Sometimes I Wonder…..

I survived the first day of my crazy week and came out of it unscathed.  I went into the office with a feeling of almost dread.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I knew today was going to be crazy busy and I will probably be dreaming of my computer tonight (and not the yummy stuff on my computer either ha!) but really, this was just my job.  It’s not like I was facing torture or the firing squad.  I had a meeting with my boss this afternoon, there is nothing unusual about this, we meet once a week and we have a fantastic relationship.  But I was so anxious going into this meeting.  Stupid really.  And in the end it was unfounded as it was a great meeting of minds, I ended up having a really productive day all around and now my kids are tucked into bed, I have a glass of wine in hand and here I am, no worse for wear.

It’s funny how our minds can just get the better of us sometimes isn’t it?

Getting away from my brain is probably the number one thing I personally get out of submission (other than the satisfaction of pleasing him).  I get a break.  To many, this would be an odd way to relax.  Get bound and flogged and ordered around you say?  Well I say yes.  Yes please.  Pretty please with a cherry on top.  Submission allows me to shut down all the noise, the chaos, the worries and cares and just…..be.  And not only do I get to be but I get to be me.  The true deep down me that I don’t have the luxury of being during my normal vanilla life.  It wouldn’t do to be the submissive when I am dealing with VPs at my job or having to make decisions that impact people, or trying to wrangle my kids all over town to get them to playdates, or sports, or birthday parties etc.  And honestly?  All that power, control and authority is exhausting.

The more I explore the more I realize that all of our true, real deal Doms out there need a serious shout out.  They never get to give up control.  I know that they get something else entirely out of being Dominant, something that I honestly can’t begin to wrap my brain around (but oh thank god they do!) but it must be tiresome sometimes no?

Something I have been struggling with since my date with Sir is how…..selfish I feel.  I will try to explain. In my last relationship I only felt like I was really pleasing him if I was doing something I didn’t enjoy.  In fact, I almost came to enjoy certain things for the sole reason that I knew that if I could do it, he would be pleased.  I am not talking about pushing boundaries or striving to do more, but things that I felt….ashamed of almost.  Things that didn’t sit well with me, deep down. It wasn’t all bad of course, and when times were good I enjoyed a lot, but that wasn’t always the case.

With Sir, I enjoyed every last freaking second of it, from beginning to end.  And I know that he will continue to up the ante and challenge me as we played so well within my parameters so to speak and were more just getting a feel (no pun intended haha) for eachother.  But I LOVED it.  I loved it so much that I feel, well, selfish.  I plan on broaching this subject with him when I see him next, and my worries are most likely unfounded as Sir really did enjoy himself he says, and I let him take the reigns so I can’t imagine he would spend the evening playing at things he didn’t like, but it has me wondering.  Don’t get me wrong, due to my shyness, there was times when I was extremely shy and/or nervous and I pushed myself to just obey without question, and I made a few small requests of my own about certain things that he says I will not be allowed to request next time (nothing on my limit list don’t worry, more to compensate for some insecurities) so in that way I guess I did push myself for him, but god I still felt so pampered and spoiled that day.  Maybe this is just because this style of Domination is so new to me?  I never knew it could be like that.

But I am craving a bit more of a challenge next time, and hopefully some take home visual reminders 😉  I may set the parameters but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy dancing along the edges of those parameters and maybe even taking a quick step or 2 outside them sometimes.  And Sir texted me saying if I could hang in there through my stressful week he would see to some stress relief for me this weekend hehe 🙂

Anyway, just some Monday musings.

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2 thoughts on “Sometimes I Wonder…..

  1. When you step outside a boundary, the boundary simply moves, you never leave your boundaries. Try something more difficult. Deny the self, deny your feelings, ignore them and simply be his toy, however he wishes to use it or not. Try, hard as it is, to be selfless and see worth only in being used at all, never mind how. To give the self away, some say, is to find it in the first place. Just some thoughts.

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