I’m sitting in the dark alone. Not to worry my friends, I actually enjoy the dark and the quiet because – introvert. LOL. Family is asleep, I’ve got too much on my mind. I had to work this morning which didn’t help. Luckily it was only for a few hours – I don’t usually work on the weekends. Maybe it did help, I went back and forth between being so distracted with wondering what he is thinking to having to be so focused on work that I didn’t have room in my brain for anything else.
He is away this weekend. So I knew I most likely would not get a response until he returns. He is very much the type of person who puts a great deal of thought into every word he writes and if he can’t do that he simply won’t respond until he can. I know this. I knew that I wouldn’t hear from him until after the weekend. But it still really fucking hurts that I poured my frustration, needs…..my fucking heart into that message and……nothing. Maybe that answers all my questions right there?
After dinner the other night he hugged me and didn’t seem to want to let go. Because I felt so uncomfortable with things at dinner (no you aren’t missing anything – I haven’t written about that yet, mostly because I feel like it would be airing other people’s laundry and despite my venting publicly via blog I do have a strong sense of privacy) I pulled away from him well before he was letting me go and I pretty much just high tailed it out of there. Mostly because I was spitting mad and didn’t want to show the volcano side of me to show just quite yet. LOL
Basically all I said in my message was how much I have enjoyed our time spent together, that while I know we are still in the getting to know each other stage (although. does anyone ever really truly leave that stage?) and I would hate for that to end, but for me, I need the relationship part of D/s, not only the kink part and if he couldn’t see potential for a bit more of a relationship in the future then I didn’t think me continuing to see him was a good idea. That’s not crazy, right? I just want to know that I am valued, important and that he is willing to see where this might go. But if he cannot or will not be open to that possibility then I am only setting myself up for heartbreak down the road.
It would just be such a damn shame to throw this all away because we didn’t lay out our individual expectations and needs in the beginning. My advice to anyone starting a D/s relationship? Don’t stick to just negotiating your limits, kinks and safewords. You need to also discuss what the other person wants/needs/hopes for during the times you are not playing as well. Because it is those times, the times between that make or break a D/s relationship. In my opinion. It is those times – that can make you feel the difference between being used and being treasured. The difference between being important and being convenient.
In the playroom with Sir it’s……magic. It’s perfect. The energy, the submission he can evoke from me, the dynamic we have. It’s exactly what I want in every possible way. But outside of the playroom I have no fucking clue what’s going on.
All I want right now is a conversation. I just want him to be open enough to want to at least sit down and discuss what the other person wants/needs/hopes for out of this. What we are willing to do, or compromise on. Maybe that conversation results in us deciding our needs are not compatible and I am fully prepared (hell, I am totally, unfortunately, expecting that) but we may just find out that we are so off base with each other after all.
Is that too much to ask?
I imagine I will fine out in a day or so when (if) I hear from him.
My dear dear bloggers – please put in a good word for me with the universe. I really really need it.