I Really Am Terrible At This Whole Blogging Thing

Jeez.  It has been ages it feels like since I have posted anything.  I have been incredibly busy and so much has happened!

Since this is a D/s blog I will focus on that side of things in my life.

Things are going very very well.  I can’t quite explain or properly describe the difference I have noticed in Sir lately.  I don’t know if it is simply that enough time now has passed and we have a better understanding of each other and we have grown closer, but it’s freakin’ awesome, whatever the reason.  I feel like there is no denying that this goes beyond play partners now, which is great 🙂

Sir and his primary and I are spending a lot of time together the three of us as well which has been working out wonderfully.  Not sexy times either!  Just hanging out, dining, cuddling together etc. time.  There is something so special about being in that situation and it not being awkward, or competitive, no jealousy or weirdness.  Just a mutual respect, caring and understanding.  We haven’t all played together yet, but I imagine it is only a matter of time.

I also attended a play party which was pretty amazing!  I will keep those details private though for now 😉

Sir and I had a good talk about tasks and have come up with a few that we both felt were a good fit, and I am really enjoying that aspect of things so far.  It helps give a place for my submission to go in-between visits, which has been so invaluable to me.  I already feel calmer and more centered just knowing that there are still ways I am able to submit even when I am not with him.  It’s a really big deal to me.  It also has made me feel more secure in my relationship.  Especially because these tasks aren’t sexual in nature (ie; no naked pics or anything like that lol) it makes me feel as though he views me as worth the extra effort he is now putting in to help me manage certain things through these tasks.

Not the best update I am afraid – but I am literally on my way out the door again, but I wanted to at least express just how happy I am these days 🙂

Much love to my lovely blogging friends!

xo

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Fantasy

Me again!

Recently I have had this running fantasy in my head.  it pops in and out throughout the day for the last few days.

Very recently I have discovered that I absolutely LOVE caning.  It doesn’t take very long for me to start feeling like my body is literally melting into the surface below and my breathing deepens.  Sir and I have only just begun to explore my love of caning – he is VERY good at it, and at making it good for me.  So we haven’t had a super long caning scene yet, but it is on the menu for very soon (yay!).

So that brings me to my fantasy.  I have the fantasy of being at a play party (with Sir of course) and he begins the caning scene with me.  He canes me for a good long while to get me to that mushy happy melty place and then, once I am in that “I really could care less about what’s going on around me just don’t stop what you are doing” place other people begin to take their turns at caning me.  One after another.  I imagine this going on for a long time until I am essentially on another planet after which Sir brings me back down to earth (it’s a necessary part of this for me that he doesn’t leave me at any point, always the careful observer).

I seriously cannot stop thinking about this.

I think it partly stems from the fact that I have a couple play parties coming up and while I am nervous as I have never been to one (and am not currently planning on playing, just observing and getting to know people) I can’t help but feeling like it would be so amazing to live out a fantasy like that.

Caning is one of those polarizing elements of BDSM I find, people either tend to love it or absolutely hate it.  I was terrified at the very thought before I had actually tried it.  Now it is one of the few things that I could never ever give up.

So there you have it – perhaps something I should add to my bucket list?

Happy.

I am so happy these days.

I am experiencing a way things could be that I always always wished for but never really thought they existed.

The feeling I have when I am around Sir is so…..good.  It’s this weird combination of being nervous (in a good way) yet so very calm because I am so aware of my place, and it is a place I very much want to be.

On the weekend I spent the evening and then night with Sir and his primary partner.  It was an amazing night.  We didn’t all get naked together, lol so that wasn’t it – it was just so refreshingly lovely to be all together, no jealousy, no conflict, just affection and care and fun.  He is amazing at dividing and sharing his attention in a way that no one feels left out.  Even though yes, his gf is his primary and I am not I didn’t feel less significant in any way.  I care about them both, and I just love spending time together, the three of us.  To be able to just be totally open and understanding like that is something I have never experienced before.  For a whole night I was able to be ME, even the parts of me I have to keep hidden most days I didn’t have to.  And I got to do it with 2 people who made me feel that I was loved.

I know it’s been a while since I have written, life has been super busy for me lately, but I had to update.  Things are going so well.  I feel finally like I (the sub me) has a place to call home in a way.  I have a place where I am wanted, all the parts of me.  And that is so very special.

Something also has changed with Sir that last couple of times I have seen him.  It’s hard to explain and I am honestly trying to not think too hard about it and I am fighting the urge to label it, but it feels….different.  Something in him the way he acts towards me has….deepened.  Or something.  The kisses, the touches.  They are more frequent, lingering, tender.  I don’t know what it is but I am going to sit quietly and enjoy it and see what happens.

Happy happy subbie over here 🙂

It’s Been Too Long!

It’s been WAY too long since I have written my lovely blogging friends!  I do have a good reason though!  I was away for almost a week so that took up my time, and I am so glad to be back.

Today was an….interesting…day.  I had/have a serious case of “cunt brain”.  God I still love that term!  I could hardly focus at work for my insane super horniness.  I don’t know what the heck has gotten into me but I am literally dying over here.  And no simple sex is going to cut it.  I need it all.  The pain, the moans, the multiple orgasms, the submission.  I need it hard and intense.  I need the “good girls” and the orders. DYING OVER HERE.

I was able to have an unexpected date with Sir before my trip which was nice, I was so happy not to have to wait another 2 weeks like I thought!  I still have the bruises – on my ass, my inner thighs and one nice one on one breast (hooray for post scene bruises!).  I felt a bit off that date though – I don’t know if it was because a whole month had gone by since  I had seen him last but I was feeling really self-conscious and body insecure.  I am almost always a bit insecure about certain areas of my body but I have, for the most part, gotten over it with Sir and am able to forget about it fairly soon into a scene when we are together.  Not this time.  I had a hard time getting out of my own head, and although Sir says I did “perfectly” I could feel the difference in myself and I hated that.  I also had to call yellow at one point – things just got too ouchie.  There’s this one implement that he uses that for some reason the sensations I can only take for a very brief amount of time.  Cane me, flog me, spank me, whatever – I’ll cry and squirm and beg but I will want more and more and more – but this thing I just can’t handle.  I don’t even fully know what it is cause I can’t see it and never think to ask afterwards cause I am too out of it to do so LOL.

Sir’s primary have become great friends, in other news, and it is lovely.  We are getting together the 3 of us this weekend and I am super excited, although a little nervous if Sir wants us to all play – which he most likely will (although I know he won’t push the issue if I am not feeling comfortable with that).  I don’t know what will happen but I am happy to see what happens naturally and go from there.  This is the first poly type situation like this (where we all know and spend time together) I have ever been in and I am loving it.  Once I got over the initial insecurity of my place in it (well mostly got over anyway) I was able to really just go with the flow and I absolutely love spending time with both of them together for many reasons, but one of which is how absolutely refreshing it is to be able to spend time together and it not be awkward or uncomfortable. I am repeatedly amazed at her willingness and ability to share a part of him with me so genuinely and to be totally happy that him and I are also together. I actually enjoy seeing them together and have encouraged her to feel free to be as affectionate with him as she wants to be while I am around.  I am still figuring out myself how to act around him when she is there so I am just going to take his lead on it.  She has promised to communicate openly with me if there is anything I do that makes her upset or uncomfortable and give me a chance to change my approach before she gets angry – her and I have talked at length about this and so far we are totally on the same page.

Part of me REALLY hopes that I will end up being comfortable enough for some play because good god do I ever need it right now.  Again, if it happens naturally then I will go with it, or try to at least.  Agh if only I could get out of my own head more.

I am really hoping for an overnight date with Sir one of these times soon – I really want to be able to let go fully.  Cry, scream, whatever.  I’d love to hit subspace, but even just the catharsis of crying would be so welcome right now – I can feel it bubbling up inside me, but it needs me to have a serious painful work over for it to come out.  So far we have always had somewhere to be after – either me or him, so there’s only so far you can go when you know that ultimately there is a time limit on your scene.  I had mentioned needing a really intense long scene to Sir’s primary and she was the one actually who recommended making plans for a weekend night so I could just sleep over and not need to worry about needing to be somewhere.  Have I said how awesome poly can be when you are all on the same page?  So I think if I need it, and she has no problem with it then Sir might be happy to oblige one of these days 🙂

Anyway, I need to get a hold of these freaking hormones or whatever it is that is making me a wet, needy, horny mess right now – but please keep your fingers crossed that my insecurities don’t get in the way this weekend so I can have some kinky fun lol

Anyone else in this blogging world been in a situation where they have been one of 2 subs playing under one Dom at the same time for the first time?  I have before, but never as the “secondary” so maybe that is where my insecurity is coming from, I don’t know.  But I would love to hear your advice or your experiences.  Neither Sir nor his gf are pressuring me, they have let me know they are more than happy just to have my company that night so I don’t feel pressure, more just frustration at this mental block I have set up in my own brain.  I’d love to get over it.

1 Month

It’s been a month since I have seen Sir.  Ugh.

As you know I was having a really hard time earlier this week (Thanks Mother Nature) but I am feeling mostly over the crazies.  A surprise late night text from Sir helped.  Just to tell me he was thinking of me and wanted to touch base before he went away on a trip for a week.  It’s amazing how just something little like that can help lift the fog and make me feel connected again 🙂

I am still jonesing for some, any, way to submit but I will just have to be patient until we can have that talk about tasks.  I am both really excited and nervous about that.  I have never done the task thing before, so I don’t know how I will respond to it.  I tend to sometimes get caught up in feeling silly about certain things, although interestingly enough those are often the things that I think about and crave the most.  I have written about submissive poses before and how I absolutely love them but I also really struggle when Sir asks me to name and demonstrate them for him.  I almost feel as though I am performing for him.  D/s carries so many odd dichotomies like that doesn’t it?  I think the allure is it is doing the things that make me the most uncomfortable, the ones that stretch me personally like that (in a good way) that I feel the most submissive.  I have a feeling that tasks will have a similar effect.  Or at least I hope they do.  I just want to make sure that this is something he will derive some satisfaction or enjoyment from.  If it is going to just be a chore than I don’t want that at all.

Sir’s girlfriend/sub and I have plans for the weekend – I really enjoy her company, although I don’t exactly know where it is going or what her expectations are, but I am looking forward to continuing to get to know her better in any event.

So that’s about it for me today folks, nothing new to report on the D/s level this week unfortunately.  Hoping that will change sooner rather than later!

Can a girl just get a little attention over here?!

Another venting post, sorry.  I have a feeling there will be more of these to come during this long intermission before I can see Sir again and get my inner subbie back to her happy place.

I am having a really hard day.  I have realized that I am PMS-ing (TMI? lol) and that when I am PMS-ing I have an impossible time regulating my emotions and this edgy, lost feeling becomes overwhelming. 😦

I can’t bear the thought of another 3 plus weeks going by without seeing him and getting my submissive on but I know I will have to.  There literally won’t be any way to fit anything in before then due to conflicting travel plans on both our parts.  So certainly no one is to blame.  But it freaking sucks!

It is only times like these that I struggle with, not jealousy, but envy of Sir’s relationship with his primary.  I don’t want what they have, per say, I just am feeling down and all over the place and I don’t know how to reach out to him to tell him so when a. it won’t make any difference as we can’t see each other for a few weeks anyway, b. he can’t “fix” my hormones and c. I don’t feel like my inability to compartmentalize properly for a few days is his problem.  So yeah.  When I hear about the time that they get to have together it makes me feel a little blue.  Ok, a LOT blue this time of the month.

With my last relationship, while we have established that it was extremely dysfunctional much of the time, I have to give him credit for being very understanding of me during this time of the month.  If I told him I was an emotional wreck due to hormones he always made an effort to either come over and snuggle, or if he couldn’t he would call me.  This isn’t me reminiscing, just recognizing that this was something that helped me feel better.  Maybe one day when things aren’t so new Sir and I will get to a place where I feel comfortable reaching out to him during times like these.  I just utterly hate how irrationally emotional I am during this time and I do NOT want to be the needy sub.

I feel almost like I have a case of sub-drop.  This is clearly not the case but I still feel a bit lost, all the same.  God what I wouldn’t give for some serious impact play and snuggles right about now.

I also don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this who would understand other than Sir’s primary, who I really don’t think would want to hear me pine for her boyfriend, no matter how close her and I have grown lately lol.  So you, my poor blogging friends get to hear me whine and moan.  Lucky you! 😉

Just me, having a pity party table of one over here.

Summertime Sadness

I’m having a hard time.

I’ve been keeping really busy, lots to do around the house, trips to the beach, catching up on some things I have been putting off for a while.  It’s been great, productive, but not nearly enough.

It’s been 3 weeks since Sir and I saw each other last and it will be at least another 3 until we see each other next.  I am edgy and crawling out of my skin.  No real solution for it, and I will be fine, I know this, but man. This sucks.

I know it’s just this month, and that the summer is super busy for both of us.  Most likely things will slow down a bit come September and I am hoping that Sir and I can work out more of a regular schedule, not anything set in stone or micromanaged, but have a talk about what we can both reasonably expect/offer in terms of how often we get together.  This month is just crazy.  But that doesn’t make it any easier right now.  I am feeling out of sorts.  Sigh.

In good news though, Sir obviously read between the lines of me asking him what he thought of assigning a sub tasks and said that he has done it before and that we can definitely discuss how that would work and what it could look like for me.  So he obviously knew what I was getting at so a discussion is on the table for next time.  I think this will help me immensely during the in-between times.

But in the meantime I will have to deal with this edginess and feeling off and just look forward to the next time, which I am sure will be made even more amazing because of the long time apart. 🙂

That’s all.  Just needed to vent.

xo