Mental Musings

What if I am so shy I can barely speak?  What if I spill my drink, or step on his cat, or or or….

Ugh. I hate and love this part.  The nerves aggghhhhh!

What if I slather myself in my favorite lotion that makes me smell like candy and he ends up having some kind of weird scent allergy thing?  Sigh, OK I am totally over thinking this.

What if I don’t like HIM? It’s funny how that thought hadn’t even crossed my mind until now.  I don’t think I am an inherently insecure person.  I don’t have low self-esteem.  And although sure, I’d love to drop a clothing size, I have never had a trouble attracting hot guys.  So why am I worried?

As submissives do we sometimes get in the habit of feeling like WE are auditioning?  I mean, you see it so many times in the “community” – so&so submissive is “under consideration” by so&so Dom etc.  I think if you have established that on a kink-level you are compatible (ie; you both are into the same things or you don’t have a list of hard-limits that are his list of must haves) then shouldn’t you both be considering each other?

At the end of the day, I want to be with someone that likes me, the person, the woman, enough to be able to take pride in becoming the man I submit to.  Someone who cares enough about me that they want to journey with me – not just sit in the drivers seat and blindly drive me from destination to destination.  You know?  Does that sound crazy?

In my last relationship there were so many amazing things.  But in the end, I wasn’t valued.  I was expected to feel (and show) my immense gratitude for having them in my life but I was never the reason that they felt lucky.  Is it too much to hope that I could find someone who feels so damn lucky to find ME?  I promise you, future Sir, whether you are the one I am meeting tomorrow or one I may not meet for years to come, I will repay that emotion a million fold.

In other news I can’t deny that my inner subbie is DYING.  She is literally suffocating.  Not enough (before you all get concerned) to make any stupid decisions (this isn’t my first rodeo and this isn’t the dreaded “sub-frenzy” lol) But god dammit if I don’t get a seriously good spanking soon I might just implode. Or explode.  I will ODE.  But I can’t submit to a spanking, or anything else for that matter, to just anyone.  Heat, remember?  I gotta have it.

I know the universe will help a sister out.  I just have to relax and be patient.

Mental diarrhea complete, thanks for listening Internet.


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