Hot Red Ass

That’s a descriptive title right there.  In fact, it describes my ass perfectly lol.  Red, and hot (I mean warm, not sexy – although the men in my life would say both, bless them 😉 ) And marked up to high heaven from the cheeks to the backs of my knees and everywhere in between.

I was so crazy worried that I had put Sir off with my email last week.  Worried for nothing if my ass is any indication.  It’s going to be black and blue tomorrow (yay!).  His hands, the strap, paddles, some other unbelievably ouchie thing that had me crying out and squirming all over the place and then finally, the cane. Almost an hour of that and no doubt I will be feeling it tomorrow.  Right now everything just feels damn awesome lol.  But sitting should be interesting tomorrow.  It was basically everything I needed and more.  Right down to the grabbing my jaw and kissing me.  WE weren’t kissing.  HE was kissing me. Demanding. His way.  It was pretty knee-melty.

I also got to hear him really truly laugh for the first time today, he was more playful than usual.  All in all a really good couple of hours.  I wish I could have stayed longer, but life, ya know?  We all gotta be somewhere.  Sigh.  But (after the relentless beating my ass took) he was so gentle, so affectionate and snuggly.  I think it’s all going to work out.

My coffee date with Lisa on the weekend went really well too.  I actually really like her, we have a lot in common (besides our taste in Doms, haha) and I had a lovely time. It was nice to be able to open up about some of my past experiences. It was also great to be able to ask her some personal questions about how she truly feels about me and if I were to develop a relationship with Sir beyond play partners.  She seems pretty ok with everything so that was a weight off my chest. She says that the parameters of my relationship with Sir are for me and him to work out and that as long as she remains cared for she is happy. The last thing I want is to be the stressor in someone’s relationship.

I also got to hear Sir’s rather evil chuckle today as he forced orgasm after orgasm out of me and I was desperate to get away because holy fuck – way too sensitive!  Of course, tied up I wasn’t going to go anywhere which apparently made him quite delighted.  And clearly my body betrayed me, multiple times. Traitor. Unholy painful orgasms.  Cripes.

But it was his whispered “you are such a good girl, you did sooooo well” as we were having snuggly aftercare that made me just want to crawl into his body and live there.

It will be at least a couple of weeks before I can see him again, damn crazy schedules, but I’ll hold onto that good girl and take some pics of my pretty welts and bruises to hold onto until then. 🙂

Wishes and Wants

I want to be on my knees before you.

I want you to grab my chin and tilt my head for a kiss.

I want to be bound any way you desire for your use.

I want to follow your instructions to a T.

I want you to spank me, flog me, whip me, cane me.

I want to writhe and cry out.  Shudder and moan.

I want to be open and displayed for you.

I want to feel helpless and vulnerable.

I want to feel you inside me, taking me, in any and every hole you desire.

I want to feel like I can’t take anymore and then…take more.

I want to hear a whispered “good girl” in my ear.

I want to obey and submit. Again and again.  Until I am exhausted and cannot speak.

I want to kneel at your feet and lay my head in your lap in silence.

I want to give and give some more.

Hungry

So until my ex I was never a girl who swallowed.  I didn’t find it degrading or anything like so many people I know do, I just didn’t enjoy it.

It was one of the things I did enjoy with the ex and I craved it.  The feeling of having a piece of that person still inside me long after he left was lovely.  I want that feeling.

I have never wanted a man to cum inside my mouth as much as I do Sir.  I don’t know what it is, but I really, truly, love his cock.  I feel so wanton even just saying that, but it’s true.  It’s smooth and it smells good and it tastes even better.  He really does smell amazing.  I am big on that.  I love a man who smells good.  Not covered in cologne good but just clean man smell. Yum.  Double yum.  Anyway, I digress.

I want his cum.

Yup, that’s about it.  Every time he pushes himself past my lips I am lost in pleasuring him.  I love it because it is so submissive, even if it’s not particularly kinky.  Because I mean really, unless you have a specific cock fetish, which I don’t, the only actual pleasure I get out of having his cock in my mouth is HIS pleasure.  I mean yes, being on my knees, hands behind my back, head in his grasp does all the yummy fluttery things to my inner subbie, but the actual act itself is all about him.  And. I. Love. That.  And I think the ultimate reward for me would be to pleasure him so greatly that he climaxes right there and then.  Anyone else feel this way?

He hasn’t yet cum in my mouth, not because he can’t I am sure, but because he has chosen to do so elsewhere (aka my ass) and I know he loves that, usually because I can’t seem to go more than 10 minutes without cumming myself and he says it feels amazing.  But I would love to be able to take a part of him inside me and keep it there for a little while.

And on the topic of orgasm, I am not kidding – I seriously can not stop cumming around this guy.  I have come in brand new ways I didn’t even know was possible.  One after another.  It seems as though once I have that first orgasm, I will literally have one every 10 minutes after that, no matter what he is doing.  I always ask permission and he has always granted it, but I imagine one day he will say no, to wait, and I have no idea how I am going to do that, or even if I can.

Orgasms orgasms everywhere, every way.  Most impressive is the literal mind-gasm I get from submitting.  From not knowing what is happening next when we are playing. Sigh.  I’m horny. Hungry. For him.

30 Days Of Submission

OK so here goes another one!  I was struggling with what to write today.  I am trying to post daily, it is a great way to purge my mind, even if some of my thoughts are repetitive or rambling.  This is my journal.  So anyway, I was struggling with what to write today when I came across another “30 Days Of” quiz/meme.  I like to do these all at once, like I have said before once I start a quiz I have to finish it, I am not nearly patient enough to take 30 days!

1. Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? (ie; submissive/bottom/slave/pet/little/masochist) 

Firstly, I should point out that I am not a fan of labels.  Rarely is there a one size fits all for anything in life, most especially this.  But if I had to choose, I would say “submissive” as that is how I identify.  Are there elements of others in my submission? Absolutely, but ultimately I submit.  Therefore I am submissive.  In the way that makes sense for me personally.

2. Describe who you might submit to and how.  (ie; exclusively in the bedroom, 24/7, sexual, service).  Are you submissive only in the context or a scene or throughout your daily life?  Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Generally speaking I am submissive in the context of a scene, although it does bleed over a bit (ie; calling Sir, Sir, during the day via text or just in normal conversation).  But I do not live 24/7, not that I am opposed to that, but given my open-relationship status with hubby it isn’t very realistic.

I guess things can start out as play-partners, but I think I would only submit to a man that I could see myself developing a more serious D/s relationship with.  I wouldn’t be able to just walk into the local dungeon and submit to someone.  Nothing wring with it, I just need the feels too. 🙂

3. How do you know you are submissive?  How do you feel when you express your submission?

I am not sure I know how to answer this.  How do you know you are straight or gay?  I just….do?  Beginning with submissive fantasies and then onto experimenting that confirmed yes, it does indeed make me happy!

4. Do you switch into a Dominant role at any time? Are you a “switch”?  Have you ever thought about it?

No I don’t.  It just isn’t in my nature at all.  Even the thought of say, flogging someone has me feeling……weird.  I don’t think I could do it.  Now I haven’t ever tried, but to be honest, I have zero desire to.

5. Have you ever been in a D/s relationship before or is this new to you?  Have you been in more than one?  How do they compare?  What is unique about your relationship in your mind?

Yes/no.  I thought I was in one, but have realized it was not really D/s after all.  Compared to my small experience so far with Sir?  No comparison.  Two completely different planets.  After experiencing what I have so far with Sir I wouldn’t go back to my previous experience if you offered me anything.

6. What do you feel are the roots of your submission? 

I don’t know.  I know what it does for me now: an extreme sense of satisfaction for pleasing my Dom, peace, clarity of mind, relaxation, stress relief, it even helps with my Fibromyalgia pain.  But where it all stems from?  No clue.  There was a time when I wanted to know this, but now?  I don’t care.  I embrace it.

7. Do you accept/expect discipline/punishment as a part of your submission?

Yes, if I screw up I want to know.  I want to know I am cared about enough to be corrected.  Lovingly, not cruelly.  But I am a good girl so this isn’t a huge thing so far 😉

8. Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission?  Why or why not?

Spanking/impact play yes absolutely.  A huge part.  But not as punishment, just as…yum.

9. Do you accept/expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission?  How do you feel about them?

I think there is an element of this in all D/s relationships.  You as the sub set the basic parameters (ie; hard limits) and the Dom sets the tone within those.  Just my opinion.

10. Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your D/s relationship?  How do you feel about that?  If so, is it a core to your submission or on the peripheral or non-existent?

It is a huge part of my submission yes. Bondage, for instance, ironically calms me down, blindfolds help me feel less shy, pain intensifies my pleasure and my feelings of submission.  I don’t believe BDSM has to be a part of a D/s dynamic (although I think it commonly is) but it is 100% for me.

11. Do you include service as a part of your submission?  What does service mean to you?

I think I am a bit unclear of what “service” relates to.  Being submissive by mopping your floors?  No thanks lol.  I am happy to lend a helping hand, but I wouldn’t personally get much out of that type of dynamic.  But I do love servicing the person that is my Dom.  Giving massages for example after he has had a long day.  That I love to do.

12. Do you include financial submission within the definition of you submission?  If so, what does this mean to you?

Nope, nope and nope.

13. Is sexual availability (being available sexually for your partner any time they desire) part of your submission? Why or why not?  Are there limits to this?

Yes, in the way that, at any point during play if he wants inside me then he gets inside me.  I would also be totally fine with being available any other time, only limits would be dependant on my vanilla life: kids, hubby etc.

14. Does your religious beliefs influence your submission in any way?  If so, explain.

No.  I am not religious although I do consider myself spiritual, I don’t believe in a God.  But either way, religion doesn’t factor in.

15. Has your submission evolved over time?  If so, how?  If not (or if you are just starting out) how do you see it evolving over time?

Yes it has evolved in a couple of ways.

1.  I have a much better idea of what I like/don’t like, what I want/don’t want and what I am looking for in a Dom.

2. I am very at ease and comfortable with this side of myself.  I have no shame about being submissive.  I had much more conflicting feelings about that years ago when I first started exploring.

16. Have you found your submission has changed with different partners?  If you are involved with partners of different genders does their gender affect your submission?

I think my submission is a core part of myself.  That doesn’t change depending on the partner.  How much of that side of myself I give, or the activities involved definitely do depend on my partner though.

17. What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Everything.  And I have learned that it is not just the obvious physical trust you must have with a partner (ie; not to get murdered while in bondage) but for me, the emotional trust is key as well.  I am an emotional being and my submission centers on that a lot.  I need to trust that I am valued, respected and important to someone. Genuinely cared for.

18. How does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires/needs?

It’s huge obviously, or it should be.  I am not the best communicator.  My mouth doesn’t always want to cooperate with my brain and things just don’t come out the way I want them too.  Being shy also gets in the way of communication although I am getting better at having the frank conversations about stuff, it is by no means easy.  I articulate better in written form, which isn’t very practical in real life! LOL

I communicate my needs/desires by simply stating them, right off the bat in the beginning.  Post play conversations are a good time too if there way something I really didn’t enjoy.  But as I have discovered with Sir, my vocal noises, body language (and let’s not forget my multiple orgasms!) communicate with him the whole time too LOL.

19. How socially connected is your submission?  Do you look for others to talk about this aspect of your life or for networking? Do you ever go to events or connect in any other way either in person or online?

Other than this blog and fetlife I am not very “public”.  I would like to attend some events, but not until things have progressed with Sir (if they do) and I have my Dom to go with (and hide behind! lol)

20. Has your submission increased or decreased over time?  Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstances.

Other than physically I don’t think I have had to renegotiate.  So far anyway.  There are days though where I am just way too ouchy for the hard/heavy stuff.  Sir cares about that stuff so I don’t foresee an issue in the future.

21. Is there a physical position that makes you feel the most submissive?

When I think about this question my mind just runs through the whole gamit of positions he posed me in that day.  The way he told me to stand, kneel, put my head and shoulders on the floor with my ass up.  I think any positon he puts me in makes me feel submissive as the only reason I am standing, kneeling, laying is because he desires it.  lovely.

22. Can you feel submissive without a Dominant partner?  If so, how does your submission express itself?

I am submissive.  This does not go away without a partner, but without a partner I cannot express it.  And that is a terrible, antsy, edgy, unhappy feeling.

23. Is there anything about submission (yours or other people’s) that you dislike or repels you?  Was there a time when you questioned or were resistant to your submissive feelings?

To each their own.  There are lots of things that may repel me personally, but someone else’s desire to do those things doesn’t repel me.

There was a time I questioned why I was like this.  Why I felt so good after a painful session, why I got so much pleasure out of being bound and used, subservient to another person.  But now I do not.  I have embraced and welcomed this side of myself and I couldn’t be happier.

24. What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission?  What feelings to they inspire?

I have written before about my need to have some “feels” for my partner.  The more I feel, emotionally, towards them the deeper my devotion and submission.  When like turns to love in the context of D/s it is a beautiful thing.  I look forward to hopefully feel that way again one day.

25. Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission?  If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one?  What is the special significance?

I have a preparation ritual of my own which helps me get in the right frame of mind, but nothing that has been requested of me yet (it’s still a bit early for that! lol).  I do think about having some sort of physical representation of my D/s relationship, maybe a necklace or bracelet or something but again, I am a ways away from that right now, which is OK.  But yes a reminder to look at and touch when apart from my Dom is a nice way to feel loved and connected.

26. What are the qualities you seek in a Dominant partner and why?  Are some qualities “deal breakers” or “must haves”?

Must haves: Calmness, firmness, experience, respect, good communication, physical attraction and compatibility. Deal breakers are obvious: incompatibility, abuse, disrespect, disregard for my emotional or physical well-being, ignoring safewords or limits.

27. Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet been able to explore?

Probably, but right now I am more focused on learning Sir, what he likes, wants, needs, desires and just experiencing D/s through him and seeing where that takes me 🙂

28. Has your submission ever let you down? Do you have any regrets regarding your submission? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake?  How do you handle these feelings?

I have most definitely made mistakes (read my Past Hurts post), but I can say that I learned from that experience and I try to focus on that, rather than the negative feelings I had/have about that relationship.

29. Is pain or humiliation (ie; spanking) a part of your submission?  What is your relationship to it?  Do you embrace it, love it, hate but endure it?

Pain yes, to an extent.  I like dancing right along the edge of my pain tolerance, where it feels like it might be too much but somehow it isn’t.  And pain can certainly heighten my arousal, whether it’s from a flogging or from a good nipple pinching, I do like a side of pain with my pleasure 🙂

30. Is your need to submit being met?  If not, or if your situation changed do you think you could be happy and fulfilled in your life if you were never able to express that side of yourself again?

Right now I am in a rediscovery process so it is hard to say.  My date with Sir left me simultaneously purring like a kitten full of satisfaction but also dying, starving for more.  It has been hard to reign in my eagerness because I just want more and more and I want to learn and learn.  Gotta work on my patience.  LOL

OK well there you go, I thought this one was pretty decent actually (even if they did hide 2 or 3 questions in each question!).  I think sometimes it is good to fill something like this out, even just for yourself.  Now off to go tackle some vanilla life stuff!

30 Kinky Things About Me

OK, so here’s a little less “vanilla” getting to know me post.  Technically you are supposed to answer one question a day over the course of 30 days but seriously, that would take forever – and once I start a quiz I can’t stop. 🙂  So you go, less vanilla, more sprinkles!

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What Parts of BDSM Interest You? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self.

Easy. Submissive.  I get a huge amount of pleasure and satisfaction and fulfillment from submitting to a deserving man.  To be able to hand my worries and cares, my stresses and disappointments to a strong man to carry them for me is freeing.  To have to do nothing more than obey and feel is lovely.  And to know that I am pleasing my Dominant and fulfilling a part in him that he couldn’t get without me is hugely rewarding.

Day 2: List Your Kinks.

Yeah right.  I don’t have that kind of time!  But here are a few of the main ones for me:

Impact play (most recently, thanks to Sir, the flogger, whip and cane) but also bare hand spankings.  There is an intimacy in that.  And when I can float in subspace, well, yum.

Bondage.  Yum. That is all.  The more immobilized I am the freer I feel.  It allows me to just be forced to endure and experience.  This includes blindfolds, which help me overcome my shyness.

Kissing.  Not “kinky” but still a major fetish.

Breast/nipple play/pain.  I have yet to try clamps (unless clothespins count?) but grab, squeeze, twist, bite, pinch – the more sensation the better.  My boobs can take a lot.

I am starting to enjoy a certain ritualization – having to respond a certain way, pose a certain way, having Sir touch and inspect me all over, I love it.  Fuck.  Now I’m turned on.

Cum.  I love it (with a safe partner only of course).  I want to swallow it, have it all over my face, my body, wherever he wants it.

Anal. nuff said.

Fisting/DP/Penetrations.  Feeling like it’s too big but it somehow fits is delicious.

There are SO many more but those are the biggies.  And this may all change on my journey with Sir as I have no idea what other tricks he’s got up his sleeves lol.

Day 3: How Did You Discover You Were Kinky?

This will have it whole own post soon.  But to summarize, there are 2 men in my past, long before meeting hubby that I know now were naturally Dominant.  I loved every second of it, but didn’t understand it or was even at all aware of BDSM.  But it definitely sparked something that was then triggered later on in my life, which has brought me to today.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

I was always very highly sexual, even though I didn’t have my first sexual encounter until I was 19.  But I remember masturbating, a lot, from a fairly young age (I still do it a lot lol).  But other than melting when with a Dominant man, nothing specific comes to mind.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

My first kinky experience was with a man who was 10 years older than me.  I was 22 at the time.  It was my first face-fucking experience, and he would order me to do things like wear a sheer top and no bra out to dinner.  I didn’t realize I was submissive at that time, just that I liked it and clearly, so did he lol

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I don’t know if this is weird or interesting but I have a long standing fantasy of being flogged hard and for a long time in front of people.  I think it might stem from wanting to feel like my Dom is showing me off, and I want to make him proud by taking it in front of others, despite my shyness.

Day 7: What’s your favourite toy?

Only one? booo.  But….no, I can’t I love too many.  And bondage or impact implements.  His hands.  The toys he uses on or in me.  In the moment, anything he is using is my favorite toy.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Er, I’ll have to find one and get back to you on that!

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

I don’t know any – seriously there are kinky music videos? neat!

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

scat, baby/animal, tickling (yes, for real), anal fisting, cutting, suffocating, extreme humiliation

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

That what happens between 2 consenting adults is their business provided no one is being seriously injured.  I don’t like the idea of serious body modification (please don’t cut off your subs breasts or penises, k?) but as long as it is SSC or at the very least RACK then go have fun!

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I once jerked my body (unintentionally), ended up jerking my face right into his elbow and got a black eye.  Not funny in the moment, but once I got over the shock it was pretty hilarious.  But seriously, sex in general is sometimes funny, I like it when something happens that makes him laugh or me giggle.  It is supposed to be fun remember?

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

To escape.  To feel.  To shut my over-active brain off.  To feel safe in my Dom’s arms and know that he will take care of me.  To feel proud of pleasing him, to feel strong for submitting.  To feel that ever so intimate connection, the shared energy pouring back and forth between us.  Fuck.  Now I am double horny.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

I think BDSM requires more trust and communication to make it work.  I also feel there is a deeper level of intimacy.  In general.  But either way, it is a relationship and relationships take commitment, communication and mutual affection and respect.

Day 15: Post A BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I would like to explore my above mentioned fantasy, maybe attend a play party or event.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Right now it is pure craving.  I want to be on my knees before him so badly it hurts.  But other than that I have come to a real acceptance of this side of myself and do not feel any real difficulties over it.  Finding a compatible Dom can be really tough though.  And the fact that I can’t talk about it openly to just anyone, so sometimes, for me anyway it can be a bit lonely.  Especially since Sir and I are in the very very new beginning so I can’t express that to him quite yet.

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

That one size does not fit all.  Just because someone is a sub does not mean they are a slave, or a masochist.  And a Dom isn’t automatically a sadist for example.  And that, when done right within consensual boundries, BDSM is not abuse, quite the opposite.

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Nah.  To each their own!  No, maybe I take that back. I do have weird…feelings….about the whole “under consideration” thing.  But maybe I just don’t get the appeal personally. Again, to each their own 🙂

Day 19: Any Unexpected Ways Kink Has Improved Your Life? If So, What Are They?

I feel calmer, more centered, happier and generally more confident.

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand

I am curious about collars.  I know what they mean generally, but I don’t know what they mean to me, or if this is something Sir is into – I don’t know.  I have a lot of strange feels about collaring.  I’ll admit though the thought of having a sign of that relationship on my body 24/7 is nice.  Really nice.

Day 21: Favourite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

I like Shayla Black, for pure fluff.  But unlike 50 shades, her characters actually have healthy (if somewhat unrealistic) D/s relationships, poly relationships etc.  So they are a fun read.

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I don’t know if there is a difference, outside of all the rules, boundries, safeword negotiations etc.  But always, lots and lots of communication, understanding and respect.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I think I am still growing.  I will have to come back to this one.  I feel too new with Sir to go there yet 🙂

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Physical Attraction (heat, remember?)

Confidence

Gentleness (outside of the playroom lol)

Calm

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Not very, but only because, as of yet, I don’t have a kinky circle of friends.  I hope this changes soon.

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

It’s not my kink, but it works for others, so more power to them 🙂

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

I am not sure I understand this question.  As a general rule no, not yet I don’t think?  But that could change.

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

When the playing is full swing I am not dressed at all lol.  But I do dress deliberately for a date with Sir.  I like floaty fabrics, things that feel nice to touch, layers to peel off.  I try to dress classy, with a side of sexy 😉

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title(eg mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, Sir)? What is your opinion of these titles in general?

I don’t have a title.  But I call Sir, well, Sir. 🙂  And I love it.

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Other than the fact that I am glad I have finished this and totally should have split it between the 30 days!?  haha

Kisses Are My Favorite

How important is kissing to you?

I think kissing is something that often gets over looked in a D/s relationship.  It comes across as “vanilla”.  It is something almost everyone over a certain age has done so it’s not “kinky”.  But to me, kissing is something that is extremely intimate and special.  Kissing is feeling, sensing, touching, tasting, loving.  It opens a primal connection between two people, when done right.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I like my kisses so good, they leave me breathless and wanting, willing to do anything to get more.  When it is done right I could kiss for hours.  I think I could probably even climax from kissing alone, although I never have.

Sir’s kisses left me dizzy, halfway to subspace already.  A trembling, wanton mess.  Weak kneed and desperate.  Sigh.  Is there anything better?  He kissed me all over, but it was the ones on my mouth that made me his that night.  I think he probably knew that lol.

I told him today how important kissing is to me and how good he is at it. He was very pleased to hear it lol. Truth be told, he was good at everything lol.  An expert at reading sounds and body language, he played me like a violin in the best way possible.  I feel like it is my first time journeying into submission, and I guess in a way it is.  I think before I just….endured.  I am so eager to finally and truly submit.

I don’t know if I could continue with someone who was a terrible kisser – could you?

I’m Not Needy…..I’m Wanty

I feel like a fire has been lit inside me.  After experiencing a type of sensual domination I have never felt before I want….more.

I want the whispers in my ear, I want the light caresses all over my skin, I want to feel my breath hitch as I wait and wonder what it going to happen next. I want the flogger, the whip, I want the cane.  I want it to burn and hurt, I want to squirm and cry out, I want to feel hands soothing me afterwards and the whisper of “good girl” in my ear.  I want marks that last for days, reminding me of my submission at the hands of that remarkable man.

I love how he poses me in the positions he likes.  The position he prefers to deliver his impact, the way he poses me standing so he can walk circles around me, touching, stripping me bare.  The way he grabs my chin to pose my head for a kiss. How he instructs me to lay my head on the floor with my ass up, how he touches me there, looking, leaving nothing to hide, how he leans over my back to tell me how he can see everything.  I love how he posed my body very carefully to maximize his pleasure as he slid into my ass. And I love how this otherwise fairly quiet man, a man who dominates in whispers, cried out as he came in my ass.

I love how shameless I felt as I screamed out my need to cum “please Sir I need to cum!”  and his benevolent permission to do so.

And I want….more.

Sir isn’t free for the rest of this weekend, which is a total bummer but I of course totally understand, he does have a life outside of D/s after all LOL.  But I can’t help the feeling that I have of needing another session to feel more….solid.  Like this is more than I one time thing.  I have no reason to feel it was only a one time thing, Sir has said how much he is looking forward to getting together again.  I will not be one of those women who become needy or clingy.  But I also recognize that there is a bit of inevitable clinginess, for lack of a better word, within a D/s dynamic.  As the submissive, I put a lot on the line emotionally to submit.  I am not someone who can play really casually (unless it was with my Dom there participating).  I need to feel like I am important, wanted.  And I hate that in a way.  It would be so much easier if I could just go and get my rocks off and call it a day.  A BDSM booty call so to speak lol.  But at the very least I need to feel like the man I give my submission to is also a man I can cuddle with a watch a movie, or make a meal together.  Friends, but more.  Friendship but with a level of intimacy.

But I will reign myself in lol and just enjoy the memories (even if they do make me uncomfortably horny ahhhh!) of our night and look forward with a submissive heart for our next encounter.

All Over The Place

I am all over the place today.  First, I am super stiff, unfortunately no visual souvenirs from last night but my shoulder and hip joints are super sore, most likely from holding certain positions on command for lengthy periods of time and from straining against my bonds while being flogged.  🙂  I love being stiff the next day.

I did have a bit of a feeling of being unsure/insecure this morning.  I hate that, why can’t I just bask in that happiness a bit longer?  But I did have a feeling of “what happens now” this morning.  Or those feelings (that a lot of subs have sometimes I think) of I can’t believe that happened, and while I am super thrilled, my feelings totally hinge on how HE feels about it.

Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer and I texted him, confessing that I was feeling a bit unsure this morning but not trying to be clingy/needy.  Maybe I was a bit sub-droppy, I dunno.  I received a lovely, and long text back from him.  He explained what a great time he had, what specifically about me, my reactions etc that he liked the most and turned him on the most and that I need not have any doubts as far as he was concerned. *grin*.  Obviously it is a bit early in the game to have any “feelings”, and that is not where it was coming from on my end, but that desire to please carried over today and I was desperate to know, in specific words, that I did indeed please him.

In part I think as well it was the fact that, while I had a long term D/s relationship it was so unbelievably different that I felt completely and totally new last night.  The way Sir approached the entire process was so completely alien to me that my head was spinning throughout the night, I was forced to completely focus on my submission that it left no room in my head for anything else.  I don’t think I have ever felt that way.  Even the act of calling someone “Sir” was totally new for me.  I needed approval today that I, well, did a good job for him.  I was/am so grateful for how understanding he was of my nerves, at his mastery of building up my arousal to an unbelievable fever pitch that I would have done anything in the moments where he wasn’t touching me, to get him to touch me.  And I have never, in my entire life wanted a spanking more.

I hope we can schedule another date soon, I want more of that delicious torment he is so damn good at delivering.

Oh….My…..GOD. Oh…..My…..SIR.

This was the best first date EVER.  I’ve been home for about 20 minutes and my head is still spinning and I am in a bit of a subspace haze, but I will try to tell the story as best as I can.

I arrived right on time, I was super super nervous.  Butterflies, ringing the doorbell was the worst part.  But he answered the door and within a few minutes I was much more at ease.  He is sweet, warm, down to earth and even though he exudes Domliness (new word, feel free to borrow lol) he was gentle.  He knew that I was nervous.  We chatted for a while, typical vanilla how was your day type stuff.  Got to know each other in person.  He is sooooo cute.  The sexy kind of cute, not the boyish awwww how adorable kind of cute.

I checked in with my friend, sent her the code for things are great and opened myself up to just experiencing whatever was in store.  Sir asked me if I had ever done or gone over a kinks checklist and he magically produced one when I said no.  He said whatever my limits were we would cross off the list entirely, for everything else he wanted to know if I had done it (or if not did I want to try), what I liked, what I didn’t like etc etc.  My first reaction was um are you kidding?  You want to, like, TALK about this right now just like that – in person??? but swallowed that reaction almost immediately because well, duh, of course we needed to talk about this!  If I am going to make myself vulnerable enough to be submissive to someone I need to be able to have this conversation!  So I gulped and said “May I please have a glass of wine for this Sir?” lol.  He laughed and got up and poured me a small glass.

We went over the list together, and are remarkably on the same page on things.  I talked about how although I had had a lot of impact play experience, it was only ever with a belt or hands, and it almost always mostly just hurt (unless I hit subspace after which…yum), but that I was very interested in floggers, scared of whips and canes (because – ouch!  I’ve seen the videos lol) but they were not a hard limit.  Sir replied that with all of the different instruments there are always ways and techniques to use them while staying within the subs limits so that it doesn’t push past the threshold.  I was interested.

We talked for a bit more, held hands, he rubbed my leg to help calm me down and BAM! HEAT.  Probably the best first kiss I have ever had (although to be fair first kisses are almost always pretty awesome right?)  But he teased, he had me hovering, wanting, breathless.  I was done in for. We went over safewords, how to use them, what would happen when I did and told me there would be absolutely no repercussions for using them.  “Do you understand?”  he asked. “yes” I said.  He leans into me and whispers in my ear “yes Sir..”.  “Yes Sir” I reply.  And my arousal jumped up 10 stories.

Sir told me to close my eyes and stand up.  He led me to the center of the room and positioned my hands behind my head.  Legs apart.  He spent ages, just stroking me.  My entire body, my arms, my neck, he rans his fingers tips over and over me, circling me.  Kissing my neck, my cheek, my shoulder.  “Just feel” he says.  I nod, trembling.  He spends the next I don’t even know how long, but a good long time, doing this, peeling away layers of clothes.  Until I am bare before him.  He blindfolds me and has me get on my hands and knees, then down to my elbows, then head on the floor, ass in the air.  He says “I can see everything when you are like this, do you feel exposed?”  “yes Sir” I whisper.  “That’s because you are.  You look wonderful like this.”  I am stroked and touched, he drapes his body over mine to kiss me lips, my head, my neck.  I want.  I want whatever he is going to give me.  Maybe we are moving awfully fast, we probably are, but I don’t care, I am in it, in this moment.  It was such a relief to submit.  I was nervous, not knowing what was in store – never having played with him before, but I went with my gut, trusted, and my inner subbie rose to the surface and took over.

He pulled me to my feet and said he was going to see how well I could follow, and trust, and blindfolded, he led me down some steps, across the fluffiest, softest carpet my skin has ever experienced.  I found out later when the blindfold came off that he has a whole playroom in his basement.  Yay!  A playground!

It began with a spanking.  I was instructed to lay across his lap and he rubbed me all over.  I loved that he took the time and made the effort to explain everything to me.  He led, and I followed.  The spankings began slow.  Smack!  Followed by a minute of two of caressing.  The increased in number and intensity, but it was not painful, some had a good bite to them, but it was sensual.  I was squirming.  He slid his finger between my legs and lazily stroked me there while the smacks came.  It was heavenly.  After the spanking I was led to a bed, where I was draped face down over this – cushion? Bolster thingie?  My wrists and ankles were fastened to the bed corners and I was laid in waiting.  My ass was still warm from the spanking.

The first flogger was like silk against my skin.  It was soft.  A caress.  Sir did bring the intensity up and it still packed a decent impact, but I was arching towards it not even thinking, wanting more.  He worked his way up to heavier floggers, until the heaviest one was wolluping my ass and the backs of my thighs.  It didn’t hurt, but the thud made me jump and moan every time.  I am in love with this flogger.  I was edging on subspace by this point, not quite there but not quite in this world either.  It was heavenly.

Sir stopped and walked away for a moment.  I heard him open a cupboard, and he rubbed my skin, kissed my back and I felt the first sting.  It was tiny, a little kiss of heat on my ass cheek.  I was still.  What was that?  I had never felt anything like it before.  The  intensity grew, and the little kisses became licks of what felt like fire on my skin.  It hurt but it was intoxicating.  I was squirming and gasping with each lick, but I can honestly say I loved it.  Sir later revealed to me after we finished playing that this was a single tail.  What!?  I was terrified of whips, but oh my goodness, who knew.  In the hands of a Master I was being made love to by fire and I could have stayed there all night.

Sir walked away again and return, rubbing the hot spots the single tail had left on my skin when I heard it.  Whoosh.  I knew immediately what that was.  A cane, whipping through the air.  My breath hitched up.  I was scared, but I knew he would go easy on me.  The first few smacks of the cane were light, a tiny sting.  The intensity grew with each hit, smacking me over and over in the same place, where by cheeks met the tops of the backs of my thighs.  It burned.  It stung.  I love every fucking second of it.

Sir rubbed me down, and moved on to other things, other lovely, intense things.  He was pumping something in and out of my ass, a vibrator on my clit and I was panting and squirming and suddenly I knew I was going to orgasm.  “Sir!”  He must have sensed the panic in my voice and stopped everything to lean over me, calming me.  “I don’t know what the rules are for cumming – what do I do?”  Sir instructed me to ask permission and that he usually says yes, but to not count on that all the time 😉  Soon after my first orgasm ripped through me, I was bound, I had no where to go, so I had to let it rip through me like a forest fire.

Sir and I spent another hour or so playing, he rocked my world.  I am a sub who needs her snuggly after care, which he was more than happy to oblige, and we lay together, talking, kissing, skin to skin.

I am still high as a kite from this.  I marvelled to Sir that I was so sore (I think mostly from straining against my bonds) but he didn’t leave a single mark.  “No, not this time.  Not yet.” He says.  I can’t wait until I have souvenirs to look at.

Are we a good match?  Um, hell yeah I think so.  We want to see each other again.  Where will this lead, it’s too soon to tell, but at the very least, my inner subbie is subdued (for now lol) and I have made a new kinky friend.  Maybe more. 🙂

Thank you Sir for the most wonderful first date I have ever had. xx

Mental Musings

What if I am so shy I can barely speak?  What if I spill my drink, or step on his cat, or or or….

Ugh. I hate and love this part.  The nerves aggghhhhh!

What if I slather myself in my favorite lotion that makes me smell like candy and he ends up having some kind of weird scent allergy thing?  Sigh, OK I am totally over thinking this.

What if I don’t like HIM? It’s funny how that thought hadn’t even crossed my mind until now.  I don’t think I am an inherently insecure person.  I don’t have low self-esteem.  And although sure, I’d love to drop a clothing size, I have never had a trouble attracting hot guys.  So why am I worried?

As submissives do we sometimes get in the habit of feeling like WE are auditioning?  I mean, you see it so many times in the “community” – so&so submissive is “under consideration” by so&so Dom etc.  I think if you have established that on a kink-level you are compatible (ie; you both are into the same things or you don’t have a list of hard-limits that are his list of must haves) then shouldn’t you both be considering each other?

At the end of the day, I want to be with someone that likes me, the person, the woman, enough to be able to take pride in becoming the man I submit to.  Someone who cares enough about me that they want to journey with me – not just sit in the drivers seat and blindly drive me from destination to destination.  You know?  Does that sound crazy?

In my last relationship there were so many amazing things.  But in the end, I wasn’t valued.  I was expected to feel (and show) my immense gratitude for having them in my life but I was never the reason that they felt lucky.  Is it too much to hope that I could find someone who feels so damn lucky to find ME?  I promise you, future Sir, whether you are the one I am meeting tomorrow or one I may not meet for years to come, I will repay that emotion a million fold.

In other news I can’t deny that my inner subbie is DYING.  She is literally suffocating.  Not enough (before you all get concerned) to make any stupid decisions (this isn’t my first rodeo and this isn’t the dreaded “sub-frenzy” lol) But god dammit if I don’t get a seriously good spanking soon I might just implode. Or explode.  I will ODE.  But I can’t submit to a spanking, or anything else for that matter, to just anyone.  Heat, remember?  I gotta have it.

I know the universe will help a sister out.  I just have to relax and be patient.

Mental diarrhea complete, thanks for listening Internet.