Time.

You say you want to hear all my thoughts.

But you won’t make time to hear them.

When do you stop being patient and just say “fuck you”?

Cause I’m there.  I am right there.

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Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written.  No particular reason, just super busy with normal vanilla life type stuff.

I have been a bit of a basket case this last 4 or 5 days.  Again, no particular reason although I am expecting my period this week so that most likely has something to do with it.  I tend to get even more overly emotional than usual around this time of the month, I just have a more difficult time handling and filtering my stress and I feel all gross and bloated and back painy and well, you get the idea.  No fun to be around basically.  My poor hubby, he puts up with a lot lol.

Sir has been out of town for a bit so there were a few days of zero contact, which is fine, he did send a nice text before he left and one upon his return with I thought was nice.

I find myself getting into a bit of an unhealthy pattern though that I need to break ASAP.  I absolutely love our play sessions together, the play itself, the closeness afterwards, admiring the marks on my body for a few days (I still have a few a week later!) but inevitably after the glow fades I come back to the reality that I really still have no idea where I stand.  I know he is wanting to see me more, he has said so clearly.  And I can’t imagine that he would be sending me a sweet text every morning if he wasn’t interested.  Very likely all this is just in my head.  But we don’t get a chance to just, you know, talk.  Every time I see him I am naked in seconds and so distracted by by reactions to him that next thing I know we are knee deep in play time and after play I can barely string together a sentence, let alone have a serious conversation.

Sir is terrible at texting.  I know this so usually I don’t get too bent out of shape when occasionally he doesn’t reply for a few hours.  I get it, people get busy, they have work or life needs that need addressing first sometimes.  But sometimes I can’t help but feel a bit hurt when I ask a specific question or express a concern and hours upon hours later there hasn’t been a reply.

Today for example, I asked if he would like to go for coffee tomorrow on my lunch break from work.  I have a flexible schedule so I don’t have to go or be back from lunch at specific times, as long as I don’t spend all day away I am generally trusted to get my work done.  I know Sir has the week off work so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to spend an hour with no chance of playing so that we could just chat and get to know each other outside of D/s a bit more.

It’s been almost 7 hours now and no reply.  Not even a “hey let me get back to you on that” which I would have been totally fine with.  Generally speaking I am pretty easy going.  If you are busy no worries!  I am not in a rush, nor do I expect you to drop everything to see me.  But surely, in the space of 7 hours you could take 30 seconds to shoot me a quick text message?  Am I being unreasonable?

Ugh.  I just feel really frustrated and to be honest, a little un-valued.  I cannot do this casual submission thing.  In my opinion, casual playing is NOT D/s, it’s just kink.  D/s indicates a relationship of some sort.  And while I am remaining very open minded as to how that relationship could be defined I am not content or fulfilled by casual play.  I need more.  Not a lot more, but more.

Our last date I felt so good about.  He is a very self contained person, so it was extremely gratifying to see him relax and become a bit more playful with me.  I just am feeling so confused.  Why go out of your way to say good morning and send x’s and o’s to someone if you are not interested in spending time with them?  Am I just being kept on retainer for a rainy day?

I don’t know how to address how I am feeling.  I am not even sure how I am feeling.  I am not looking for any specific commitment, or exclusivity or anything like that, but even if we are only friends – friends hang out sometimes right!?  I know he has been super busy, and I know it’s not been bullshit busy, he has been for real crazy busy.  So I am trying to be patient and cut him some slack.  I’d write him another email, but he hasn’t even really addressed the first one I wrote and if I can’t pin him down long enough to grab a coffee then I am seriously wondering if I am just wasting my time?  I don’t need to “define” our relationship I just want to know that he cares and that I am not an after thought.  I am getting hugely mixed signals from him.  And mostly I am just really disappointed.  I never in a million years thought he would be inconsiderate, but I am feeling really unimportant right about now.

He says he can’t wait to see me again, but am I to just be content with waiting around until he decides that I am worth the time?  Am I just being ridiculous?

Fuck.

Advice: Talk about this shit BEFORE you get involved. Not just hard limits and kinks list.  Talk about what you need as well. I didn’t and now I have no one to blame but myself here.  Now I just don’t know how to fix it without coming across as a crazy person.

And of course, all of this could just be the fact that I am expecting my period and therefore pretty much hate everything and take everything way too personally.

Yeah, that’s probably it.

Rope

I think I might be in love.  With rope.

Bondage is one of my most favorite kinks, in fact, the more bound I am the calmer and freer I feel.  Go figure huh?  I think because I am naturally really shy by nature, being bound and blindfolded allows my brain to just shut off and I can be free to just feel, experience and react however feels right at the time.  I don’t have the luxury of deciding anything – I just have to take it, cause hey I’m all tied up and can’t go anywhere! LOL  Hmmm, also one of the reasons I enjoy submission as well.  I don’t have to think, to choose, to decide.  I just have to be.  And in being, I please him and that is a wonderful feeling.

But where was I….oh yes. Rope.

Rope is something I had never ever experienced before (although Sir seems to be taking me through the gamit of first time experiences because for real, it’s all pretty much been new.  Pretty awesome if you consider that I am almost 5 years down this rabbit hole of D/s & BDSM. I never even realized just how much I hadn’t experienced, let alone what I would enjoy).

Usually, when Sir binds me to the bed, it is by way of cuffs on my wrists and ankles.  This time, he used rope.  I don’t know why, perhaps just to test out my reaction to rope.  And it wasn’t just tie a knot around her ankle and tie that to the bed frame either.  I couldn’t see, but I could feel the rope sliding back and forth across my skin as he expertly and patiently rigged it around one ankle at a time, then again on my wrists.  It was unforgiving, but comfortable.  But the whole time I found myself paying very close attention.  I was utterly captivated by how it felt sliding across my skin, trying to visualize the knot he was crafting, noticing how it felt as it tightened.

I’ve read about some people who slip into subspace just from intense rope work.  I was never able to understand, but I think I have a better idea now.  I of course didn’t hit subspace from this little bit of tying up but I felt myself….relax.  Almost like I was sinking into it.  I was zoning out.  I fucking loved it.  Who knew!?  It’s so interesting how something that would have no affect on one person could turn into total kinky love for another.  Ah I love this lifestyle 🙂

I confessed to Sir today that I absolutely loved the rope.  He said there would be more in the future for me.  Happy happy subbie.  I can’t help but wonder how it would feel to be totally tied up in rope, going through the lengthy process of being bound that way.  My interest is totally piqued.

I have recognized a slight pattern in how Sir works, each time he does something for the first time with me he introduces it gently, but enough that he can clearly gauge my reaction to it.  Then the next time he wants to delve into that he ups the ante.  Spanking for instance.  The first time, it was just enough to leave my butt red for a couple of hours.  No bruising or welts.  The next time it was much more intense, and most recently very intense – I am still sporting some significant marks, lines and a few dark purple bruises from butt cheeks to the bottoms of the back of my thighs.   I think I would have hit subspace this last time if I had been allowed to.  I clearly remember getting to the point on more than one occasion that it felt like too much and my safe word was swishing around in my mouth when something would click in my mind, and while the sensation didn’t necessarily change, my involuntary reactions to it would and I would start relaxing deeply.  Then, every time at that moment, Sir would switch up the implements and it would start all over again.  At the time I found it a bit frustrating lol, but in hindsight it was most likely intentional on his end as we could only play for a set period of time as he had to go out at a certain time and me sliding into subspace wouldn’t be good knowing I had to leave in an hour or two.  I am recognizing that all the times I thought I hit subspace before, with my ex, really wasn’t it.  It was the beginning maybe, where your pain tolerance increases a little bit and you start to feel a bit dopey, but I know it can be so much more.  I think it probably a bit early for me to be able to let go enough with Sir to go there, but you never know.  I absolutely trust him.

Anyhow lovely blogging friends, what are your thoughts on rope?  Love it? Hate it?  I would love to hear about your experiences! I hope to be able to write more about mine soon!

Wearing Your Marks

Because I don’t get to see Sir very frequently (right now we are averaging every other week or so) it leaves me a lot of time to think.  I haven’t decided if this is good or bad lol but it is what it is.  I am truly happy at how much I am learning about myself since meeting him though.  I know that being a Dom must be a lot of work, but it seems so effortless to him in the moment.  That inner confidence that radiates from him, the way he is able to express his desires with a word, a whisper.  It makes me respond instantly.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is why having marks, bruises, welts, whatever is so special to me.  So important.

There’s the obvious that it serves as a lovely reminder of our time together.  And it does – every time I sat down today I was instantly taken back to that time when I was squirming under his hands/paddles/cane.  It makes it a bit hard to concentrate to be honest, but it is so so worth the distraction lol.  (and the masochist in me enjoys the little shivers of discomfort)

But it is more than that for me.  There is something so incredibly intimate about wearing the mark of someone.  It stays with me for days, a mark of being claimed, a reminder of how he took his pleasure from my body, a mark of my submission.  It centers me, calms me, makes me feel…….right.  Grounded.  It brings me back not just to the acts of that day but to the intimacy shared.  The power exchanged.  The trust I placed in his hands that day.  The fact that I am still feeling discomfort makes me feel as though I continue to submit and endure for him even though we are apart.  I hold onto that.

I have been working up the courage to ask if Sir would be interested in finding a way to help me feel as though I am submitting to him during the times between dates when I can’t see him.  I feel submissive to him, but without a way to express that I feel a bit lost.  Like I am hungry but with no food.  A dog without a bone, so to speak.  I don’t like how that feels.  Maybe a small daily task or something would help be feel calmer in between.  Anyone else feel this way?  What did you do to help that?

Sir is about to become really super busy over the next 6 weeks or so due to personal and family obligations, he seems confident that we can fit in a few dates, but it won’t be often and I think having a way to feel like I am still submitting to him will help me stay grounded in the interim. I dunno.  I am not sure still where his thoughts are so I don’t know what he would think of that.

But for now, for this week anyway, my butt and the backs of my thighs are feeling it so this subbie is content for now 🙂

Hot Red Ass

That’s a descriptive title right there.  In fact, it describes my ass perfectly lol.  Red, and hot (I mean warm, not sexy – although the men in my life would say both, bless them 😉 ) And marked up to high heaven from the cheeks to the backs of my knees and everywhere in between.

I was so crazy worried that I had put Sir off with my email last week.  Worried for nothing if my ass is any indication.  It’s going to be black and blue tomorrow (yay!).  His hands, the strap, paddles, some other unbelievably ouchie thing that had me crying out and squirming all over the place and then finally, the cane. Almost an hour of that and no doubt I will be feeling it tomorrow.  Right now everything just feels damn awesome lol.  But sitting should be interesting tomorrow.  It was basically everything I needed and more.  Right down to the grabbing my jaw and kissing me.  WE weren’t kissing.  HE was kissing me. Demanding. His way.  It was pretty knee-melty.

I also got to hear him really truly laugh for the first time today, he was more playful than usual.  All in all a really good couple of hours.  I wish I could have stayed longer, but life, ya know?  We all gotta be somewhere.  Sigh.  But (after the relentless beating my ass took) he was so gentle, so affectionate and snuggly.  I think it’s all going to work out.

My coffee date with Lisa on the weekend went really well too.  I actually really like her, we have a lot in common (besides our taste in Doms, haha) and I had a lovely time. It was nice to be able to open up about some of my past experiences. It was also great to be able to ask her some personal questions about how she truly feels about me and if I were to develop a relationship with Sir beyond play partners.  She seems pretty ok with everything so that was a weight off my chest. She says that the parameters of my relationship with Sir are for me and him to work out and that as long as she remains cared for she is happy. The last thing I want is to be the stressor in someone’s relationship.

I also got to hear Sir’s rather evil chuckle today as he forced orgasm after orgasm out of me and I was desperate to get away because holy fuck – way too sensitive!  Of course, tied up I wasn’t going to go anywhere which apparently made him quite delighted.  And clearly my body betrayed me, multiple times. Traitor. Unholy painful orgasms.  Cripes.

But it was his whispered “you are such a good girl, you did sooooo well” as we were having snuggly aftercare that made me just want to crawl into his body and live there.

It will be at least a couple of weeks before I can see him again, damn crazy schedules, but I’ll hold onto that good girl and take some pics of my pretty welts and bruises to hold onto until then. 🙂

Coffee Date

Still waiting.  But that’s ok.  Mostly anyway.  I would much rather he take his time to seriously respond to my questions.  I knew he was super busy this week and weekend when I sent the email so now I must be patient.  Something we all know I am NOT good at.  Perhaps this is a lesson in patience.  Lord knows I need one lol.

He did send me a nice text wishing me a wonderful day though so I have to hope that if everything was over he wouldn’t bother.  Maybe that’s just wishful thinking but I don’t think so.  I hope not anyway.  I like to think I explained myself rationally and was very clear that I was not asking for anything other than some clarity so hopefully all is well.  Guess I will just have to wait and see!

In other news, me and his other…..lady friend? (not sure still how they define their relationship, I know she is submissive to him but not sure of the depth of that) have made plans the two of us to go for coffee this weekend. For the sake of this blog I am going to call her Lisa. (This is not her real name but I would never ever out someone’s identity here, especially as this is my private place that no one knows about in my “real” life)  I think it will be good for us to get to know each other more, especially since I would ideally like to approach this whole thing from a poly standpoint, whether that plays out in a “V” or triad type configuration I am not sure of yet but I am potentially open to either.  And I think us getting to know each other can help combat any feelings of being threatened by the other woman.  We can make it clear what we each need from the other to feel safe and secure.  Of course it’s all moot if Sir is not on the same page, but I will cross that bridge if that bridge is in the future.  In the meantime it will be nice to have another submissive as a friend, someone I don’t need to hide that side of myself from.  But I’d be lying if I don’t hope to discover a bit of where I stand, even if it is just from her standpoint.  As far as I am concerned, Lisa’s opinion matters too since she is part of this and her and Sir have a relationship, however they define it.  It matters to me because I want to make this work.  But I don’t want to be the second, “just for fun hey lets have a threesome sometimes” girl.  I want to be important too.  I may be in an open-marriage but this will be my first foray into a poly relationship so I don’t know how it will all play out.

My BFF as I posted in my “Friendship” post knows I am a sub but she herself can’t fully empathize (although she enjoys playing a sub role in the bedroom from time to time, she doesn’t identify as submissive. which is cool, it just means she can’t fully understand it from a psychological or emotional standpoint).  So I am excited at the thought of making a friend who “get’s it”.

Anyway that’s about it for me today, nothing too exciting I’m afraid.  With my playdates with Sir so spread out I don’t have too many juicy details to discuss.  Although I will say that I still have some lovely marks on my bum from our last time together.  Yum.  Sad though though that they are fading 😦   Hopefully I will get a new set of marks and bruises soon!

Wishes and Wants

I want to be on my knees before you.

I want you to grab my chin and tilt my head for a kiss.

I want to be bound any way you desire for your use.

I want to follow your instructions to a T.

I want you to spank me, flog me, whip me, cane me.

I want to writhe and cry out.  Shudder and moan.

I want to be open and displayed for you.

I want to feel helpless and vulnerable.

I want to feel you inside me, taking me, in any and every hole you desire.

I want to feel like I can’t take anymore and then…take more.

I want to hear a whispered “good girl” in my ear.

I want to obey and submit. Again and again.  Until I am exhausted and cannot speak.

I want to kneel at your feet and lay my head in your lap in silence.

I want to give and give some more.