Today was a weird day.
I was really battling with the feelings of hurt and betrayal by my ex for some reason today. It started when I was listening to music at work as I usually do and I listened to a song that many months ago really represented how I felt about him and at that time I sent him the lyrics all hearts and lovey dovey like (sent them then, no way in hell would I send them now!). It hit me like a boulder in my chest and I really struggled to stay composed. The feeling passed but has left me with this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I am almost on the verge of a panic attack. But why!?
I need to be clear. I have NO intentions of going back to him. Ever. Not that I have been in any contact with him for a long time now, but that I know for sure. Regardless of how conflicted I sometimes feel about it I know that relationship was not a healthy one and that he is quite frankly, not safe. Emotionally or physically for me.
Things have been going so well with me and Sir. After that talk and how he has been with me since then, I have been really really happy (strange sub-droppy days aside) and excited about where this could go. So why the excruciating walk down memory lane? I’ll be honest it has left me feeling raw today, and like I said almost on the verge of a panic attack. Is this some kind of strange PTSD? I mean, I know that a lot of what he put me through could be labeled abuse but I really don’t feel like I have been forever traumatized, even if it has left me with the odd unpleasant trigger reaction. I’ve been able to logic all of those and move forward.
I hate the thought that he has any kind of power over me still.
I am moving on. I am happy and excited and “in-like” with Sir, who is the real deal, and everything I could have ever wanted in a Dom. He treats me with kindness and respect, firmness but gentleness, dominance but care. I trust him totally to be honest with me and to take care with me and I know he would never ever disregard my feelings or limits or safewords like my ex. I feel safe with him. Which is no small thing. But days like today leave me feeling confused. I don’t love my ex any more and I don’t want him back. So what the hell?
Argh. I guess it is too much to ask to just erase years of that without some residual baggage clinging but dammit I really want to.
Not an inspiring post today friends, sorry. Just had to rant.