Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written.  No particular reason, just super busy with normal vanilla life type stuff.

I have been a bit of a basket case this last 4 or 5 days.  Again, no particular reason although I am expecting my period this week so that most likely has something to do with it.  I tend to get even more overly emotional than usual around this time of the month, I just have a more difficult time handling and filtering my stress and I feel all gross and bloated and back painy and well, you get the idea.  No fun to be around basically.  My poor hubby, he puts up with a lot lol.

Sir has been out of town for a bit so there were a few days of zero contact, which is fine, he did send a nice text before he left and one upon his return with I thought was nice.

I find myself getting into a bit of an unhealthy pattern though that I need to break ASAP.  I absolutely love our play sessions together, the play itself, the closeness afterwards, admiring the marks on my body for a few days (I still have a few a week later!) but inevitably after the glow fades I come back to the reality that I really still have no idea where I stand.  I know he is wanting to see me more, he has said so clearly.  And I can’t imagine that he would be sending me a sweet text every morning if he wasn’t interested.  Very likely all this is just in my head.  But we don’t get a chance to just, you know, talk.  Every time I see him I am naked in seconds and so distracted by by reactions to him that next thing I know we are knee deep in play time and after play I can barely string together a sentence, let alone have a serious conversation.

Sir is terrible at texting.  I know this so usually I don’t get too bent out of shape when occasionally he doesn’t reply for a few hours.  I get it, people get busy, they have work or life needs that need addressing first sometimes.  But sometimes I can’t help but feel a bit hurt when I ask a specific question or express a concern and hours upon hours later there hasn’t been a reply.

Today for example, I asked if he would like to go for coffee tomorrow on my lunch break from work.  I have a flexible schedule so I don’t have to go or be back from lunch at specific times, as long as I don’t spend all day away I am generally trusted to get my work done.  I know Sir has the week off work so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to spend an hour with no chance of playing so that we could just chat and get to know each other outside of D/s a bit more.

It’s been almost 7 hours now and no reply.  Not even a “hey let me get back to you on that” which I would have been totally fine with.  Generally speaking I am pretty easy going.  If you are busy no worries!  I am not in a rush, nor do I expect you to drop everything to see me.  But surely, in the space of 7 hours you could take 30 seconds to shoot me a quick text message?  Am I being unreasonable?

Ugh.  I just feel really frustrated and to be honest, a little un-valued.  I cannot do this casual submission thing.  In my opinion, casual playing is NOT D/s, it’s just kink.  D/s indicates a relationship of some sort.  And while I am remaining very open minded as to how that relationship could be defined I am not content or fulfilled by casual play.  I need more.  Not a lot more, but more.

Our last date I felt so good about.  He is a very self contained person, so it was extremely gratifying to see him relax and become a bit more playful with me.  I just am feeling so confused.  Why go out of your way to say good morning and send x’s and o’s to someone if you are not interested in spending time with them?  Am I just being kept on retainer for a rainy day?

I don’t know how to address how I am feeling.  I am not even sure how I am feeling.  I am not looking for any specific commitment, or exclusivity or anything like that, but even if we are only friends – friends hang out sometimes right!?  I know he has been super busy, and I know it’s not been bullshit busy, he has been for real crazy busy.  So I am trying to be patient and cut him some slack.  I’d write him another email, but he hasn’t even really addressed the first one I wrote and if I can’t pin him down long enough to grab a coffee then I am seriously wondering if I am just wasting my time?  I don’t need to “define” our relationship I just want to know that he cares and that I am not an after thought.  I am getting hugely mixed signals from him.  And mostly I am just really disappointed.  I never in a million years thought he would be inconsiderate, but I am feeling really unimportant right about now.

He says he can’t wait to see me again, but am I to just be content with waiting around until he decides that I am worth the time?  Am I just being ridiculous?

Fuck.

Advice: Talk about this shit BEFORE you get involved. Not just hard limits and kinks list.  Talk about what you need as well. I didn’t and now I have no one to blame but myself here.  Now I just don’t know how to fix it without coming across as a crazy person.

And of course, all of this could just be the fact that I am expecting my period and therefore pretty much hate everything and take everything way too personally.

Yeah, that’s probably it.

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8 thoughts on “Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck

  1. Nothing will get solved if you don’t at least talk about it. You need to know what he wants out of this and whether it meshes with what you want, and yes, besides just the kink. I’ve turned away men because all they want is the kink because I know my needs involve a more cerebral level and deeper commitment. It can be fun for a while having the kink part of your needs met but eventually it wears thin if the rest isn’t met. So talk about it. If it were me, I’d refuse any more play sessions until he can find the time to sit down and have a meaningful conversation. Just sayin’, otherwise listen to your instincts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No you are absolutely right. To be fair, I genuinely don’t think he is deliberately avoiding it I just think he doesn’t realize how I am feeling, which is my fault. So time to pull up my big girl panties and just spit it out I guess!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. It sounds like you two need to set up a date where you pre-negotiate that there is NO play, and just talk. If you want a relationship with him outside of play, it’s imperative. My boyfriend moves slower than molasses in the D/s play area, but being a newbie, I’m glad we’re getting to know each other well first…as frustrating as it can be at times, I will concede this lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes very very true. I think it will probably all end up ok (in fact, shortly after posting I got a message from him inviting me out for dinner with him and some friends of his so clearly he is interested in spending non-kink time) I just have to recognize that I will never get what I don’t ask for and that as observant as he is he isn’t a mind reader so while in his mind all may very well be fine, I can’t expect him to know instinctively that I am in turmoil. Ugh I wish I was braver, then I would have handled this ages ago. sigh. #shygirlproblems

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m lucky…I know my poly hubs/Dom isn’t going anywhere, so I’m good there. It’s the relationship with my boyfriend that’s newer and we’re still really getting to know each other.
        *hugs* it’ll straighten itself out.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes I know it will. And I hear you, my hubby isn’t going anywhere so that comforts me, but I really do need a D/s relationship as well in my life to feel fulfilled and centered. I think once we talk and I have a better idea of where things stand I will be able to settle a bit. Right now I just feel kind of all over the place lol. But yes, it will get straightened out, one way or the other. Thanks for your support 🙂

        Like

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