It’s Been Too Long!

It’s been WAY too long since I have written my lovely blogging friends!  I do have a good reason though!  I was away for almost a week so that took up my time, and I am so glad to be back.

Today was an….interesting…day.  I had/have a serious case of “cunt brain”.  God I still love that term!  I could hardly focus at work for my insane super horniness.  I don’t know what the heck has gotten into me but I am literally dying over here.  And no simple sex is going to cut it.  I need it all.  The pain, the moans, the multiple orgasms, the submission.  I need it hard and intense.  I need the “good girls” and the orders. DYING OVER HERE.

I was able to have an unexpected date with Sir before my trip which was nice, I was so happy not to have to wait another 2 weeks like I thought!  I still have the bruises – on my ass, my inner thighs and one nice one on one breast (hooray for post scene bruises!).  I felt a bit off that date though – I don’t know if it was because a whole month had gone by since  I had seen him last but I was feeling really self-conscious and body insecure.  I am almost always a bit insecure about certain areas of my body but I have, for the most part, gotten over it with Sir and am able to forget about it fairly soon into a scene when we are together.  Not this time.  I had a hard time getting out of my own head, and although Sir says I did “perfectly” I could feel the difference in myself and I hated that.  I also had to call yellow at one point – things just got too ouchie.  There’s this one implement that he uses that for some reason the sensations I can only take for a very brief amount of time.  Cane me, flog me, spank me, whatever – I’ll cry and squirm and beg but I will want more and more and more – but this thing I just can’t handle.  I don’t even fully know what it is cause I can’t see it and never think to ask afterwards cause I am too out of it to do so LOL.

Sir’s primary have become great friends, in other news, and it is lovely.  We are getting together the 3 of us this weekend and I am super excited, although a little nervous if Sir wants us to all play – which he most likely will (although I know he won’t push the issue if I am not feeling comfortable with that).  I don’t know what will happen but I am happy to see what happens naturally and go from there.  This is the first poly type situation like this (where we all know and spend time together) I have ever been in and I am loving it.  Once I got over the initial insecurity of my place in it (well mostly got over anyway) I was able to really just go with the flow and I absolutely love spending time with both of them together for many reasons, but one of which is how absolutely refreshing it is to be able to spend time together and it not be awkward or uncomfortable. I am repeatedly amazed at her willingness and ability to share a part of him with me so genuinely and to be totally happy that him and I are also together. I actually enjoy seeing them together and have encouraged her to feel free to be as affectionate with him as she wants to be while I am around.  I am still figuring out myself how to act around him when she is there so I am just going to take his lead on it.  She has promised to communicate openly with me if there is anything I do that makes her upset or uncomfortable and give me a chance to change my approach before she gets angry – her and I have talked at length about this and so far we are totally on the same page.

Part of me REALLY hopes that I will end up being comfortable enough for some play because good god do I ever need it right now.  Again, if it happens naturally then I will go with it, or try to at least.  Agh if only I could get out of my own head more.

I am really hoping for an overnight date with Sir one of these times soon – I really want to be able to let go fully.  Cry, scream, whatever.  I’d love to hit subspace, but even just the catharsis of crying would be so welcome right now – I can feel it bubbling up inside me, but it needs me to have a serious painful work over for it to come out.  So far we have always had somewhere to be after – either me or him, so there’s only so far you can go when you know that ultimately there is a time limit on your scene.  I had mentioned needing a really intense long scene to Sir’s primary and she was the one actually who recommended making plans for a weekend night so I could just sleep over and not need to worry about needing to be somewhere.  Have I said how awesome poly can be when you are all on the same page?  So I think if I need it, and she has no problem with it then Sir might be happy to oblige one of these days 🙂

Anyway, I need to get a hold of these freaking hormones or whatever it is that is making me a wet, needy, horny mess right now – but please keep your fingers crossed that my insecurities don’t get in the way this weekend so I can have some kinky fun lol

Anyone else in this blogging world been in a situation where they have been one of 2 subs playing under one Dom at the same time for the first time?  I have before, but never as the “secondary” so maybe that is where my insecurity is coming from, I don’t know.  But I would love to hear your advice or your experiences.  Neither Sir nor his gf are pressuring me, they have let me know they are more than happy just to have my company that night so I don’t feel pressure, more just frustration at this mental block I have set up in my own brain.  I’d love to get over it.

I Don’t Like Wartenburg Wheels and Other Surprises

Sorry friends!  It’s been a while since I have written.  Actually I have not come even nearly close to my personal commitment of blogging daily.  Honestly I think I would probably bore you all to tears if I did LOL.  My day to day life is not all that edge-of-your-seat exciting!

I blogged briefly about Sir having me at his feet, head in his lap while he asked about my day.  It was a turning point in my submission.  I can’t quite explain it, but it felt so amazing to be in that position, having his hands stroke my hair with so much tenderness while he expressed interest in the mundane moments of my day.  I felt submissive and so so calm.  Honestly if that was all we did that day that would have been enough for me.  I want to feel very much in my place.  I think that is why I love the poses so much, nothing hammers home my position as something like that.  I feel obedient and on display for him and while it makes me blush from my head to my feet I love every single second of it.

I was away for a week on vacation and received a surprise text from him telling me he was thinking of me and just wanted to say hello.  I had been having a bad day.  I was grumpy and homesick and strangely feeling almost sub droppy. I don’t know why as almost a week had gone by since we played but that is the best way I can describe my mood.  I was feeling insecure in my place with Sir and wondering if I was truly important to him at all.  There was no reason to make me feel this way but I did anyway.  But then, as if he could sense my mood from hundreds of miles away he sent me that message.  And all was right in my world again.

I also got the surprise that I may get to see him this weekend, even though I didn’t expect to for another 2 or 3 weeks.  So I am a very happy subbie at this point!

Last date Sir had me in some very interesting bondage that had me completely immobilized.  And he used a multitude of instruments on me but what had me almost safe-wording surprisingly enough was a wartenburg wheel!  He has used one on me before but I have now learned that there are many different kinds, some much much more evil LOL.  The first time it wasn’t uncomfortable at all, and I remember thinking what is the big deal with these things?  But then this last time OH MY GOD.  It felt like I was being sliced with a hot knife.  Or what I imagine being sliced with a hot knife would feel like.  And try as I might I was not able to squirm away from this now much hated object and it had me almost crying it was so intense.  I had NO idea.  I didn’t safe word, although damn did I come close.  I am pretty sure I don’t like those things.  I am considering telling Sir that maybe he should keep those on the punishment only shelf, lol.  Not that we have a punishment dynamic (I’m a good girl 😉 ) but it is something that won’t make me safeword but I definitely do not like!  That being said I still enjoyed every second of our date because it was new, I learned something about myself and I was proud that I was able to endure it for him without breaking down. Much.

Sir also stayed true to his commitment of spending more time with me, we actually fell asleep all wrapped up in each other afterwards which was a surprise lol, but lovely 🙂

I can’t wait to see him next.  I am definitely becoming attached.  Not in a crazy can’t live without you in love kind of way but in an affectionate, caring, very much ‘in-like” kind of way which is much healthier and lovely for me 🙂

Poses

It’s been waaaaaay too long since I have been able to be lost (and found) in my submission.

I know that many of you are in long distance relationships or for other reasons are not able to see your D-type very often, but for me, 2 weeks is about my max. I respect you so much for that – I am not sure I could do it.  It’s been 3 weeks for me now.  And boy am I feeling it.

The good news is I only have to wait another 2.5 days until I see Sir and I can’t wait. This will be the first time we play since laying all the cards out on the table.  I look forward to being able to play without all of that junk floating around in my brain.  To be able to relax into my submission knowing that all is well, that we are on the same page, and knowing that if I am able to fully let go and end up with possible subdrop as a result that he will be there for me.  I am also really looking forward to this time because it comes with the promise of hang out time afterwards so things won’t be rushed, we can take our time.  Yay!

How does going past your personal no play time limit affect you?

I know for me, I feel restless, antsy and cranky.  The craving for me is visceral.  I can literally almost taste it.  It’s like something is constantly missing.  The princess and the pea effect – no matter how many mattresses you pile up on things you can still feel that damned pea.  And it just makes you….uncomfortable.  That’s how I feel.

As far as “kinks” go I think I miss impact play the most.  From spanking to flogging to caning – impact play is one of my must-have kinks.  I adore it and how it makes me feel.  But I will admit that since seeing Sir the things I crave have changed up a bit – the things that pop into my head and bring me momentarily to my submissive head space are changing.  While yes, I absolutely miss the impact play and the bondage – and I really really want some good lasting marks after next date, that’s not all I miss, or even at the forefront.  Lately, what I find popping into my head are…positions.  Poses.  Now I know that submissive poses are sometimes considered pretty oldschool and I read on fet all kinds of subs who scoff at the idea, but Sir is into it big time, and is teaching me exactly what pose he expects on a word.  And I freaking ADORE this.  I would have never thought that this part of our play would become so important to me, but there is something about the obedience, the formality of posing in a desired way that immediately makes me very aware of my place, and sets the tone of our time together.  At the same time giving me a weird almost embarrassed tingly feeling that I have never experienced before but am really really enjoying.  It has the same effect on me as simply calling him “Sir”.  It is something I have never done before and it gives me a weird but delicious feeling. These are the things incorporated in our play that makes me feel like a sub as opposed to a bottom, which for my personal experience is important. Oh how things have changed for me compared to my last bdsm relationship.

Change.  Change is very very good.

Frenzy.

So I have been doing a lot of thinking this past couple of days.  A self professed over-thinker this comes as no surprise, but in light of Sir and I’s upcoming conversation I knew that some delving into myself and trying to figure out what it is that I really want was necessary.

A few things I have discovered.  One, I have been in the throes of sub-frenzy!  Yup, there I said it.  I hate admitting that!  I have to apologize right now to anyone who has ever experienced sub frenzy before.  Historically whenever I heard this term I kind of scoffed to myself.  I always assumed that me, being the mature together woman that I am that it simply indicated a lack of self-control.  That it would never be an issue with me because I was a grown ass woman for crying out loud!  But alas, here I am.  Knowing that this is likely what I have been experiencing though has put perspective on everything and has allowed me to relax now and I feel much more clear headed.

The one thing I miss with my ex is the passion.  That all consuming crazy animal like passion we had for each other.  Now, I would never ever go back to that because that passion came along with so many damaging elements that I can’t imagine willingly going back to but I do miss it.

BUT.  What I failed to realize, is that despite the fact that Sir and I do not have a romantic relationship, when we are playing there IS passion.  There is connection, and energy, synergy, lust and desire.  It’s different, Sir is more controlled and deliberate than my ex, but it is definitely there.  I can feel it in the way he kisses me – you can’t fake a good kiss people.

I also realized that everything I “need” from this relationship can, indeed, be found within the dynamic between two close friends who trust, like and care for each other.  The fact is, Sir has a primary relationship.  I also have a primary relationship.  This is not going to change, and I don’t want it to.  So by keeping the “romance” out of the equation it provides a fun and less….messy way of connecting with someone in that way.

When I wrote to Sir stating that I needed a D/s relationship he, understandably, interpreted that as me wanting a romantic one.  Maybe for a second I thought I did, but I know now that was sub frenzy talking.  I wanted it ALL!  Right now!  Now!  But after reflecting for a bit I realize that all I really want or need is to feel affection, caring, respect, and a general enjoyment of each other’s company.  Sound’s a lot like good friends, doesn’t it?  Yes it does.

So yes, I do need a bit more one on one vanilla time, especially after a play session, to help me transition better back into “real” life and to ensure I feel valued as a person and not just for play – which I plan on letting him know that when we sit down and talk next week, but other than that I think he is perfectly capable of giving me what I need – in fact, I think he has been already, I was just too frantic to notice.

I also realized that what labels he chooses to put on our dynamic doesn’t really matter.  I don’t plan on submitting to another man other than him, I just don’t roll that way personally, so as long as he understands that then I don’t care if he sees me as his “official” sub or not.  He is my Dom. To me.  In my mind.  And outside of that we will be close friends who understand each other and relate to one another in a special and intimate way.  More than “friends with benefits” but not significant others.

In other news, I am craving a spanking (and impact play in general) something fierce.  I really need that pain, that pushing me right up against my limits to help me feel sated, centered and calm.  Balanced.  It has been way too long – 2 weeks without really is my limit, after which I start feeling really edgy and squirrly.  So That might have been adding to my general moodiness as well.  It’s another thing I will be bringing up in our conversation.  If I am feeling sub droppy or really edgy and needy for some play how do I approach him about that?  How can I do it in a way that let’s him know how I am feeling without being pushy or demanding?

This conversation will be super tough for this super shy girl here but so necessary, and to be honest I am already feeling more relaxed just knowing that very soon we will have everything out on the table and can go from there.

Anyway that is all the introspection I have in me for now!  Hope all you lovely Bloggers are having a wonderful day! xx

Rope

I think I might be in love.  With rope.

Bondage is one of my most favorite kinks, in fact, the more bound I am the calmer and freer I feel.  Go figure huh?  I think because I am naturally really shy by nature, being bound and blindfolded allows my brain to just shut off and I can be free to just feel, experience and react however feels right at the time.  I don’t have the luxury of deciding anything – I just have to take it, cause hey I’m all tied up and can’t go anywhere! LOL  Hmmm, also one of the reasons I enjoy submission as well.  I don’t have to think, to choose, to decide.  I just have to be.  And in being, I please him and that is a wonderful feeling.

But where was I….oh yes. Rope.

Rope is something I had never ever experienced before (although Sir seems to be taking me through the gamit of first time experiences because for real, it’s all pretty much been new.  Pretty awesome if you consider that I am almost 5 years down this rabbit hole of D/s & BDSM. I never even realized just how much I hadn’t experienced, let alone what I would enjoy).

Usually, when Sir binds me to the bed, it is by way of cuffs on my wrists and ankles.  This time, he used rope.  I don’t know why, perhaps just to test out my reaction to rope.  And it wasn’t just tie a knot around her ankle and tie that to the bed frame either.  I couldn’t see, but I could feel the rope sliding back and forth across my skin as he expertly and patiently rigged it around one ankle at a time, then again on my wrists.  It was unforgiving, but comfortable.  But the whole time I found myself paying very close attention.  I was utterly captivated by how it felt sliding across my skin, trying to visualize the knot he was crafting, noticing how it felt as it tightened.

I’ve read about some people who slip into subspace just from intense rope work.  I was never able to understand, but I think I have a better idea now.  I of course didn’t hit subspace from this little bit of tying up but I felt myself….relax.  Almost like I was sinking into it.  I was zoning out.  I fucking loved it.  Who knew!?  It’s so interesting how something that would have no affect on one person could turn into total kinky love for another.  Ah I love this lifestyle 🙂

I confessed to Sir today that I absolutely loved the rope.  He said there would be more in the future for me.  Happy happy subbie.  I can’t help but wonder how it would feel to be totally tied up in rope, going through the lengthy process of being bound that way.  My interest is totally piqued.

I have recognized a slight pattern in how Sir works, each time he does something for the first time with me he introduces it gently, but enough that he can clearly gauge my reaction to it.  Then the next time he wants to delve into that he ups the ante.  Spanking for instance.  The first time, it was just enough to leave my butt red for a couple of hours.  No bruising or welts.  The next time it was much more intense, and most recently very intense – I am still sporting some significant marks, lines and a few dark purple bruises from butt cheeks to the bottoms of the back of my thighs.   I think I would have hit subspace this last time if I had been allowed to.  I clearly remember getting to the point on more than one occasion that it felt like too much and my safe word was swishing around in my mouth when something would click in my mind, and while the sensation didn’t necessarily change, my involuntary reactions to it would and I would start relaxing deeply.  Then, every time at that moment, Sir would switch up the implements and it would start all over again.  At the time I found it a bit frustrating lol, but in hindsight it was most likely intentional on his end as we could only play for a set period of time as he had to go out at a certain time and me sliding into subspace wouldn’t be good knowing I had to leave in an hour or two.  I am recognizing that all the times I thought I hit subspace before, with my ex, really wasn’t it.  It was the beginning maybe, where your pain tolerance increases a little bit and you start to feel a bit dopey, but I know it can be so much more.  I think it probably a bit early for me to be able to let go enough with Sir to go there, but you never know.  I absolutely trust him.

Anyhow lovely blogging friends, what are your thoughts on rope?  Love it? Hate it?  I would love to hear about your experiences! I hope to be able to write more about mine soon!

Wearing Your Marks

Because I don’t get to see Sir very frequently (right now we are averaging every other week or so) it leaves me a lot of time to think.  I haven’t decided if this is good or bad lol but it is what it is.  I am truly happy at how much I am learning about myself since meeting him though.  I know that being a Dom must be a lot of work, but it seems so effortless to him in the moment.  That inner confidence that radiates from him, the way he is able to express his desires with a word, a whisper.  It makes me respond instantly.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is why having marks, bruises, welts, whatever is so special to me.  So important.

There’s the obvious that it serves as a lovely reminder of our time together.  And it does – every time I sat down today I was instantly taken back to that time when I was squirming under his hands/paddles/cane.  It makes it a bit hard to concentrate to be honest, but it is so so worth the distraction lol.  (and the masochist in me enjoys the little shivers of discomfort)

But it is more than that for me.  There is something so incredibly intimate about wearing the mark of someone.  It stays with me for days, a mark of being claimed, a reminder of how he took his pleasure from my body, a mark of my submission.  It centers me, calms me, makes me feel…….right.  Grounded.  It brings me back not just to the acts of that day but to the intimacy shared.  The power exchanged.  The trust I placed in his hands that day.  The fact that I am still feeling discomfort makes me feel as though I continue to submit and endure for him even though we are apart.  I hold onto that.

I have been working up the courage to ask if Sir would be interested in finding a way to help me feel as though I am submitting to him during the times between dates when I can’t see him.  I feel submissive to him, but without a way to express that I feel a bit lost.  Like I am hungry but with no food.  A dog without a bone, so to speak.  I don’t like how that feels.  Maybe a small daily task or something would help be feel calmer in between.  Anyone else feel this way?  What did you do to help that?

Sir is about to become really super busy over the next 6 weeks or so due to personal and family obligations, he seems confident that we can fit in a few dates, but it won’t be often and I think having a way to feel like I am still submitting to him will help me stay grounded in the interim. I dunno.  I am not sure still where his thoughts are so I don’t know what he would think of that.

But for now, for this week anyway, my butt and the backs of my thighs are feeling it so this subbie is content for now 🙂

Hot Red Ass

That’s a descriptive title right there.  In fact, it describes my ass perfectly lol.  Red, and hot (I mean warm, not sexy – although the men in my life would say both, bless them 😉 ) And marked up to high heaven from the cheeks to the backs of my knees and everywhere in between.

I was so crazy worried that I had put Sir off with my email last week.  Worried for nothing if my ass is any indication.  It’s going to be black and blue tomorrow (yay!).  His hands, the strap, paddles, some other unbelievably ouchie thing that had me crying out and squirming all over the place and then finally, the cane. Almost an hour of that and no doubt I will be feeling it tomorrow.  Right now everything just feels damn awesome lol.  But sitting should be interesting tomorrow.  It was basically everything I needed and more.  Right down to the grabbing my jaw and kissing me.  WE weren’t kissing.  HE was kissing me. Demanding. His way.  It was pretty knee-melty.

I also got to hear him really truly laugh for the first time today, he was more playful than usual.  All in all a really good couple of hours.  I wish I could have stayed longer, but life, ya know?  We all gotta be somewhere.  Sigh.  But (after the relentless beating my ass took) he was so gentle, so affectionate and snuggly.  I think it’s all going to work out.

My coffee date with Lisa on the weekend went really well too.  I actually really like her, we have a lot in common (besides our taste in Doms, haha) and I had a lovely time. It was nice to be able to open up about some of my past experiences. It was also great to be able to ask her some personal questions about how she truly feels about me and if I were to develop a relationship with Sir beyond play partners.  She seems pretty ok with everything so that was a weight off my chest. She says that the parameters of my relationship with Sir are for me and him to work out and that as long as she remains cared for she is happy. The last thing I want is to be the stressor in someone’s relationship.

I also got to hear Sir’s rather evil chuckle today as he forced orgasm after orgasm out of me and I was desperate to get away because holy fuck – way too sensitive!  Of course, tied up I wasn’t going to go anywhere which apparently made him quite delighted.  And clearly my body betrayed me, multiple times. Traitor. Unholy painful orgasms.  Cripes.

But it was his whispered “you are such a good girl, you did sooooo well” as we were having snuggly aftercare that made me just want to crawl into his body and live there.

It will be at least a couple of weeks before I can see him again, damn crazy schedules, but I’ll hold onto that good girl and take some pics of my pretty welts and bruises to hold onto until then. 🙂

Delayed Reaction

I am feeling a little better today.  I have to thank all you blogger friends for your support yesterday – it was a tough day and your words meant the world – you dear dear bloggers were my after care.

I think I realized one of the reasons I was hit so hard yesterday.  Sir is great post scene, he really is.  There is lots of snuggles and kisses and stroking and warmth.  It doesn’t last as long as I’d love but, you know, life.  But last time I hit a weird place after I got home – maybe you can let me know if anything similar has ever happened to you.

I got home and about 20 minutes later I was totally spaced out.  I don’t mean the nefarious “cunt brain” kind of spaced out but a border line subspace spaced out.  I was fuzzy and foggy, my pupils were dilated, I could barely string together a sentence without stuttering.  It was weird and something I have never experienced before.  It wasn’t as all encompassing that I have heard subspace is, but I was definitely out of it.  It lasted for a couple of hours, and a coffee and a shower brought me back.  What the heck?  Maybe my mood yesterday was that the aftercare happened before I needed it?  I dunno.

But my thoughts still stand that I need to just have an open conversation with Sir about all my thoughts and feelings before any more play time.  I hated feeling like I didn’t know if I could go to him with my bad feelings yesterday and I need to know where we stand on stuff like that.  And it obviously isn’t his fault if I don’t receive something I need because I haven’t told him I need it.

I messaged Sir today asking him if we could talk, that I had a lot of thoughts and questions that I would like to share if he was interested.  He says he would love to hear all my thoughts and so a good talk is now officially on the agenda.  I feel better knowing that regardless of the outcome, I will have been open and honest.

A Flogging Makes Everything Better

My cancelled date with Sir ended up happening after all today.  We still have some talking to do but for now I am feeling ok.

I will write in more detail once I am not so completely spaced out but….yum.  My ass is going to be black and blue tomorrow (god who knew I would love a whipping so much) and I am a pretty happy subbie.

Where Do I Stand?

Last night was……awkward.

It was me, Sir, and his friend? Girlfriend? Other sub?  I am not 100% sure how they define their dynamic.

Don’t get me wrong, I had fun, and it was nice and very very new to be able to be so open about this side of myself but I couldn’t help but feeling like it was some kind of three-way date type thing and I didn’t know how to handle it.  How do I act?  Where do I sit?  What do I say?  I had to work really hard the whole night not to shut down.  She was very nice and we got along very well, but I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a third wheel.  Not because I was left out – Sir was very good at making sure he was giving equal attention, it was impressive actually, but they have so much history I kind of felt like I didn’t really belong.  Probably just my own feelings and not theirs but regardless. This is to be expected, Sir and I just haven’t been seeing each other long enough to have our own history. Also my one on one time has been postponed so I was feeling kind of bummed out about that.  This subbie really needs a spanking and now I am not getting one and I am sad 😦

I have no problem that Sir is seeing her, none at all.  She is also seeing other people.  But I guess I am feeling like I don’t know where I stand.  I don’t really know what Sir wants with me.  They go places and do things – will I get to do that?  I think probably we will and we just haven’t yet because it’s only been a couple months but I am feeling a bit…..insecure.

Sir took us out for a nice dinner.  It was interesting, I got a taste of what it must be like for people in poly triad type relationships, we really did get along very well.  I think that because I don’t know where I stand I didn’t know how to act.  I m very into touch – just little touches to keep connected.  You know, a stroke on the arm, a hand on the back, a kiss on the cheek nothing too PDA, but they weren’t touching so I didn’t touch.  Ugh I guess I just found the whole night very….confusing.  Clearly I need to talk to Sir and figure out what he hopes to get from our relationship, because right now I have no idea and it is eating me up inside.  They invited me to come back and play but I declined, I was in no headspace to play and I don’t think I could with both of them until I know my role.  She is important to him, which is wonderful and I don’t resent that at all, I just want to make sure that I am important to him too.  But I don’t have a clue how to have this conversation.

So yeah.