Today was a hard day.
It was one of those days at my job where my job was just fucking hard and I struggled to get through it and ended the day feeling like I really didn’t accomplish much. I certainly didn’t accomplish as much as I set out to and it’s a bummer because a project deadline is coming up and I may need to put in some overtime to get back on track.
It was also a hard day for my inner sub. A surprisingly emotional one, and one that brought up some nasty feelings from my previous relationship that I didn’t even realize were there.
Sir and I were discussing plans for our upcoming date when he surprised me with the announcement that I would be meeting one of his play partners, another sub (well, switch I guess is more accurate) who had been wanting to meet me. We would all have coffee and see where things progressed.
I totally panicked. As in tears poured out of my eyes without warning and I had to double time it from my desk at work to the bathroom to literally just breathe and cry. What. The. Fuck. I decided to take an early lunch and just go sit and try to think about where this was coming from. I knew he played with other people and that wasn’t it – I seriously don’t mind that. For real.
After some time thinking (and after a message from him, as he could tell I wasn’t keen, stating that it was just something he was excited to explore with me and that there was absolutely no pressure if I wasn’t into the idea) I figured out a few things.
One: I felt like this was way too soon, I feel like I am still trying to get a handle on how I feel about him, and me, and what our relationship dynamic even is or could be, throwing another person in the mix was not going to be good for my confidence. I didn’t feel jealous, just unsure of where I stood. And to be honest, while I don’t have a problem playing with a third, I don’t know that I could do it if not in a full D/s relationship. Ie; me and my Dom playing with someone else, together. I don’t know how to do this casually. I don’t know how I would feel special in this situation. (he did hint that he kinda knew that as his suggestion was for her to play a dominant role with him, so that their attention was on me as opposed to on each other, so that I didn’t feel that way – which was thoughtful but I don’t know if it would be enough….at the moment).
Two: I was absolutely, panic attack level terrified to tell him I didn’t want to do it. It took me a bit to figure out where this stems from but I know now. In my last “relationship” I wasn’t allowed to say I didn’t want to do something. I wasn’t allowed to express any displeasure (even if it was something never previously discussed). Sometimes even me saying “sorry I can’t get together tonight as I have friends coming over” was enough to be told I wasn’t a good sub, or he would seem totally understanding and then punish me for it later. I was constantly walking on eggshells and afraid to have an opinion about anything. So when Sir asked (not demanded, just asked) if I would be interested in doing this I freaked. I knew that I wasn’t, that it felt too soon, my emotions are still too jumbled, but I was so scared to say so. Just like before.
But. Sir is NOT my ex. Not even close. We are still getting to know each other, he isn’t making any demands on me yet outside of our play time. I knew that even though this was a completely involuntary reaction on my part, Sir did not deserve this fear. I also knew I had to speak up and let him into my head a bit.
I told him that it felt too soon. And while I wasn’t against the idea, I needed more time to get to know him and sort that out before playing with anyone else together. I also told him I was afraid to disappoint him. I confessed that I was struggling with the casualness of our relationship and while not complaining I was still learning and processing this, and how I feel and I don’t seem to be able to be a part time submissive – that after I go home from seeing him, I haven’t been able to turn my submission for him off. It was actually really difficult for me to write that because I didn’t want to come across as too needy and I wanted to be clear that I had no real issues, I just needed to sort through my thoughts, and that I needed to feel special and didn’t know if I could do that yet with another sub playing.
I didn’t know how he would respond, but, as usual he was wonderful. He wrote back saying my feeling are totally understandable and valid and that we could just go for a 100% casual coffee with this woman, just to meet and greet, see if we click, and him and I would continue with our plans of having some one on one time the next day. To say I feel relieved is a huge understatement. I just can’t submit “for fun”. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it just doesn’t work for me. It’s too raw and emotional. Submission without emotion just feels too empty for me (for me personally, no judgements for those that can). I feel like I finally gave Sir a bit of insight to that more emotional side of myself and to have him say OK, let’s just play you and me then, instead of running was a huge relief. Sir says he wants to know all of my thoughts, but he won’t pressure me into revealing any that I am not comfortable with. He must have an idea how I feel. Even if I don’t fully understand it myself. It’s like this in the beginning for me, it’s all feelings and excitement and unsuredness and it overwhelms me. It will eventually even out and hopefully bloom into something real, but either way I am just grateful that he understands. He really is special.
I HATE the fact that I clearly have some baggage though. All I have been feeling for the most part is relief that I am out of my previous relationship. I escaped. I managed to break free. It’s a good thing we are over. I don’t love him anymore and while I may miss the good times, I know that those good times weren’t really real and I refuse to pine for something that never existed. But that sickening feeling that came over me when I felt like I might disappoint Sir was…..scary. I didn’t realize that I had a scar like that. It makes me worried what other scars are left behind that I don’t know about.