I Really Am Terrible At This Whole Blogging Thing

Jeez.  It has been ages it feels like since I have posted anything.  I have been incredibly busy and so much has happened!

Since this is a D/s blog I will focus on that side of things in my life.

Things are going very very well.  I can’t quite explain or properly describe the difference I have noticed in Sir lately.  I don’t know if it is simply that enough time now has passed and we have a better understanding of each other and we have grown closer, but it’s freakin’ awesome, whatever the reason.  I feel like there is no denying that this goes beyond play partners now, which is great 🙂

Sir and his primary and I are spending a lot of time together the three of us as well which has been working out wonderfully.  Not sexy times either!  Just hanging out, dining, cuddling together etc. time.  There is something so special about being in that situation and it not being awkward, or competitive, no jealousy or weirdness.  Just a mutual respect, caring and understanding.  We haven’t all played together yet, but I imagine it is only a matter of time.

I also attended a play party which was pretty amazing!  I will keep those details private though for now 😉

Sir and I had a good talk about tasks and have come up with a few that we both felt were a good fit, and I am really enjoying that aspect of things so far.  It helps give a place for my submission to go in-between visits, which has been so invaluable to me.  I already feel calmer and more centered just knowing that there are still ways I am able to submit even when I am not with him.  It’s a really big deal to me.  It also has made me feel more secure in my relationship.  Especially because these tasks aren’t sexual in nature (ie; no naked pics or anything like that lol) it makes me feel as though he views me as worth the extra effort he is now putting in to help me manage certain things through these tasks.

Not the best update I am afraid – but I am literally on my way out the door again, but I wanted to at least express just how happy I am these days 🙂

Much love to my lovely blogging friends!

xo

Fantasy

Me again!

Recently I have had this running fantasy in my head.  it pops in and out throughout the day for the last few days.

Very recently I have discovered that I absolutely LOVE caning.  It doesn’t take very long for me to start feeling like my body is literally melting into the surface below and my breathing deepens.  Sir and I have only just begun to explore my love of caning – he is VERY good at it, and at making it good for me.  So we haven’t had a super long caning scene yet, but it is on the menu for very soon (yay!).

So that brings me to my fantasy.  I have the fantasy of being at a play party (with Sir of course) and he begins the caning scene with me.  He canes me for a good long while to get me to that mushy happy melty place and then, once I am in that “I really could care less about what’s going on around me just don’t stop what you are doing” place other people begin to take their turns at caning me.  One after another.  I imagine this going on for a long time until I am essentially on another planet after which Sir brings me back down to earth (it’s a necessary part of this for me that he doesn’t leave me at any point, always the careful observer).

I seriously cannot stop thinking about this.

I think it partly stems from the fact that I have a couple play parties coming up and while I am nervous as I have never been to one (and am not currently planning on playing, just observing and getting to know people) I can’t help but feeling like it would be so amazing to live out a fantasy like that.

Caning is one of those polarizing elements of BDSM I find, people either tend to love it or absolutely hate it.  I was terrified at the very thought before I had actually tried it.  Now it is one of the few things that I could never ever give up.

So there you have it – perhaps something I should add to my bucket list?

It’s Been Too Long!

It’s been WAY too long since I have written my lovely blogging friends!  I do have a good reason though!  I was away for almost a week so that took up my time, and I am so glad to be back.

Today was an….interesting…day.  I had/have a serious case of “cunt brain”.  God I still love that term!  I could hardly focus at work for my insane super horniness.  I don’t know what the heck has gotten into me but I am literally dying over here.  And no simple sex is going to cut it.  I need it all.  The pain, the moans, the multiple orgasms, the submission.  I need it hard and intense.  I need the “good girls” and the orders. DYING OVER HERE.

I was able to have an unexpected date with Sir before my trip which was nice, I was so happy not to have to wait another 2 weeks like I thought!  I still have the bruises – on my ass, my inner thighs and one nice one on one breast (hooray for post scene bruises!).  I felt a bit off that date though – I don’t know if it was because a whole month had gone by since  I had seen him last but I was feeling really self-conscious and body insecure.  I am almost always a bit insecure about certain areas of my body but I have, for the most part, gotten over it with Sir and am able to forget about it fairly soon into a scene when we are together.  Not this time.  I had a hard time getting out of my own head, and although Sir says I did “perfectly” I could feel the difference in myself and I hated that.  I also had to call yellow at one point – things just got too ouchie.  There’s this one implement that he uses that for some reason the sensations I can only take for a very brief amount of time.  Cane me, flog me, spank me, whatever – I’ll cry and squirm and beg but I will want more and more and more – but this thing I just can’t handle.  I don’t even fully know what it is cause I can’t see it and never think to ask afterwards cause I am too out of it to do so LOL.

Sir’s primary have become great friends, in other news, and it is lovely.  We are getting together the 3 of us this weekend and I am super excited, although a little nervous if Sir wants us to all play – which he most likely will (although I know he won’t push the issue if I am not feeling comfortable with that).  I don’t know what will happen but I am happy to see what happens naturally and go from there.  This is the first poly type situation like this (where we all know and spend time together) I have ever been in and I am loving it.  Once I got over the initial insecurity of my place in it (well mostly got over anyway) I was able to really just go with the flow and I absolutely love spending time with both of them together for many reasons, but one of which is how absolutely refreshing it is to be able to spend time together and it not be awkward or uncomfortable. I am repeatedly amazed at her willingness and ability to share a part of him with me so genuinely and to be totally happy that him and I are also together. I actually enjoy seeing them together and have encouraged her to feel free to be as affectionate with him as she wants to be while I am around.  I am still figuring out myself how to act around him when she is there so I am just going to take his lead on it.  She has promised to communicate openly with me if there is anything I do that makes her upset or uncomfortable and give me a chance to change my approach before she gets angry – her and I have talked at length about this and so far we are totally on the same page.

Part of me REALLY hopes that I will end up being comfortable enough for some play because good god do I ever need it right now.  Again, if it happens naturally then I will go with it, or try to at least.  Agh if only I could get out of my own head more.

I am really hoping for an overnight date with Sir one of these times soon – I really want to be able to let go fully.  Cry, scream, whatever.  I’d love to hit subspace, but even just the catharsis of crying would be so welcome right now – I can feel it bubbling up inside me, but it needs me to have a serious painful work over for it to come out.  So far we have always had somewhere to be after – either me or him, so there’s only so far you can go when you know that ultimately there is a time limit on your scene.  I had mentioned needing a really intense long scene to Sir’s primary and she was the one actually who recommended making plans for a weekend night so I could just sleep over and not need to worry about needing to be somewhere.  Have I said how awesome poly can be when you are all on the same page?  So I think if I need it, and she has no problem with it then Sir might be happy to oblige one of these days 🙂

Anyway, I need to get a hold of these freaking hormones or whatever it is that is making me a wet, needy, horny mess right now – but please keep your fingers crossed that my insecurities don’t get in the way this weekend so I can have some kinky fun lol

Anyone else in this blogging world been in a situation where they have been one of 2 subs playing under one Dom at the same time for the first time?  I have before, but never as the “secondary” so maybe that is where my insecurity is coming from, I don’t know.  But I would love to hear your advice or your experiences.  Neither Sir nor his gf are pressuring me, they have let me know they are more than happy just to have my company that night so I don’t feel pressure, more just frustration at this mental block I have set up in my own brain.  I’d love to get over it.

1 Month

It’s been a month since I have seen Sir.  Ugh.

As you know I was having a really hard time earlier this week (Thanks Mother Nature) but I am feeling mostly over the crazies.  A surprise late night text from Sir helped.  Just to tell me he was thinking of me and wanted to touch base before he went away on a trip for a week.  It’s amazing how just something little like that can help lift the fog and make me feel connected again 🙂

I am still jonesing for some, any, way to submit but I will just have to be patient until we can have that talk about tasks.  I am both really excited and nervous about that.  I have never done the task thing before, so I don’t know how I will respond to it.  I tend to sometimes get caught up in feeling silly about certain things, although interestingly enough those are often the things that I think about and crave the most.  I have written about submissive poses before and how I absolutely love them but I also really struggle when Sir asks me to name and demonstrate them for him.  I almost feel as though I am performing for him.  D/s carries so many odd dichotomies like that doesn’t it?  I think the allure is it is doing the things that make me the most uncomfortable, the ones that stretch me personally like that (in a good way) that I feel the most submissive.  I have a feeling that tasks will have a similar effect.  Or at least I hope they do.  I just want to make sure that this is something he will derive some satisfaction or enjoyment from.  If it is going to just be a chore than I don’t want that at all.

Sir’s girlfriend/sub and I have plans for the weekend – I really enjoy her company, although I don’t exactly know where it is going or what her expectations are, but I am looking forward to continuing to get to know her better in any event.

So that’s about it for me today folks, nothing new to report on the D/s level this week unfortunately.  Hoping that will change sooner rather than later!

What Say You Lovely Bloggers?

Hello lovely blogging friends!

I had a question, almost a survey of sorts for those of you who are in D/s relationships.

It’s about tasks (for lack of a better word).

Basically what I have been struggling with a lot lately in feeling the need to submit when apart from Sir and not having a way to do that (although truth be told I think just having some freaking patience is an exercise in submission all in itself!) haha

I mentioned in my last post that I didn’t think Sir and I were there yet (or if it will ever be a part of our dynamic due to me not being his primary D/s relationship, or he may not even have any interest in this kind of thing, I don’t know yet) regarding him setting tasks for me.  By tasks I really just mean something for me to do for him so that I can feel as though I am submitting to him even when we are apart.  I feel like this would be hugely comforting for me and ease some of the edginess I feel when more than a week or two goes by in-between dates. Being halfway through a 6 week (or more) period of absence due to crazy busy schedules and travel on both of our parts I am really really struggling with my submission and no where to place it!

I see many of your blogs where your blog in itself is a task set to you by your d-types, for some it is sending a text with specific content or a picture every day, or going to bed at a certain time, others have dietary or exercise rules or restrictions etc. etc.  The list could go on.  I am open to pretty much anything, provided it is something I can do without it interfering with my work or family.  I don’t know if it would help me in these in-between times but I have to think it will.  I know it is something I would like to experience.

My problem is this:  I am too scared to ask.  Part of me feels like if this was something he was interested in doing he would have brought it up already.  (logic says we are still new and he may just not realize that I would be ok with that this early in the game).  I also feel like it must be like, work for the Dom.  I feel like I would be essentially asking him to put yet another thing on his plate by giving me a task and holding me accountable to it.  I certainly do not, in any way, wish to become a chore for him.  I shudder at the thought of that.

What are your thoughts, friends?  I would love to hear the perspective of both s and D types on this if you have a moment.  If this is something you have in your dynamic how did it come about?  If not, have you talked about it?  I am open to hearing other’s experiences 🙂

I kind of put the feelers out by just asking him what his opinion on setting tasks was so once I get a reply maybe that will clear things up a bit.  But actually saying “hey I would love for you to add even more to your schedule and responsibilities by giving me some tasks and them holding me accountable to them.”  I know communication is key, and this is definitely NOT a deal breaker type thing for me – we’ve had some great talks as you all know and are in a really good place.  I just feel a bit…..lost when too long goes by and I have to keep my inner subbie locked in a box.

Thanks for letting me ramble, as always

I Don’t Like Wartenburg Wheels and Other Surprises

Sorry friends!  It’s been a while since I have written.  Actually I have not come even nearly close to my personal commitment of blogging daily.  Honestly I think I would probably bore you all to tears if I did LOL.  My day to day life is not all that edge-of-your-seat exciting!

I blogged briefly about Sir having me at his feet, head in his lap while he asked about my day.  It was a turning point in my submission.  I can’t quite explain it, but it felt so amazing to be in that position, having his hands stroke my hair with so much tenderness while he expressed interest in the mundane moments of my day.  I felt submissive and so so calm.  Honestly if that was all we did that day that would have been enough for me.  I want to feel very much in my place.  I think that is why I love the poses so much, nothing hammers home my position as something like that.  I feel obedient and on display for him and while it makes me blush from my head to my feet I love every single second of it.

I was away for a week on vacation and received a surprise text from him telling me he was thinking of me and just wanted to say hello.  I had been having a bad day.  I was grumpy and homesick and strangely feeling almost sub droppy. I don’t know why as almost a week had gone by since we played but that is the best way I can describe my mood.  I was feeling insecure in my place with Sir and wondering if I was truly important to him at all.  There was no reason to make me feel this way but I did anyway.  But then, as if he could sense my mood from hundreds of miles away he sent me that message.  And all was right in my world again.

I also got the surprise that I may get to see him this weekend, even though I didn’t expect to for another 2 or 3 weeks.  So I am a very happy subbie at this point!

Last date Sir had me in some very interesting bondage that had me completely immobilized.  And he used a multitude of instruments on me but what had me almost safe-wording surprisingly enough was a wartenburg wheel!  He has used one on me before but I have now learned that there are many different kinds, some much much more evil LOL.  The first time it wasn’t uncomfortable at all, and I remember thinking what is the big deal with these things?  But then this last time OH MY GOD.  It felt like I was being sliced with a hot knife.  Or what I imagine being sliced with a hot knife would feel like.  And try as I might I was not able to squirm away from this now much hated object and it had me almost crying it was so intense.  I had NO idea.  I didn’t safe word, although damn did I come close.  I am pretty sure I don’t like those things.  I am considering telling Sir that maybe he should keep those on the punishment only shelf, lol.  Not that we have a punishment dynamic (I’m a good girl 😉 ) but it is something that won’t make me safeword but I definitely do not like!  That being said I still enjoyed every second of our date because it was new, I learned something about myself and I was proud that I was able to endure it for him without breaking down. Much.

Sir also stayed true to his commitment of spending more time with me, we actually fell asleep all wrapped up in each other afterwards which was a surprise lol, but lovely 🙂

I can’t wait to see him next.  I am definitely becoming attached.  Not in a crazy can’t live without you in love kind of way but in an affectionate, caring, very much ‘in-like” kind of way which is much healthier and lovely for me 🙂

At Your Feet

I finally know what it’s like.

To kneel at your Dom’s feet.

Sir had me kneel, naked at his feet while he sat on the couch.  He guided my head to rest on his lap and he stroked my hair while he asked me all about my day, my submission and myself.

It doesn’t sound like much but it was a profound moment for me.

It set the tone, and I felt small and submissive, safe and cared for.

It was beautiful.

Poses

It’s been waaaaaay too long since I have been able to be lost (and found) in my submission.

I know that many of you are in long distance relationships or for other reasons are not able to see your D-type very often, but for me, 2 weeks is about my max. I respect you so much for that – I am not sure I could do it.  It’s been 3 weeks for me now.  And boy am I feeling it.

The good news is I only have to wait another 2.5 days until I see Sir and I can’t wait. This will be the first time we play since laying all the cards out on the table.  I look forward to being able to play without all of that junk floating around in my brain.  To be able to relax into my submission knowing that all is well, that we are on the same page, and knowing that if I am able to fully let go and end up with possible subdrop as a result that he will be there for me.  I am also really looking forward to this time because it comes with the promise of hang out time afterwards so things won’t be rushed, we can take our time.  Yay!

How does going past your personal no play time limit affect you?

I know for me, I feel restless, antsy and cranky.  The craving for me is visceral.  I can literally almost taste it.  It’s like something is constantly missing.  The princess and the pea effect – no matter how many mattresses you pile up on things you can still feel that damned pea.  And it just makes you….uncomfortable.  That’s how I feel.

As far as “kinks” go I think I miss impact play the most.  From spanking to flogging to caning – impact play is one of my must-have kinks.  I adore it and how it makes me feel.  But I will admit that since seeing Sir the things I crave have changed up a bit – the things that pop into my head and bring me momentarily to my submissive head space are changing.  While yes, I absolutely miss the impact play and the bondage – and I really really want some good lasting marks after next date, that’s not all I miss, or even at the forefront.  Lately, what I find popping into my head are…positions.  Poses.  Now I know that submissive poses are sometimes considered pretty oldschool and I read on fet all kinds of subs who scoff at the idea, but Sir is into it big time, and is teaching me exactly what pose he expects on a word.  And I freaking ADORE this.  I would have never thought that this part of our play would become so important to me, but there is something about the obedience, the formality of posing in a desired way that immediately makes me very aware of my place, and sets the tone of our time together.  At the same time giving me a weird almost embarrassed tingly feeling that I have never experienced before but am really really enjoying.  It has the same effect on me as simply calling him “Sir”.  It is something I have never done before and it gives me a weird but delicious feeling. These are the things incorporated in our play that makes me feel like a sub as opposed to a bottom, which for my personal experience is important. Oh how things have changed for me compared to my last bdsm relationship.

Change.  Change is very very good.

Communication

So this has been a good week for a multitude of reasons.

Work has been going more smoothly than it has in a while thank goodness, so I haven’t had that chicken with it’s head cut off feeling.  We are settling into Summer vacation mode quite nicely too and I am enjoying more time with my family, lots of backyard time, gardening and the like.

Mostly though, Sir and I have had a good talk, face to face and got things out on the table and sorted.  The talk happened a couple of days earlier than expected, which was great (less time to fret and worry!) and all in all I am feeling much calmer.

I was able to lay out exactly what I needed and tried to explain why I had been feeling a bit un-cared for, which he admitted he could totally understand.  He stated that he does indeed care for, like and respect me and that he was very happy to hear the specific things I need to feel cared for so that he can do his best to provide those things – all of which he says he has no problem with providing.  So I think that for the foreseeable future, we are on the same page.  I will get more one on one vanilla time (mostly post play which is when I need it most – but other times as well schedules permitting), and also have the option to let him know any time I am struggling with subdrop or anything else and that he is happy to provide reassurance in those times.  And that he never thought of me as “just a play thing”, hence the reason he has made an effort to introduce me to is friends etc.  I know I won’t have any issues with affection (another one of my “needs”) because he has always been very affectionate when we are one on one.

We both agreed that we probably should have discussed this a few months ago when we started on this journey, but better late than never LOL.  In this case, it has all turned out OK.  But I would definitely recommend those starting out, to discuss not only your limits and kinky compatibility but also what happens when you are not “playing” and making sure your expectations match up.  Doing that would have cause me so much less anxiety and inner turmoil this last month or so.

Talking it out has made me feel a million times better and I am looking forward to continuing to explore my submission fully now that I know that the man I am exploring it with is someone who wants to hear what is going on in my head and is interested and caring for me as a person, both vanilla and submissive.

So yay me!  (Hopefully a more “sexy” post to come soon, fingers crossed!)

Frenzy.

So I have been doing a lot of thinking this past couple of days.  A self professed over-thinker this comes as no surprise, but in light of Sir and I’s upcoming conversation I knew that some delving into myself and trying to figure out what it is that I really want was necessary.

A few things I have discovered.  One, I have been in the throes of sub-frenzy!  Yup, there I said it.  I hate admitting that!  I have to apologize right now to anyone who has ever experienced sub frenzy before.  Historically whenever I heard this term I kind of scoffed to myself.  I always assumed that me, being the mature together woman that I am that it simply indicated a lack of self-control.  That it would never be an issue with me because I was a grown ass woman for crying out loud!  But alas, here I am.  Knowing that this is likely what I have been experiencing though has put perspective on everything and has allowed me to relax now and I feel much more clear headed.

The one thing I miss with my ex is the passion.  That all consuming crazy animal like passion we had for each other.  Now, I would never ever go back to that because that passion came along with so many damaging elements that I can’t imagine willingly going back to but I do miss it.

BUT.  What I failed to realize, is that despite the fact that Sir and I do not have a romantic relationship, when we are playing there IS passion.  There is connection, and energy, synergy, lust and desire.  It’s different, Sir is more controlled and deliberate than my ex, but it is definitely there.  I can feel it in the way he kisses me – you can’t fake a good kiss people.

I also realized that everything I “need” from this relationship can, indeed, be found within the dynamic between two close friends who trust, like and care for each other.  The fact is, Sir has a primary relationship.  I also have a primary relationship.  This is not going to change, and I don’t want it to.  So by keeping the “romance” out of the equation it provides a fun and less….messy way of connecting with someone in that way.

When I wrote to Sir stating that I needed a D/s relationship he, understandably, interpreted that as me wanting a romantic one.  Maybe for a second I thought I did, but I know now that was sub frenzy talking.  I wanted it ALL!  Right now!  Now!  But after reflecting for a bit I realize that all I really want or need is to feel affection, caring, respect, and a general enjoyment of each other’s company.  Sound’s a lot like good friends, doesn’t it?  Yes it does.

So yes, I do need a bit more one on one vanilla time, especially after a play session, to help me transition better back into “real” life and to ensure I feel valued as a person and not just for play – which I plan on letting him know that when we sit down and talk next week, but other than that I think he is perfectly capable of giving me what I need – in fact, I think he has been already, I was just too frantic to notice.

I also realized that what labels he chooses to put on our dynamic doesn’t really matter.  I don’t plan on submitting to another man other than him, I just don’t roll that way personally, so as long as he understands that then I don’t care if he sees me as his “official” sub or not.  He is my Dom. To me.  In my mind.  And outside of that we will be close friends who understand each other and relate to one another in a special and intimate way.  More than “friends with benefits” but not significant others.

In other news, I am craving a spanking (and impact play in general) something fierce.  I really need that pain, that pushing me right up against my limits to help me feel sated, centered and calm.  Balanced.  It has been way too long – 2 weeks without really is my limit, after which I start feeling really edgy and squirrly.  So That might have been adding to my general moodiness as well.  It’s another thing I will be bringing up in our conversation.  If I am feeling sub droppy or really edgy and needy for some play how do I approach him about that?  How can I do it in a way that let’s him know how I am feeling without being pushy or demanding?

This conversation will be super tough for this super shy girl here but so necessary, and to be honest I am already feeling more relaxed just knowing that very soon we will have everything out on the table and can go from there.

Anyway that is all the introspection I have in me for now!  Hope all you lovely Bloggers are having a wonderful day! xx