I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my submission. About D/s in general I guess but I have been trying to come to a better understanding of myself and my submission so that I can bring my best to the table with Sir. I get to see him in a couple days and while yes I am excited about all the sexy kinky stuff I want to…..sink. I want to sink into my submission so that, for an afternoon, all that exists in my world is him. He deserves that and I think I do too.
This is not my first time, and yet it is. I don’t know what is in store for me this weekend and I like that. I like that I will be nervous. I like that I will have butterflies. I like that my body will give him no resistance.
Because only by making my submission not about me, but about HIM, will I also get what I need. He wants to meet my needs. I know this. He gets great pleasure in taking care of the inner submissive inside me. This is a need of his as well. But I want to focus on him. I want to pay attention. I want to learn him. I want to listen closely to his whispers and obey without hesitation. I want to feel pleasure if he desires it or pain if that would please him. I want to be honest in my reactions because he desires and expects honesty. He is learning me too. I want to walk in with no expectation of either pain or pleasure and recognize that my greatest pleasure is his pleasure. My greatest pleasure is him feeling like I am worthy of a whisper of “good girl” in my ear. I want him to see the value in me and my submission. I want to please him in whatever he requires.
And in return? I get….peace. I get understanding. I get to feel strong in my submission. I get to feel accomplished and desirable. Beautiful and special. I get to feel known and appreciated and respected. I get to be myself, without restraint. I get to give a wonderful man exactly what he needs in a way he can’t get anywhere in his vanilla life. I get to know that I make him also feel understood, valued, special, respected, strong and accomplished. What is more wonderful than that?
But I have to give it all up.
I struggle sometimes with some body issues. I don’t have low self-esteem, it’s not that. And honestly, even though I am working to lose 15 pounds I don’t hate my body. Except for one area. After having my babies my tummy was, well, ruined, for lack of a better word. Covered in stretch marks crinkly skin and lose skin as well that no amount of weights or cardio will correct. I recognize this as a reminder of the beautiful sacrifice I made bringing my amazing babies into the world, but that to the rest of the world it is not attractive. And I recognize that from a purely aesthetic point of view it isn’t attractive. Oh if only for that part I would love my body, with my womanly curves, I love my boobs, my legs. But that part I….well it’s a struggle.
On my last date with Sir, I balked while being stripped away of layers of clothing and begged to just keep my tank top on off my shoulders, just around my waist covering that part. He didn’t want to but I begged and said it would be too distracting to me to have it uncovered. He graciously allowed it. But he says he will not allow it this time. He was kind about it but said I needed to trust him that he isn’t going to care and that he likes everything he has seen just fine. That unless this was a hard limit he was going to see. I know he doesn’t want that scrap of cloth between us. It’s more that a scrap of cloth. It’s insecurity. That is what he wants to remove. That is what lays between us when I have that on. And I recognize that this is not acceptable. This is what I need to give up. I need to give up this last piece of ego and submit. I need to get out of my head and stop telling myself what he is feeling and start listening to what HE says he is feeling. He’s going to eventually see it anyway and to be honest, during all of that evening’s activities it’s not like the top stayed put anyway.
I don’t think of myself as a necessarily insecure person. Not in most ways at least. I can’t be in my job, or with my children. I am not afraid to stand up for myself when needed. I AM shy, especially when meeting new people, but I think that’s more the fact that I am just an introvert so new people or large groups of people just tire me out. But I otherwise feel good about myself. I like how I look (most of the time) and I have always dated attractive men (although attraction is very subjective of course) but it’s this. one. part. I want him to look at me and think I am beautiful.
But I have been focused on the wrong beauty. That’s what I realized recently.
It is the beauty of my submission I need to focus on. So I am giving it up. The ego, the insecurity. The fact that if he wasn’t attracted to me we wouldn’t be having more than one date. I know this. Women, why do we do this to ourselves?
I guess I am just…..scared.