So, as you may have guessed from revealing that I am in an open marriage, I am poly-amorous. It brings up a lot of interesting thoughts and questions about love and relationships that I thought I would ponder on here. Poly-love, blog style.
So when my husband and I decided to give an open marriage a try, we did so with the understanding that we felt it was unreasonable to expect one person to be able to fulfill every need of another person. We are simply too different as human beings for that to be realistic. Now I understand that this is not the path most people choose, and that for many, the whole point of marriage is to make certain sacrifices because that one person is worth it. I don’t necessarily disagree, and I think it is lovely. But it also fails for many. This failure still doesn’t make those people wrong, but what works for one couple may not work for another. So I write all of this with a sincere respect for all different relationship dynamics and any opinions or thoughts I express pertain only to how it works for us. 🙂
But I also did not go into an open marriage thinking I would love anyone else. That was “against the rules” and I wasn’t looking for love anyway. I love my husband. He loves me. I was looking for a sexual education of sorts. I was fairly young when I got married and as such hadn’t been with many men prior to getting married. I didn’t understand polyamory and certainly didn’t think to apply it to myself. Little did I know.
In the beginning of our foray into open-marriage there were many bumps in the road. I found myself jealous and upset in a way after hubby had a date. I always wanted to know if “she was prettier/younger/skinnier than me” (to which he always replied “no one is hotter to me than you!” awwww) and I would be unexplainably cranky. But it really did teach us how to communicate better. Open marriage has forced both of us to see our insecurities in a bright light, face them and choose to overcome them. I say choose. The reason I am no longer jealous when hubby goes on a date is because I choose to recognize that we have a partnership, a family, a home and I choose to trust him that he is not going to let those things go. I choose to trust that he loves me enough to stay with me and continue to love me no matter what. And trust me when I say I am not always the easiest person to live with!
I had a hard time compartmentalizing my feelings in the beginning as well. Before I met my ex I had a bucket-list threesome with a friend (female) and a friend of hers (male). This guy was intense and lovely and he made me feel all the feels. I thought I was in love with him. Maybe I was a little, although looking back I don’t think I was I think I was just royally confused. It shook my marriage a bit, but we worked through it. With my ex I realized that I did indeed love him and at first, I didn’t know how to compartmentalize that. I didn’t know how to love 2 men at the same time. But, over time I realized that I didn’t necessarily have to compartmentalize at all, I just had to open myself up to it and embrace it.
Once I recognized that my love for ex didn’t diminish my love for hubby things got a lot easier. I loved both of them in different way, for different reasons (this was of course before things with ex went sour). It was as though, just like with my children, my heart simply expanded in size to accommodate all of my feelings for everyone. It was then I realized, holy crap! I am poly-amorous! I am a very loving and nurturing person by nature so, when I find someone I can love I do so, with my whole giant heart. Hubby doesn’t operate the same way, he feels affection and friendship for his lady friends, but says he keeps it uncomplicated to avoid any messiness when a relationship inevitably ends. I understand this, and I am not sure how I would feel if he did fall in love with someone else, but I think I could handle it, knowing what I know about myself. My ability to love someone else in no way jeopardizes or diminishes my love for hubby. If anything, when I have my submissive side fulfilled (which is an emotional thing for me) I am a better wife and mother because I am happier in myself.
One of the reasons I think I can’t submit casually is because, to me, there is nothing casual about my submission. It can only be given to a man I have some feels for. And the more feels I have, the more affection and emotion I feel towards them, the more like and then love, the deeper my submission. Emotion and submission go hand in hand for me. Because my submission comes from my heart, one little piece at a time.
Ultimately I need a Dom who I can feel free to express that emotional side of myself to. A man strong enough to not get freaked out my any love-type feelings I may have. A man who recognizes that my love doesn’t come with any demands, or intrusions in their life, but when I feel safe to love, I can submit totally and without reservation.
Will Sir be that man? Who knows, it is waaaaaay to early in the game for those kinds of feels. But I do have the butterflies, which for now, is enough for me. 🙂 It’s very nice indeed. But I want to be open to whatever the universe has in store for me. At the end of the day I have at least made a friend, who appreciates and respects me and I do the same for him. There is affection, which I need and I am in no rush to well, rush things. I am enjoying the ride. xo