I am a keeper of secrets.
I am an onion full of paper layers, you could almost see through but not quite.
Every time I am wondering if I can really, truly do my job I shove that thought aside and get back to work, keeping the secret of how afraid I am that it’s too much, that I don’t have the energy for this, that the social demands my job places on me is too strenuous.
Every time my children talk about their excited plans for their birthday parties and summer road trip plans I stomp down the fear of costs, time, and how we will manage it all in favor of giving them lasting memories of a fun filled childhood. I keep it a secret.
Every time I think of the big party I have RSVP’d to attend in a couple of weeks I keep the secret of how much I really don’t want to go, that staying in with a cup of tea sounds so much better, but it means a lot to my friend so I will keep the secret and plaster a smile on my face.
Every time I want to shout from the rooftops how happy I am to have met Him I swallow it dry because very few people would understand and I don’t need that judgement in my life.
Every time I hear from Him or think of him I keep the secret of just how blissfully happy I am because it’s too soon. Too early for feelings and I don’t want to screw it up.
I need someone to brave the tears and peel my onion back, layer by layer until I am the keeper of secrets no more.
Until then, I come here.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my submission. About D/s in general I guess but I have been trying to come to a better understanding of myself and my submission so that I can bring my best to the table with Sir. I get to see him in a couple days and while yes I am excited about all the sexy kinky stuff I want to…..sink. I want to sink into my submission so that, for an afternoon, all that exists in my world is him. He deserves that and I think I do too.
This is not my first time, and yet it is. I don’t know what is in store for me this weekend and I like that. I like that I will be nervous. I like that I will have butterflies. I like that my body will give him no resistance.
Because only by making my submission not about me, but about HIM, will I also get what I need. He wants to meet my needs. I know this. He gets great pleasure in taking care of the inner submissive inside me. This is a need of his as well. But I want to focus on him. I want to pay attention. I want to learn him. I want to listen closely to his whispers and obey without hesitation. I want to feel pleasure if he desires it or pain if that would please him. I want to be honest in my reactions because he desires and expects honesty. He is learning me too. I want to walk in with no expectation of either pain or pleasure and recognize that my greatest pleasure is his pleasure. My greatest pleasure is him feeling like I am worthy of a whisper of “good girl” in my ear. I want him to see the value in me and my submission. I want to please him in whatever he requires.
And in return? I get….peace. I get understanding. I get to feel strong in my submission. I get to feel accomplished and desirable. Beautiful and special. I get to feel known and appreciated and respected. I get to be myself, without restraint. I get to give a wonderful man exactly what he needs in a way he can’t get anywhere in his vanilla life. I get to know that I make him also feel understood, valued, special, respected, strong and accomplished. What is more wonderful than that?
But I have to give it all up.
I struggle sometimes with some body issues. I don’t have low self-esteem, it’s not that. And honestly, even though I am working to lose 15 pounds I don’t hate my body. Except for one area. After having my babies my tummy was, well, ruined, for lack of a better word. Covered in stretch marks crinkly skin and lose skin as well that no amount of weights or cardio will correct. I recognize this as a reminder of the beautiful sacrifice I made bringing my amazing babies into the world, but that to the rest of the world it is not attractive. And I recognize that from a purely aesthetic point of view it isn’t attractive. Oh if only for that part I would love my body, with my womanly curves, I love my boobs, my legs. But that part I….well it’s a struggle.
On my last date with Sir, I balked while being stripped away of layers of clothing and begged to just keep my tank top on off my shoulders, just around my waist covering that part. He didn’t want to but I begged and said it would be too distracting to me to have it uncovered. He graciously allowed it. But he says he will not allow it this time. He was kind about it but said I needed to trust him that he isn’t going to care and that he likes everything he has seen just fine. That unless this was a hard limit he was going to see. I know he doesn’t want that scrap of cloth between us. It’s more that a scrap of cloth. It’s insecurity. That is what he wants to remove. That is what lays between us when I have that on. And I recognize that this is not acceptable. This is what I need to give up. I need to give up this last piece of ego and submit. I need to get out of my head and stop telling myself what he is feeling and start listening to what HE says he is feeling. He’s going to eventually see it anyway and to be honest, during all of that evening’s activities it’s not like the top stayed put anyway.
I don’t think of myself as a necessarily insecure person. Not in most ways at least. I can’t be in my job, or with my children. I am not afraid to stand up for myself when needed. I AM shy, especially when meeting new people, but I think that’s more the fact that I am just an introvert so new people or large groups of people just tire me out. But I otherwise feel good about myself. I like how I look (most of the time) and I have always dated attractive men (although attraction is very subjective of course) but it’s this. one. part. I want him to look at me and think I am beautiful.
But I have been focused on the wrong beauty. That’s what I realized recently.
It is the beauty of my submission I need to focus on. So I am giving it up. The ego, the insecurity. The fact that if he wasn’t attracted to me we wouldn’t be having more than one date. I know this. Women, why do we do this to ourselves?
I guess I am just…..scared.
OK so here goes another one! I was struggling with what to write today. I am trying to post daily, it is a great way to purge my mind, even if some of my thoughts are repetitive or rambling. This is my journal. So anyway, I was struggling with what to write today when I came across another “30 Days Of” quiz/meme. I like to do these all at once, like I have said before once I start a quiz I have to finish it, I am not nearly patient enough to take 30 days!
1. Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? (ie; submissive/bottom/slave/pet/little/masochist)
Firstly, I should point out that I am not a fan of labels. Rarely is there a one size fits all for anything in life, most especially this. But if I had to choose, I would say “submissive” as that is how I identify. Are there elements of others in my submission? Absolutely, but ultimately I submit. Therefore I am submissive. In the way that makes sense for me personally.
2. Describe who you might submit to and how. (ie; exclusively in the bedroom, 24/7, sexual, service). Are you submissive only in the context or a scene or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?
Generally speaking I am submissive in the context of a scene, although it does bleed over a bit (ie; calling Sir, Sir, during the day via text or just in normal conversation). But I do not live 24/7, not that I am opposed to that, but given my open-relationship status with hubby it isn’t very realistic.
I guess things can start out as play-partners, but I think I would only submit to a man that I could see myself developing a more serious D/s relationship with. I wouldn’t be able to just walk into the local dungeon and submit to someone. Nothing wring with it, I just need the feels too. 🙂
3. How do you know you are submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
I am not sure I know how to answer this. How do you know you are straight or gay? I just….do? Beginning with submissive fantasies and then onto experimenting that confirmed yes, it does indeed make me happy!
4. Do you switch into a Dominant role at any time? Are you a “switch”? Have you ever thought about it?
No I don’t. It just isn’t in my nature at all. Even the thought of say, flogging someone has me feeling……weird. I don’t think I could do it. Now I haven’t ever tried, but to be honest, I have zero desire to.
5. Have you ever been in a D/s relationship before or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one? How do they compare? What is unique about your relationship in your mind?
Yes/no. I thought I was in one, but have realized it was not really D/s after all. Compared to my small experience so far with Sir? No comparison. Two completely different planets. After experiencing what I have so far with Sir I wouldn’t go back to my previous experience if you offered me anything.
6. What do you feel are the roots of your submission?
I don’t know. I know what it does for me now: an extreme sense of satisfaction for pleasing my Dom, peace, clarity of mind, relaxation, stress relief, it even helps with my Fibromyalgia pain. But where it all stems from? No clue. There was a time when I wanted to know this, but now? I don’t care. I embrace it.
7. Do you accept/expect discipline/punishment as a part of your submission?
Yes, if I screw up I want to know. I want to know I am cared about enough to be corrected. Lovingly, not cruelly. But I am a good girl so this isn’t a huge thing so far 😉
8. Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
Spanking/impact play yes absolutely. A huge part. But not as punishment, just as…yum.
9. Do you accept/expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
I think there is an element of this in all D/s relationships. You as the sub set the basic parameters (ie; hard limits) and the Dom sets the tone within those. Just my opinion.
10. Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your D/s relationship? How do you feel about that? If so, is it a core to your submission or on the peripheral or non-existent?
It is a huge part of my submission yes. Bondage, for instance, ironically calms me down, blindfolds help me feel less shy, pain intensifies my pleasure and my feelings of submission. I don’t believe BDSM has to be a part of a D/s dynamic (although I think it commonly is) but it is 100% for me.
11. Do you include service as a part of your submission? What does service mean to you?
I think I am a bit unclear of what “service” relates to. Being submissive by mopping your floors? No thanks lol. I am happy to lend a helping hand, but I wouldn’t personally get much out of that type of dynamic. But I do love servicing the person that is my Dom. Giving massages for example after he has had a long day. That I love to do.
12. Do you include financial submission within the definition of you submission? If so, what does this mean to you?
Nope, nope and nope.
13. Is sexual availability (being available sexually for your partner any time they desire) part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
Yes, in the way that, at any point during play if he wants inside me then he gets inside me. I would also be totally fine with being available any other time, only limits would be dependant on my vanilla life: kids, hubby etc.
14. Does your religious beliefs influence your submission in any way? If so, explain.
No. I am not religious although I do consider myself spiritual, I don’t believe in a God. But either way, religion doesn’t factor in.
15. Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how? If not (or if you are just starting out) how do you see it evolving over time?
Yes it has evolved in a couple of ways.
1. I have a much better idea of what I like/don’t like, what I want/don’t want and what I am looking for in a Dom.
2. I am very at ease and comfortable with this side of myself. I have no shame about being submissive. I had much more conflicting feelings about that years ago when I first started exploring.
16. Have you found your submission has changed with different partners? If you are involved with partners of different genders does their gender affect your submission?
I think my submission is a core part of myself. That doesn’t change depending on the partner. How much of that side of myself I give, or the activities involved definitely do depend on my partner though.
17. What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
Everything. And I have learned that it is not just the obvious physical trust you must have with a partner (ie; not to get murdered while in bondage) but for me, the emotional trust is key as well. I am an emotional being and my submission centers on that a lot. I need to trust that I am valued, respected and important to someone. Genuinely cared for.
18. How does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires/needs?
It’s huge obviously, or it should be. I am not the best communicator. My mouth doesn’t always want to cooperate with my brain and things just don’t come out the way I want them too. Being shy also gets in the way of communication although I am getting better at having the frank conversations about stuff, it is by no means easy. I articulate better in written form, which isn’t very practical in real life! LOL
I communicate my needs/desires by simply stating them, right off the bat in the beginning. Post play conversations are a good time too if there way something I really didn’t enjoy. But as I have discovered with Sir, my vocal noises, body language (and let’s not forget my multiple orgasms!) communicate with him the whole time too LOL.
19. How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk about this aspect of your life or for networking? Do you ever go to events or connect in any other way either in person or online?
Other than this blog and fetlife I am not very “public”. I would like to attend some events, but not until things have progressed with Sir (if they do) and I have my Dom to go with (and hide behind! lol)
20. Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstances.
Other than physically I don’t think I have had to renegotiate. So far anyway. There are days though where I am just way too ouchy for the hard/heavy stuff. Sir cares about that stuff so I don’t foresee an issue in the future.
21. Is there a physical position that makes you feel the most submissive?
When I think about this question my mind just runs through the whole gamit of positions he posed me in that day. The way he told me to stand, kneel, put my head and shoulders on the floor with my ass up. I think any positon he puts me in makes me feel submissive as the only reason I am standing, kneeling, laying is because he desires it. lovely.
22. Can you feel submissive without a Dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself?
I am submissive. This does not go away without a partner, but without a partner I cannot express it. And that is a terrible, antsy, edgy, unhappy feeling.
23. Is there anything about submission (yours or other people’s) that you dislike or repels you? Was there a time when you questioned or were resistant to your submissive feelings?
To each their own. There are lots of things that may repel me personally, but someone else’s desire to do those things doesn’t repel me.
There was a time I questioned why I was like this. Why I felt so good after a painful session, why I got so much pleasure out of being bound and used, subservient to another person. But now I do not. I have embraced and welcomed this side of myself and I couldn’t be happier.
24. What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings to they inspire?
I have written before about my need to have some “feels” for my partner. The more I feel, emotionally, towards them the deeper my devotion and submission. When like turns to love in the context of D/s it is a beautiful thing. I look forward to hopefully feel that way again one day.
25. Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? What is the special significance?
I have a preparation ritual of my own which helps me get in the right frame of mind, but nothing that has been requested of me yet (it’s still a bit early for that! lol). I do think about having some sort of physical representation of my D/s relationship, maybe a necklace or bracelet or something but again, I am a ways away from that right now, which is OK. But yes a reminder to look at and touch when apart from my Dom is a nice way to feel loved and connected.
26. What are the qualities you seek in a Dominant partner and why? Are some qualities “deal breakers” or “must haves”?
Must haves: Calmness, firmness, experience, respect, good communication, physical attraction and compatibility. Deal breakers are obvious: incompatibility, abuse, disrespect, disregard for my emotional or physical well-being, ignoring safewords or limits.
27. Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet been able to explore?
Probably, but right now I am more focused on learning Sir, what he likes, wants, needs, desires and just experiencing D/s through him and seeing where that takes me 🙂
28. Has your submission ever let you down? Do you have any regrets regarding your submission? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake? How do you handle these feelings?
I have most definitely made mistakes (read my Past Hurts post), but I can say that I learned from that experience and I try to focus on that, rather than the negative feelings I had/have about that relationship.
29. Is pain or humiliation (ie; spanking) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it, love it, hate but endure it?
Pain yes, to an extent. I like dancing right along the edge of my pain tolerance, where it feels like it might be too much but somehow it isn’t. And pain can certainly heighten my arousal, whether it’s from a flogging or from a good nipple pinching, I do like a side of pain with my pleasure 🙂
30. Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed do you think you could be happy and fulfilled in your life if you were never able to express that side of yourself again?
Right now I am in a rediscovery process so it is hard to say. My date with Sir left me simultaneously purring like a kitten full of satisfaction but also dying, starving for more. It has been hard to reign in my eagerness because I just want more and more and I want to learn and learn. Gotta work on my patience. LOL
OK well there you go, I thought this one was pretty decent actually (even if they did hide 2 or 3 questions in each question!). I think sometimes it is good to fill something like this out, even just for yourself. Now off to go tackle some vanilla life stuff!
I survived the first day of my crazy week and came out of it unscathed. I went into the office with a feeling of almost dread. I couldn’t figure it out. I knew today was going to be crazy busy and I will probably be dreaming of my computer tonight (and not the yummy stuff on my computer either ha!) but really, this was just my job. It’s not like I was facing torture or the firing squad. I had a meeting with my boss this afternoon, there is nothing unusual about this, we meet once a week and we have a fantastic relationship. But I was so anxious going into this meeting. Stupid really. And in the end it was unfounded as it was a great meeting of minds, I ended up having a really productive day all around and now my kids are tucked into bed, I have a glass of wine in hand and here I am, no worse for wear.
It’s funny how our minds can just get the better of us sometimes isn’t it?
Getting away from my brain is probably the number one thing I personally get out of submission (other than the satisfaction of pleasing him). I get a break. To many, this would be an odd way to relax. Get bound and flogged and ordered around you say? Well I say yes. Yes please. Pretty please with a cherry on top. Submission allows me to shut down all the noise, the chaos, the worries and cares and just…..be. And not only do I get to be but I get to be me. The true deep down me that I don’t have the luxury of being during my normal vanilla life. It wouldn’t do to be the submissive when I am dealing with VPs at my job or having to make decisions that impact people, or trying to wrangle my kids all over town to get them to playdates, or sports, or birthday parties etc. And honestly? All that power, control and authority is exhausting.
The more I explore the more I realize that all of our true, real deal Doms out there need a serious shout out. They never get to give up control. I know that they get something else entirely out of being Dominant, something that I honestly can’t begin to wrap my brain around (but oh thank god they do!) but it must be tiresome sometimes no?
Something I have been struggling with since my date with Sir is how…..selfish I feel. I will try to explain. In my last relationship I only felt like I was really pleasing him if I was doing something I didn’t enjoy. In fact, I almost came to enjoy certain things for the sole reason that I knew that if I could do it, he would be pleased. I am not talking about pushing boundaries or striving to do more, but things that I felt….ashamed of almost. Things that didn’t sit well with me, deep down. It wasn’t all bad of course, and when times were good I enjoyed a lot, but that wasn’t always the case.
With Sir, I enjoyed every last freaking second of it, from beginning to end. And I know that he will continue to up the ante and challenge me as we played so well within my parameters so to speak and were more just getting a feel (no pun intended haha) for eachother. But I LOVED it. I loved it so much that I feel, well, selfish. I plan on broaching this subject with him when I see him next, and my worries are most likely unfounded as Sir really did enjoy himself he says, and I let him take the reigns so I can’t imagine he would spend the evening playing at things he didn’t like, but it has me wondering. Don’t get me wrong, due to my shyness, there was times when I was extremely shy and/or nervous and I pushed myself to just obey without question, and I made a few small requests of my own about certain things that he says I will not be allowed to request next time (nothing on my limit list don’t worry, more to compensate for some insecurities) so in that way I guess I did push myself for him, but god I still felt so pampered and spoiled that day. Maybe this is just because this style of Domination is so new to me? I never knew it could be like that.
But I am craving a bit more of a challenge next time, and hopefully some take home visual reminders 😉 I may set the parameters but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy dancing along the edges of those parameters and maybe even taking a quick step or 2 outside them sometimes. And Sir texted me saying if I could hang in there through my stressful week he would see to some stress relief for me this weekend hehe 🙂
Anyway, just some Monday musings.
Sometimes I feel like submission is an addiction. Or maybe it’s Dominance I am addicted to? Either way. I….crave.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my vanilla life. I love my family. I (mostly) love my job (although not lately), I love my home, I love that I got to spend some time in the sun today. I even love grocery shopping, because seeing my fridge bursting with fresh and delicious food makes me grateful that we have the means to provide for our family. And it’s “clean sheets day”. I loooove clean sheets day. But none of this changes the fact that there is a part of myself, a big part, an important part, that is hidden, locked away for weeks at a time, unaddressed and wanting.
I am not complaining. Truly. I just….want. I crave. I want to sit at my Dom’s feet with a glass of wine and just lean in, wrap arms around his leg and feel his hand on my hair. It is a craving that is visceral. I can taste it. I know it will come. I know that is out there for me, hopefully very close. But sometimes with a little girl petulance I want it right NOW!
I have this intense desire to learn what pleases him, the just so way he likes things, I want to learn and learn and learn until my head is bursting with new things. I feel like a kid in a candy store and a million dollars in my pocket. I just want to try everything. I want to experience any and everything he has up his sleeves.
Sir says he is looking forward to trying some new things (for me anyway lol) on our next date. To say I am also looking forward to that would be a colossal understatement. I just can’t believe my luck to have found someone so compatible so soon, I know some people wait years. So I am excited to explore all that I can. But, I’ll admit I am feeling a little….impatient.
I hate feeling impatient. I do not believe it is a good quality in a submissive to be honest. I know that I should be focused on his needs, and I swear, I am. I just wish I could focus on his needs a bit sooner! LOL
Ah well. I shall reign it in and put my big girl panties on, get on with what I expect will be a hellish week at work and look forward to my date. 6 days and counting! (and after last week and this week coming I really hope Sir has a craving to administer some serious spanking, because this subbie really really needs one)
I am having an off day today.
No one big thing so much as an accumulation of a bunch of little things.
My job is really stressing me out right now. The project I am heading up at the moment is seriously too big for one person to manage but there is only me and I am feeling seriously overwhelmed.
I am ovulating I think which is making me incredibly horny with no way to get the serious fucking I need.
Sir is super busy, I don’t get to see him until next weekend (don’t be needy, don’t be needy) so my subbie is stamping her foot impatiently. She can be like that sometimes on the inside lol. But the little tiny worry of does he really have time for me? For this? has been rearing it’s ugly head. It will pass as it always does but argh. I am…….I don’t know what.
I have a busy weekend ahead, some of which is fun (shopping yay!) and some of it just plain dull (laundry boooo) but as always I wonder when I will have some time for myself? I feel like I have one big itch I can’t scratch and I don’t know where it is or what to do about it.
Just venting. pfft.