I really need that pain, that pushing me right up against my limits to help me feel sated, centered and calm.  Balanced.  It has been way too long – 2 weeks without really is my limit, after which I start feeling really edgy and squirrly.  So That might have been adding to my general moodiness as well.  It’s another thing I will be bringing up in our conversation.  If I am feeling sub droppy or really edgy and needy for some play how do I approach him about that?  How can I do it in a way that let’s him know how I am feeling without being pushy or demanding?

This conversation will be super tough for this super shy girl here but so necessary, and to be honest I am already feeling more relaxed just knowing that very soon we will have everything out on the table and can go from there.

Anyway that is all the introspection I have in me for now!  Hope all you lovely Bloggers are having a wonderful day! xx

Talk Time

Well, at least he is open to discussing things.

I think his interpretation of what I mean by “relationship” is different than the reality.  He has a primary relationship, but so do I.  I don’t want that.

I really just need to feel valued, cared about and like I matter.  It doesn’t need to be deep romantic love, but affection, respect, and wanting to spend time in each other’s company (and not just playing) are my must haves.

I don’t want to just be just a kinky fuck buddy.  I told him that today.  I would be content to remain below what him and his primary have but need to be above a fuck buddy.

We have made plans to discuss more in person soon.

I don’t know what to think or feel at this point but at least, even if it ends, then there won’t be any what ifs hanging around.

Things Are Easier If All You Want Is Sex

I’m sitting in the dark alone. Not to worry my friends, I actually enjoy the dark and the quiet because – introvert. LOL.  Family is asleep, I’ve got too much on my mind.  I had to work this morning which didn’t help.  Luckily it was only for a few hours – I don’t usually work on the weekends.  Maybe it did help, I went back and forth between being so distracted with wondering what he is thinking to having to be so focused on work that I didn’t have room in my brain for anything else.

He is away this weekend.  So I knew I most likely would not get a response until he returns.  He is very much the type of person who puts a great deal of thought into every word he writes and if he can’t do that he simply won’t respond until he can.  I know this.  I knew that I wouldn’t hear from him until after the weekend.  But it still really fucking hurts that I poured my frustration, needs…..my fucking heart into that message and……nothing.  Maybe that answers all my questions right there?

After dinner the other night he hugged me and didn’t seem to want to let go.  Because I felt so uncomfortable with things at dinner (no you aren’t missing anything – I haven’t written about that yet, mostly because I feel like it would be airing other people’s laundry and despite my venting publicly via blog I do have a strong sense of privacy) I pulled away from him well before he was letting me go and I pretty much just high tailed it out of there.  Mostly because I was spitting mad and didn’t want to show the volcano side of me to show just quite yet. LOL

Basically all I said in my message was how much I have enjoyed our time spent together, that while I know we are still in the getting to know each other stage (although. does anyone ever really truly leave that stage?) and I would hate for that to end, but for me, I need the relationship part of D/s, not only the kink part and if he couldn’t see potential for a bit more of a relationship in the future then I didn’t think me continuing to see him was a good idea.  That’s not crazy, right?  I just want to know that I am valued, important and that he is willing to see where this might go.  But if he cannot or will not be open to that possibility then I am only setting myself up for heartbreak down the road.

It would just be such a damn shame to throw this all away because we didn’t lay out our individual expectations and needs in the beginning.  My advice to anyone starting a D/s relationship? Don’t stick to just negotiating your limits, kinks and safewords.  You need to also discuss what the other person wants/needs/hopes for during the times you are not playing as well.  Because it is those times, the times between that make or break a D/s relationship. In my opinion.  It is those times – that can make you feel the difference between being used and being treasured.  The difference between being important and being convenient.

In the playroom with Sir it’s……magic.  It’s perfect.  The energy, the submission he can evoke from me, the dynamic we have.  It’s exactly what I want in every possible way.  But outside of the playroom I have no fucking clue what’s going on.

All I want right now is a conversation.  I just want him to be open enough to want to at least sit down and discuss what the other person wants/needs/hopes for out of this.  What we are willing to do, or compromise on.  Maybe that conversation results in us deciding our needs are not compatible and I am fully prepared (hell, I am totally, unfortunately, expecting that) but we may just find out that we are so off base with each other after all.

Is that too much to ask?

I imagine I will fine out in a day or so when (if) I hear from him.

My dear dear bloggers – please put in a good word for me with the universe.  I really really need it.