Past Hurts

I am honored to have those of you who have followed this blog follow me!  And I am using that to ask…well, some advice.

I touched extremely briefly on my previous dom (not capitalizing for a reason).  I didn’t want to bring him up in this blog at all, but I am wondering about something and I need some advice for those of you in the lifestyle.

A brief history.  My ex and I were together for about 4 years.  There were many red flags that I saw (which I recognize now as him being a compulsive liar, a narcissist and a sex addict) and recognized them for being such even, but let them go because in the end, I cared deeply for him.  He was my first Dom, and I didn’t know what I would do without that in my life and I couldn’t fathom meeting anyone else I felt such a connection with.  Stupid, but there it is.  Things over the final 2 years were going wonderfully.  He praised me regularly for being his “perfect sub” and I was basking in it.  Until it wasn’t good anymore.  It started slowly.  A trickle of confusion for me, things he would say, causing doubt.  He would have moments of being truly mean.  And it would leave me breathless and desperate to just make things better.

I started being told that I wasn’t a very good sub, or that I must not truly be his, if I didn’t do certain things.  I will clarify that these were things that I was not physically capable of doing due either to the extremely painful nature of them or to my own physical health issues.  Or to them being one of my few hard limits.  I would beg for slight modifications that would allow me to be able to do more, take more, for him, but I was informed that “doms do not compromise.  Subs do.” And that if I wasn’t able to “shut the fuck up and please my dom” then I clearly didn’t understand this dynamic.  I was also told that after this long there should be no place for a safeword and if, on the odd occasion I used one – he would continue for another 30 seconds before finally stopping and just walk away, often leaving me a sobbing mess on the floor somewhere.  I would be told that when I was ready to apologize and continue, to let him know.  In the end, I was afraid.  He wasn’t always like this, only sometimes, and I never knew what was OK, what wasn’t, and I was terrified to use my safeword but then I became terrified of playing all together because I knew I would probably end up needing one because he was so rough.  Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy pain, I love rough sometimes too, but this went outside my limits, I was told I was not allowed to have limits after all this time and they were a sign of not trusting him.  I also discovered that I was one of many women, and of multiple subs, which if discussed previously I know is often not an issue for couples but most definitely was never discussed with me.

He ended things (because I was being a “whiny bitch” in his words) and when, a week later he asked me if I wanted to give it another go, and that he still loved and missed me I said no.  Despite the fact that I know this wasn’t healthy, and I feel like it may have even been abusive, it was still very very hard.  I waited a while before I knew I was ready to seek someone else.

The worst thing is he really did manage to make me doubt myself, I did wonder if I was truly a sub, he made me feel selfish because as he saw it, I was placing myself before my master and that’s not my role. I considered giving up this side of myself all together.

I did get over it obviously, have now met Sir (although I don’t know where that is going yet) and I feel so….grateful.  I left that night with Sir with this overwhelming feeling of “This. THIS is what it is supposed to feel like.  THIS is what I have wanted.”  Despite the fact that I spent the evening being flogged, obeying orders and being fucked in the ass I have never felt so appreciated or pampered.  I pleased him and it felt wonderful.  It made me fully realize just what a narcissistic asshole my last “dom” was and how I was lucky to get out of there without being seriously damaged in some way.

But my question now is, do I tell Sir all of this?  And if so, when – now?  When/if things become more established?  I do not feel like I have baggage per say, like I said I am now truly glad to be rid of him and I am only so grateful to Sir for showing me the way it should be.  I am so afraid of “bringing up the ex” talk.  I don’t want to come across as having baggage, but at the same time I wish I could express how truly amazing I think Sir is.  And I feel like, if he were to become “my Dom” he should probably have a better understanding of my D/s past.  Or does it matter?  Does only the present truly matter?

Sigh.  I am maybe over-thinking things and I definitely need a good spanking LOL.  Just this wonderful experience brought up some emotions about my ex, mostly a profound relief, but also some anger too – for ever making me self-doubt.  But anger isn’t a very useful emotion and I certainly do not want any of this to impact a potential relationship with Sir.

Help?

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13 thoughts on “Past Hurts

  1. Hey lady! I would probably go ahead and tell him. I just believe in being honest with your Dom and disclosing past relationship issues. I don’t consider it baggage just knowledge about you. I don’t know if I’m wording everything right. But if it were me, I would tell him. Maybe you can bring it up in a nonchalant way like, I know they say you are supposed to ask potential Dom’s about their past relationships and how they ended, blah, blah…maybe after he answers you he will ask you the same question and you can just tell him then, if that makes sense.

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  2. And I am probably getting way ahead of myself because this may not even turn into any kind of D/s relationship – however we choose to define that. But I think I would feel bad if months down the road we did end of becoming a bit more solid and something triggered a negative reaction or something – hard to imagine as Sir is so thoughtful and observant but you never know.

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  3. Oh this hurts me to hear about..what you described was very abusive. These relationships require an intense level of trust. Your new possible Sir seems like he will treat you how you should be treated. Limits must always be respected, as well as safe words. As submissives we need to trust that the dominant will take care of us in any way we need. In my opinion you should definitely tell your new Sir about how you were treated in the past, especially since those feelings have been stirred up after his wonderful play session with you. He will want to know you inside and out, that’s the best way to dominate someone. If he doesn’t know everything he can’t take care of you to the fullest. You deserve to have the relationship you want. At least in my relationship I’ve learned that being open about everything, even when it doesn’t feel good or you’re worried about their reaction, it has to be that way.
    Your post was very well written, you are mature and organized in how you view the past. If you’re like me organizing your words when you’re face to face is harder… But from your description Sir seems patient and I think things would go great for you. Hope this helps!

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    1. Thank you for those words. They actually brought tears to my eyes. Yes it is much harder face to face to speak in an organized way. I guess I am just concerned because I don’t really know what Sir is hoping for beyond a second date lol. And part of me feels that’s totally fine, it’s way to early to try and define anything. But it is a very difficult thing for me to talk about, I would hate for him to be concerned that there are any unresolved issues because there really aren’t and I am so happy to be moving on.

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      1. Things are very fresh with your Sir and that could be the start of the conversation. Maybe after your second date you can ask what his expectations are. See if telling him about your past is worth it. If both he and you want to have some casual play that’s great and there wouldn’t be a need to discuss it, but if he sees more of a future or a defined relationship it will need to come up sometime. I think he would respect you as his sub knowing that you brought things to his attention that are important. It doesn’t mean you have unresolved issues, but the past changes us whether we notice it or not. If he is aware of the past he can better take care of you for the future. As a dominant he won’t want to trigger the wrong feelings for you and then not understand why you feel that way. It will become a disservice to both of you to keep it inside. But I think you will know when the time is right to tell him 🙂

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  4. Communication is very important in any relationship, but this is particularly so for BDSM scenes where everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual. I would ask your Dom if he would like to know more about your previous situation. You can preface for him that it was a difficult time for you and may have an impact on your situation with him. A Dom really needs to have a full understanding of his sub before she can truly be his, so you may find that he is very interested in what you have to say. 🙂

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  5. Been there, done this!!!
    I was open with my baggage from the start. Every person you come in contact makes you who you are today. So your not telling him from the headspace if fix me, I’m a mess. But much more…thank you, you make me better. I think he would like to hear that, who wouldn’t?

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    1. That is such a great way to put it and it perfectly says how I feel. I don’t feel I am a mess and I think he does have the potential to make me a better submissive. And I think that is what most Dominants would like to hear 🙂

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