I am honored to have those of you who have followed this blog follow me! And I am using that to ask…well, some advice.
I touched extremely briefly on my previous dom (not capitalizing for a reason). I didn’t want to bring him up in this blog at all, but I am wondering about something and I need some advice for those of you in the lifestyle.
A brief history. My ex and I were together for about 4 years. There were many red flags that I saw (which I recognize now as him being a compulsive liar, a narcissist and a sex addict) and recognized them for being such even, but let them go because in the end, I cared deeply for him. He was my first Dom, and I didn’t know what I would do without that in my life and I couldn’t fathom meeting anyone else I felt such a connection with. Stupid, but there it is. Things over the final 2 years were going wonderfully. He praised me regularly for being his “perfect sub” and I was basking in it. Until it wasn’t good anymore. It started slowly. A trickle of confusion for me, things he would say, causing doubt. He would have moments of being truly mean. And it would leave me breathless and desperate to just make things better.
I started being told that I wasn’t a very good sub, or that I must not truly be his, if I didn’t do certain things. I will clarify that these were things that I was not physically capable of doing due either to the extremely painful nature of them or to my own physical health issues. Or to them being one of my few hard limits. I would beg for slight modifications that would allow me to be able to do more, take more, for him, but I was informed that “doms do not compromise. Subs do.” And that if I wasn’t able to “shut the fuck up and please my dom” then I clearly didn’t understand this dynamic. I was also told that after this long there should be no place for a safeword and if, on the odd occasion I used one – he would continue for another 30 seconds before finally stopping and just walk away, often leaving me a sobbing mess on the floor somewhere. I would be told that when I was ready to apologize and continue, to let him know. In the end, I was afraid. He wasn’t always like this, only sometimes, and I never knew what was OK, what wasn’t, and I was terrified to use my safeword but then I became terrified of playing all together because I knew I would probably end up needing one because he was so rough. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy pain, I love rough sometimes too, but this went outside my limits, I was told I was not allowed to have limits after all this time and they were a sign of not trusting him. I also discovered that I was one of many women, and of multiple subs, which if discussed previously I know is often not an issue for couples but most definitely was never discussed with me.
He ended things (because I was being a “whiny bitch” in his words) and when, a week later he asked me if I wanted to give it another go, and that he still loved and missed me I said no. Despite the fact that I know this wasn’t healthy, and I feel like it may have even been abusive, it was still very very hard. I waited a while before I knew I was ready to seek someone else.
The worst thing is he really did manage to make me doubt myself, I did wonder if I was truly a sub, he made me feel selfish because as he saw it, I was placing myself before my master and that’s not my role. I considered giving up this side of myself all together.
I did get over it obviously, have now met Sir (although I don’t know where that is going yet) and I feel so….grateful. I left that night with Sir with this overwhelming feeling of “This. THIS is what it is supposed to feel like. THIS is what I have wanted.” Despite the fact that I spent the evening being flogged, obeying orders and being fucked in the ass I have never felt so appreciated or pampered. I pleased him and it felt wonderful. It made me fully realize just what a narcissistic asshole my last “dom” was and how I was lucky to get out of there without being seriously damaged in some way.
But my question now is, do I tell Sir all of this? And if so, when – now? When/if things become more established? I do not feel like I have baggage per say, like I said I am now truly glad to be rid of him and I am only so grateful to Sir for showing me the way it should be. I am so afraid of “bringing up the ex” talk. I don’t want to come across as having baggage, but at the same time I wish I could express how truly amazing I think Sir is. And I feel like, if he were to become “my Dom” he should probably have a better understanding of my D/s past. Or does it matter? Does only the present truly matter?
Sigh. I am maybe over-thinking things and I definitely need a good spanking LOL. Just this wonderful experience brought up some emotions about my ex, mostly a profound relief, but also some anger too – for ever making me self-doubt. But anger isn’t a very useful emotion and I certainly do not want any of this to impact a potential relationship with Sir.