I Really Am Terrible At This Whole Blogging Thing

Jeez.  It has been ages it feels like since I have posted anything.  I have been incredibly busy and so much has happened!

Since this is a D/s blog I will focus on that side of things in my life.

Things are going very very well.  I can’t quite explain or properly describe the difference I have noticed in Sir lately.  I don’t know if it is simply that enough time now has passed and we have a better understanding of each other and we have grown closer, but it’s freakin’ awesome, whatever the reason.  I feel like there is no denying that this goes beyond play partners now, which is great 🙂

Sir and his primary and I are spending a lot of time together the three of us as well which has been working out wonderfully.  Not sexy times either!  Just hanging out, dining, cuddling together etc. time.  There is something so special about being in that situation and it not being awkward, or competitive, no jealousy or weirdness.  Just a mutual respect, caring and understanding.  We haven’t all played together yet, but I imagine it is only a matter of time.

I also attended a play party which was pretty amazing!  I will keep those details private though for now 😉

Sir and I had a good talk about tasks and have come up with a few that we both felt were a good fit, and I am really enjoying that aspect of things so far.  It helps give a place for my submission to go in-between visits, which has been so invaluable to me.  I already feel calmer and more centered just knowing that there are still ways I am able to submit even when I am not with him.  It’s a really big deal to me.  It also has made me feel more secure in my relationship.  Especially because these tasks aren’t sexual in nature (ie; no naked pics or anything like that lol) it makes me feel as though he views me as worth the extra effort he is now putting in to help me manage certain things through these tasks.

Not the best update I am afraid – but I am literally on my way out the door again, but I wanted to at least express just how happy I am these days 🙂

Much love to my lovely blogging friends!

xo

Fantasy

Me again!

Recently I have had this running fantasy in my head.  it pops in and out throughout the day for the last few days.

Very recently I have discovered that I absolutely LOVE caning.  It doesn’t take very long for me to start feeling like my body is literally melting into the surface below and my breathing deepens.  Sir and I have only just begun to explore my love of caning – he is VERY good at it, and at making it good for me.  So we haven’t had a super long caning scene yet, but it is on the menu for very soon (yay!).

So that brings me to my fantasy.  I have the fantasy of being at a play party (with Sir of course) and he begins the caning scene with me.  He canes me for a good long while to get me to that mushy happy melty place and then, once I am in that “I really could care less about what’s going on around me just don’t stop what you are doing” place other people begin to take their turns at caning me.  One after another.  I imagine this going on for a long time until I am essentially on another planet after which Sir brings me back down to earth (it’s a necessary part of this for me that he doesn’t leave me at any point, always the careful observer).

I seriously cannot stop thinking about this.

I think it partly stems from the fact that I have a couple play parties coming up and while I am nervous as I have never been to one (and am not currently planning on playing, just observing and getting to know people) I can’t help but feeling like it would be so amazing to live out a fantasy like that.

Caning is one of those polarizing elements of BDSM I find, people either tend to love it or absolutely hate it.  I was terrified at the very thought before I had actually tried it.  Now it is one of the few things that I could never ever give up.

So there you have it – perhaps something I should add to my bucket list?

Happy.

I am so happy these days.

I am experiencing a way things could be that I always always wished for but never really thought they existed.

The feeling I have when I am around Sir is so…..good.  It’s this weird combination of being nervous (in a good way) yet so very calm because I am so aware of my place, and it is a place I very much want to be.

On the weekend I spent the evening and then night with Sir and his primary partner.  It was an amazing night.  We didn’t all get naked together, lol so that wasn’t it – it was just so refreshingly lovely to be all together, no jealousy, no conflict, just affection and care and fun.  He is amazing at dividing and sharing his attention in a way that no one feels left out.  Even though yes, his gf is his primary and I am not I didn’t feel less significant in any way.  I care about them both, and I just love spending time together, the three of us.  To be able to just be totally open and understanding like that is something I have never experienced before.  For a whole night I was able to be ME, even the parts of me I have to keep hidden most days I didn’t have to.  And I got to do it with 2 people who made me feel that I was loved.

I know it’s been a while since I have written, life has been super busy for me lately, but I had to update.  Things are going so well.  I feel finally like I (the sub me) has a place to call home in a way.  I have a place where I am wanted, all the parts of me.  And that is so very special.

Something also has changed with Sir that last couple of times I have seen him.  It’s hard to explain and I am honestly trying to not think too hard about it and I am fighting the urge to label it, but it feels….different.  Something in him the way he acts towards me has….deepened.  Or something.  The kisses, the touches.  They are more frequent, lingering, tender.  I don’t know what it is but I am going to sit quietly and enjoy it and see what happens.

Happy happy subbie over here 🙂

It’s Been Too Long!

It’s been WAY too long since I have written my lovely blogging friends!  I do have a good reason though!  I was away for almost a week so that took up my time, and I am so glad to be back.

Today was an….interesting…day.  I had/have a serious case of “cunt brain”.  God I still love that term!  I could hardly focus at work for my insane super horniness.  I don’t know what the heck has gotten into me but I am literally dying over here.  And no simple sex is going to cut it.  I need it all.  The pain, the moans, the multiple orgasms, the submission.  I need it hard and intense.  I need the “good girls” and the orders. DYING OVER HERE.

I was able to have an unexpected date with Sir before my trip which was nice, I was so happy not to have to wait another 2 weeks like I thought!  I still have the bruises – on my ass, my inner thighs and one nice one on one breast (hooray for post scene bruises!).  I felt a bit off that date though – I don’t know if it was because a whole month had gone by since  I had seen him last but I was feeling really self-conscious and body insecure.  I am almost always a bit insecure about certain areas of my body but I have, for the most part, gotten over it with Sir and am able to forget about it fairly soon into a scene when we are together.  Not this time.  I had a hard time getting out of my own head, and although Sir says I did “perfectly” I could feel the difference in myself and I hated that.  I also had to call yellow at one point – things just got too ouchie.  There’s this one implement that he uses that for some reason the sensations I can only take for a very brief amount of time.  Cane me, flog me, spank me, whatever – I’ll cry and squirm and beg but I will want more and more and more – but this thing I just can’t handle.  I don’t even fully know what it is cause I can’t see it and never think to ask afterwards cause I am too out of it to do so LOL.

Sir’s primary have become great friends, in other news, and it is lovely.  We are getting together the 3 of us this weekend and I am super excited, although a little nervous if Sir wants us to all play – which he most likely will (although I know he won’t push the issue if I am not feeling comfortable with that).  I don’t know what will happen but I am happy to see what happens naturally and go from there.  This is the first poly type situation like this (where we all know and spend time together) I have ever been in and I am loving it.  Once I got over the initial insecurity of my place in it (well mostly got over anyway) I was able to really just go with the flow and I absolutely love spending time with both of them together for many reasons, but one of which is how absolutely refreshing it is to be able to spend time together and it not be awkward or uncomfortable. I am repeatedly amazed at her willingness and ability to share a part of him with me so genuinely and to be totally happy that him and I are also together. I actually enjoy seeing them together and have encouraged her to feel free to be as affectionate with him as she wants to be while I am around.  I am still figuring out myself how to act around him when she is there so I am just going to take his lead on it.  She has promised to communicate openly with me if there is anything I do that makes her upset or uncomfortable and give me a chance to change my approach before she gets angry – her and I have talked at length about this and so far we are totally on the same page.

Part of me REALLY hopes that I will end up being comfortable enough for some play because good god do I ever need it right now.  Again, if it happens naturally then I will go with it, or try to at least.  Agh if only I could get out of my own head more.

I am really hoping for an overnight date with Sir one of these times soon – I really want to be able to let go fully.  Cry, scream, whatever.  I’d love to hit subspace, but even just the catharsis of crying would be so welcome right now – I can feel it bubbling up inside me, but it needs me to have a serious painful work over for it to come out.  So far we have always had somewhere to be after – either me or him, so there’s only so far you can go when you know that ultimately there is a time limit on your scene.  I had mentioned needing a really intense long scene to Sir’s primary and she was the one actually who recommended making plans for a weekend night so I could just sleep over and not need to worry about needing to be somewhere.  Have I said how awesome poly can be when you are all on the same page?  So I think if I need it, and she has no problem with it then Sir might be happy to oblige one of these days 🙂

Anyway, I need to get a hold of these freaking hormones or whatever it is that is making me a wet, needy, horny mess right now – but please keep your fingers crossed that my insecurities don’t get in the way this weekend so I can have some kinky fun lol

Anyone else in this blogging world been in a situation where they have been one of 2 subs playing under one Dom at the same time for the first time?  I have before, but never as the “secondary” so maybe that is where my insecurity is coming from, I don’t know.  But I would love to hear your advice or your experiences.  Neither Sir nor his gf are pressuring me, they have let me know they are more than happy just to have my company that night so I don’t feel pressure, more just frustration at this mental block I have set up in my own brain.  I’d love to get over it.

1 Month

It’s been a month since I have seen Sir.  Ugh.

As you know I was having a really hard time earlier this week (Thanks Mother Nature) but I am feeling mostly over the crazies.  A surprise late night text from Sir helped.  Just to tell me he was thinking of me and wanted to touch base before he went away on a trip for a week.  It’s amazing how just something little like that can help lift the fog and make me feel connected again 🙂

I am still jonesing for some, any, way to submit but I will just have to be patient until we can have that talk about tasks.  I am both really excited and nervous about that.  I have never done the task thing before, so I don’t know how I will respond to it.  I tend to sometimes get caught up in feeling silly about certain things, although interestingly enough those are often the things that I think about and crave the most.  I have written about submissive poses before and how I absolutely love them but I also really struggle when Sir asks me to name and demonstrate them for him.  I almost feel as though I am performing for him.  D/s carries so many odd dichotomies like that doesn’t it?  I think the allure is it is doing the things that make me the most uncomfortable, the ones that stretch me personally like that (in a good way) that I feel the most submissive.  I have a feeling that tasks will have a similar effect.  Or at least I hope they do.  I just want to make sure that this is something he will derive some satisfaction or enjoyment from.  If it is going to just be a chore than I don’t want that at all.

Sir’s girlfriend/sub and I have plans for the weekend – I really enjoy her company, although I don’t exactly know where it is going or what her expectations are, but I am looking forward to continuing to get to know her better in any event.

So that’s about it for me today folks, nothing new to report on the D/s level this week unfortunately.  Hoping that will change sooner rather than later!

Can a girl just get a little attention over here?!

Another venting post, sorry.  I have a feeling there will be more of these to come during this long intermission before I can see Sir again and get my inner subbie back to her happy place.

I am having a really hard day.  I have realized that I am PMS-ing (TMI? lol) and that when I am PMS-ing I have an impossible time regulating my emotions and this edgy, lost feeling becomes overwhelming. 😦

I can’t bear the thought of another 3 plus weeks going by without seeing him and getting my submissive on but I know I will have to.  There literally won’t be any way to fit anything in before then due to conflicting travel plans on both our parts.  So certainly no one is to blame.  But it freaking sucks!

It is only times like these that I struggle with, not jealousy, but envy of Sir’s relationship with his primary.  I don’t want what they have, per say, I just am feeling down and all over the place and I don’t know how to reach out to him to tell him so when a. it won’t make any difference as we can’t see each other for a few weeks anyway, b. he can’t “fix” my hormones and c. I don’t feel like my inability to compartmentalize properly for a few days is his problem.  So yeah.  When I hear about the time that they get to have together it makes me feel a little blue.  Ok, a LOT blue this time of the month.

With my last relationship, while we have established that it was extremely dysfunctional much of the time, I have to give him credit for being very understanding of me during this time of the month.  If I told him I was an emotional wreck due to hormones he always made an effort to either come over and snuggle, or if he couldn’t he would call me.  This isn’t me reminiscing, just recognizing that this was something that helped me feel better.  Maybe one day when things aren’t so new Sir and I will get to a place where I feel comfortable reaching out to him during times like these.  I just utterly hate how irrationally emotional I am during this time and I do NOT want to be the needy sub.

I feel almost like I have a case of sub-drop.  This is clearly not the case but I still feel a bit lost, all the same.  God what I wouldn’t give for some serious impact play and snuggles right about now.

I also don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this who would understand other than Sir’s primary, who I really don’t think would want to hear me pine for her boyfriend, no matter how close her and I have grown lately lol.  So you, my poor blogging friends get to hear me whine and moan.  Lucky you! 😉

Just me, having a pity party table of one over here.

Summertime Sadness

I’m having a hard time.

I’ve been keeping really busy, lots to do around the house, trips to the beach, catching up on some things I have been putting off for a while.  It’s been great, productive, but not nearly enough.

It’s been 3 weeks since Sir and I saw each other last and it will be at least another 3 until we see each other next.  I am edgy and crawling out of my skin.  No real solution for it, and I will be fine, I know this, but man. This sucks.

I know it’s just this month, and that the summer is super busy for both of us.  Most likely things will slow down a bit come September and I am hoping that Sir and I can work out more of a regular schedule, not anything set in stone or micromanaged, but have a talk about what we can both reasonably expect/offer in terms of how often we get together.  This month is just crazy.  But that doesn’t make it any easier right now.  I am feeling out of sorts.  Sigh.

In good news though, Sir obviously read between the lines of me asking him what he thought of assigning a sub tasks and said that he has done it before and that we can definitely discuss how that would work and what it could look like for me.  So he obviously knew what I was getting at so a discussion is on the table for next time.  I think this will help me immensely during the in-between times.

But in the meantime I will have to deal with this edginess and feeling off and just look forward to the next time, which I am sure will be made even more amazing because of the long time apart. 🙂

That’s all.  Just needed to vent.

xo

What Say You Lovely Bloggers?

Hello lovely blogging friends!

I had a question, almost a survey of sorts for those of you who are in D/s relationships.

It’s about tasks (for lack of a better word).

Basically what I have been struggling with a lot lately in feeling the need to submit when apart from Sir and not having a way to do that (although truth be told I think just having some freaking patience is an exercise in submission all in itself!) haha

I mentioned in my last post that I didn’t think Sir and I were there yet (or if it will ever be a part of our dynamic due to me not being his primary D/s relationship, or he may not even have any interest in this kind of thing, I don’t know yet) regarding him setting tasks for me.  By tasks I really just mean something for me to do for him so that I can feel as though I am submitting to him even when we are apart.  I feel like this would be hugely comforting for me and ease some of the edginess I feel when more than a week or two goes by in-between dates. Being halfway through a 6 week (or more) period of absence due to crazy busy schedules and travel on both of our parts I am really really struggling with my submission and no where to place it!

I see many of your blogs where your blog in itself is a task set to you by your d-types, for some it is sending a text with specific content or a picture every day, or going to bed at a certain time, others have dietary or exercise rules or restrictions etc. etc.  The list could go on.  I am open to pretty much anything, provided it is something I can do without it interfering with my work or family.  I don’t know if it would help me in these in-between times but I have to think it will.  I know it is something I would like to experience.

My problem is this:  I am too scared to ask.  Part of me feels like if this was something he was interested in doing he would have brought it up already.  (logic says we are still new and he may just not realize that I would be ok with that this early in the game).  I also feel like it must be like, work for the Dom.  I feel like I would be essentially asking him to put yet another thing on his plate by giving me a task and holding me accountable to it.  I certainly do not, in any way, wish to become a chore for him.  I shudder at the thought of that.

What are your thoughts, friends?  I would love to hear the perspective of both s and D types on this if you have a moment.  If this is something you have in your dynamic how did it come about?  If not, have you talked about it?  I am open to hearing other’s experiences 🙂

I kind of put the feelers out by just asking him what his opinion on setting tasks was so once I get a reply maybe that will clear things up a bit.  But actually saying “hey I would love for you to add even more to your schedule and responsibilities by giving me some tasks and them holding me accountable to them.”  I know communication is key, and this is definitely NOT a deal breaker type thing for me – we’ve had some great talks as you all know and are in a really good place.  I just feel a bit…..lost when too long goes by and I have to keep my inner subbie locked in a box.

Thanks for letting me ramble, as always

Frustration Station

Wow.  I am really terrible at this regular blogging thing.

To be fair, I haven’t had much in the way of D/s to write about and that, for me, is the main purpose of this blog.  The rest of my life, while happy and lovely, is not exciting writing material generally lol

Due to unforeseen circumstances on my end my most recent date with Sir was cancelled 😦  But it was a family issue and family always has to come first.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck big time though!  It has now been almost 3 weeks since I have seen Sir and it will be at least another 3.5 weeks until I can see him next.  6 weeks in total.  Seriously how in the hell am I going to last!? LOL I am already super edgy, unsettled.  I just feel….off, when I can’t get my submission on.  LOL.  I think we have well established on this blog that patience is NOT my virtue.  Good thing I have other virtues 😉 haha

I have considered asking Sir if he would be willing to give me some tasks for this time between so that I can have something to sink my subbie teeth into, so to speak.  But I don’t know that that is where our dynamic is yet.  I am hoping that kind of thing can be incorporated in the future but I don’t think we are there yet.  At any rate I haven’t had the guts to ask so I haven’t.

So it looks like a certain sub is going to have to just be patient.  Some how.

I will be throwing myself into my fitness during this time, who knows maybe I can use this pent up energy to make some gains (or losses haha) in that area in the meantime and look extra sexy for when we reunite! haha

What about you my lovely blogging friends?  How do you deal with pent up submissive/dominant/sexual energy when relief isn’t in sight for a long time?  Maybe I’ll get some ideas 🙂

I Call Bullshit On The Past.

Today was a weird day.

I was really battling with the feelings of hurt and betrayal by my ex for some reason today.  It started when I was listening to music at work as I usually do and I listened to a song that many months ago really represented how I felt about him and at that time I sent him the lyrics all hearts and lovey dovey like (sent them then, no way in hell would I send them now!).  It hit me like a boulder in my chest and I really struggled to stay composed.  The feeling passed but has left me with this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I am almost on the verge of a panic attack.  But why!?

I need to be clear.  I have NO intentions of going back to him.  Ever.  Not that I have been in any contact with him for a long time now, but that I know for sure.  Regardless of how conflicted I sometimes feel about it I know that relationship was not a healthy one and that he is quite frankly, not safe.  Emotionally or physically for me.

Things have been going so well with me and Sir.  After that talk and how he has been with me since then, I have been really really happy (strange sub-droppy days aside) and excited about where this could go.  So why the excruciating walk down memory lane?  I’ll be honest it has left me feeling raw today, and like I said almost on the verge of a panic attack.  Is this some kind of strange PTSD?  I mean, I know that a lot of what he put me through could be labeled abuse but I really don’t feel like I have been forever traumatized, even if it has left me with the odd unpleasant trigger reaction.  I’ve been able to logic all of those and move forward.

I hate the thought that he has any kind of power over me still.

I am moving on.  I am happy and excited and “in-like” with Sir, who is the real deal, and everything I could have ever wanted in a Dom.  He treats me with kindness and respect, firmness but gentleness, dominance but care.  I trust him totally to be honest with me and to take care with me and I know he would never ever disregard my feelings or limits or safewords like my ex.  I feel safe with him. Which is no small thing.  But days like today leave me feeling confused.  I don’t love my ex any more and I don’t want him back.  So what the hell?

Argh.  I guess it is too much to ask to just erase years of that without some residual baggage clinging but dammit I really want to.

Not an inspiring post today friends, sorry.  Just had to rant.