I know I already posted today but I still have so much stuff jangling around in my brain that I had to get it out. I don’t promise any of this will make sense so I apologize if that’s the case.
D/s makes me think. Sometimes too much. I feel like I am not a neurotic person, but I am in the grips of a whirlwind and I am trying to stay centered. I feel like there is so much I want to say to Him, want to ask Him, want to get to know about Him but I don’t know how. When we are playing, I know exactly what to do (what I am told) and how to act (genuinely). I don’t question anything (oh the freedom of submission!). But when the blindfold comes off, with it rushes back my shyness. It’s stupid really, how can I possibly feel shy after what we have just done!? But I don’t know how to act. I think I still feel submissive to Him, regardless of what we are doing, regardless of whether or not we are in the same room. And that is something I have never experienced before and I don’t know how to handle it.
I am so happy. But I am also so completely raw. It’s not like this for Him I know. I don’t think it is anyway.
He strips more than my clothes when we are together. He strips my skin, muscles, bones. Right down to my soul. I’ve given it up. And yet I am holding back.
I have mentioned before that my submission is largely linked to my emotions. Yes I love all the kinky sexy fun times, but the submission, there’s gotta be something emotional for me to bite into for that. Initially a connection, an attraction. I have to be moved. And I have been. Moved. But that full submission, the submission I crave so desperately, that needs more. More than just connection. It needs emotion. I need to feel like I can feel all the feels and it will be embraced. Welcomed. Nurtured. Arms wide take me in. I need to feel safe. Emotionally. I need to feel small and cradled and held.
Now it is too early in the game for the real deep feels (or is it?). I know this. But I can feel it’s going that way. For me. Every encounter leaves me a little more bare. I leave Him with a piece of me that I can no longer put back on. And I am terrified.
When do you stop holding back? When do you know it’s safe? When do you jump?
I crave the stripping but what happens when I am bare if He is still fully covered?
Anyway. I am tired and my mind gets all….wiggly and weird when I am tired.