So I have been doing a lot of thinking this past couple of days. A self professed over-thinker this comes as no surprise, but in light of Sir and I’s upcoming conversation I knew that some delving into myself and trying to figure out what it is that I really want was necessary.
A few things I have discovered. One, I have been in the throes of sub-frenzy! Yup, there I said it. I hate admitting that! I have to apologize right now to anyone who has ever experienced sub frenzy before. Historically whenever I heard this term I kind of scoffed to myself. I always assumed that me, being the mature together woman that I am that it simply indicated a lack of self-control. That it would never be an issue with me because I was a grown ass woman for crying out loud! But alas, here I am. Knowing that this is likely what I have been experiencing though has put perspective on everything and has allowed me to relax now and I feel much more clear headed.
The one thing I miss with my ex is the passion. That all consuming crazy animal like passion we had for each other. Now, I would never ever go back to that because that passion came along with so many damaging elements that I can’t imagine willingly going back to but I do miss it.
BUT. What I failed to realize, is that despite the fact that Sir and I do not have a romantic relationship, when we are playing there IS passion. There is connection, and energy, synergy, lust and desire. It’s different, Sir is more controlled and deliberate than my ex, but it is definitely there. I can feel it in the way he kisses me – you can’t fake a good kiss people.
I also realized that everything I “need” from this relationship can, indeed, be found within the dynamic between two close friends who trust, like and care for each other. The fact is, Sir has a primary relationship. I also have a primary relationship. This is not going to change, and I don’t want it to. So by keeping the “romance” out of the equation it provides a fun and less….messy way of connecting with someone in that way.
When I wrote to Sir stating that I needed a D/s relationship he, understandably, interpreted that as me wanting a romantic one. Maybe for a second I thought I did, but I know now that was sub frenzy talking. I wanted it ALL! Right now! Now! But after reflecting for a bit I realize that all I really want or need is to feel affection, caring, respect, and a general enjoyment of each other’s company. Sound’s a lot like good friends, doesn’t it? Yes it does.
So yes, I do need a bit more one on one vanilla time, especially after a play session, to help me transition better back into “real” life and to ensure I feel valued as a person and not just for play – which I plan on letting him know that when we sit down and talk next week, but other than that I think he is perfectly capable of giving me what I need – in fact, I think he has been already, I was just too frantic to notice.
I also realized that what labels he chooses to put on our dynamic doesn’t really matter. I don’t plan on submitting to another man other than him, I just don’t roll that way personally, so as long as he understands that then I don’t care if he sees me as his “official” sub or not. He is my Dom. To me. In my mind. And outside of that we will be close friends who understand each other and relate to one another in a special and intimate way. More than “friends with benefits” but not significant others.
In other news, I am craving a spanking (and impact play in general) something fierce. I really need that pain, that pushing me right up against my limits to help me feel sated, centered and calm. Balanced. It has been way too long – 2 weeks without really is my limit, after which I start feeling really edgy and squirrly. So That might have been adding to my general moodiness as well. It’s another thing I will be bringing up in our conversation. If I am feeling sub droppy or really edgy and needy for some play how do I approach him about that? How can I do it in a way that let’s him know how I am feeling without being pushy or demanding?
This conversation will be super tough for this super shy girl here but so necessary, and to be honest I am already feeling more relaxed just knowing that very soon we will have everything out on the table and can go from there.
Anyway that is all the introspection I have in me for now! Hope all you lovely Bloggers are having a wonderful day! xx