Last night was……awkward.
It was me, Sir, and his friend? Girlfriend? Other sub? I am not 100% sure how they define their dynamic.
Don’t get me wrong, I had fun, and it was nice and very very new to be able to be so open about this side of myself but I couldn’t help but feeling like it was some kind of three-way date type thing and I didn’t know how to handle it. How do I act? Where do I sit? What do I say? I had to work really hard the whole night not to shut down. She was very nice and we got along very well, but I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a third wheel. Not because I was left out – Sir was very good at making sure he was giving equal attention, it was impressive actually, but they have so much history I kind of felt like I didn’t really belong. Probably just my own feelings and not theirs but regardless. This is to be expected, Sir and I just haven’t been seeing each other long enough to have our own history. Also my one on one time has been postponed so I was feeling kind of bummed out about that. This subbie really needs a spanking and now I am not getting one and I am sad 😦
I have no problem that Sir is seeing her, none at all. She is also seeing other people. But I guess I am feeling like I don’t know where I stand. I don’t really know what Sir wants with me. They go places and do things – will I get to do that? I think probably we will and we just haven’t yet because it’s only been a couple months but I am feeling a bit…..insecure.
Sir took us out for a nice dinner. It was interesting, I got a taste of what it must be like for people in poly triad type relationships, we really did get along very well. I think that because I don’t know where I stand I didn’t know how to act. I m very into touch – just little touches to keep connected. You know, a stroke on the arm, a hand on the back, a kiss on the cheek nothing too PDA, but they weren’t touching so I didn’t touch. Ugh I guess I just found the whole night very….confusing. Clearly I need to talk to Sir and figure out what he hopes to get from our relationship, because right now I have no idea and it is eating me up inside. They invited me to come back and play but I declined, I was in no headspace to play and I don’t think I could with both of them until I know my role. She is important to him, which is wonderful and I don’t resent that at all, I just want to make sure that I am important to him too. But I don’t have a clue how to have this conversation.